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Every year women make the trek to their gynecologist to get their hoods popped. Yearly maintenance of the parts and pieces is required to make sure that everything is in good working order. I don’t necessarily mind the gynecologist, but I would be fine if we didn’t speak at all during the visit. It’s hard to make small talk when someone is pulling on your nipples like they’re salt water taffy. The worst is when the doctor is elbow deep in uterus and they continue the conversation. My biggest fear is that the doctor will point out my imperfections while buck naked on the examination table, shooting a V in the stirrups.

Here is a list of 15 things I NEVER want the gynecologist to say during an exam.

1: Have you ever considered waxing?
2. How many kids did you have? Wait, let me guess. Seven, did you have seven kids?
3. Someone forgot to do their Kegel exercises.
4. WOW! It’s quite roomy in here. You have more space then the trunk of a Lincoln Continental.
5. No one looks the same after pregnancy, but I do know a guy who can fix you. (Points to entire body)
6. Did your nipples always look in different directions? You know, like cock-eyed.
7. Are those stretch marks, or did a cat scratch the shit out of your ass?
8. You were probably pretty hot when you were younger. Do you have any pictures?
9. Did you breast feed? Looks like your kids were hungry little wolves, weren’t they?
10. Have you ever considered breast augmentation?
11. I’m sorry, that was the wrong hole. Give me a minute, I need to change my gloves.
12. Its like throwing a hot dog down a hallway in here. You know, there is a surgery to correct that.
13. You might feel some pressure, just kidding, this is going to hurt.
14. Stay right there, I lost my watch.
15. It looks like that tubal didn’t work. Congratulations, you’re pregnant.

I am happy that I only have to venture into that office once a year. I like keeping my cock-eyed nipples and roomy vagina a secret for the other 364 days.

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I was born here. I have spent the majority of my life here. I live in a county with roughly 164,000 people. It’s not Leiper’s Fork Tennessee with and estimated 650 people, but it is a good sampling of small town USA. Florida is funky because we are a very large state. My county is composed of three city/townships that span 680 square miles of land. We have three high schools, three hospitals, one court house, and tons of small businesses and parks. It’s not Mayberry, but it’s and an average small town.

Last month I wrote about the Ashley Madison hack. I had no idea that the site existed, and I was a bit stunned to learn about online “Married” dating. I don’t live under a rock in this small town, I know people cheat. What I didn’t realize was how many people in my small town cheat. I didn’t realize how many people had given up on monogamy and chosen to stray, while posting happy family photos on Facebook.

It’s not what you know, but who you know. A friend, of a friend, of a friend, that I know handed me a hard drive with the first Ashley Madison data dump. I spent Friday night pouring over 2,600 excel files with millions of names. My source was kind enough to provide delimited data from two of the three cities in my small county. I sat face to screen with the harsh reality of “Married” dating.

Names of small business owners, community leaders, doctors, youth sports coaches, and friends. It was a very different feeling from finding out that Josh Duggar and Sam Radar, two Christian evangelists, were on the list. I don’t personally know those cheaters.

I am not writing this article to be the town crier. I have no interest in sharing the files or divulging names. However, based on a small sampling of the data, if I went to Walmart and 160 people were in the store, two of them would be Ashley Madison clients. Soon enough everyone will be able to see the full files and do their own search. Companies are already setting up websites to do email searches, in a matter of days you will be able to do a name check. I am writing this because it is the sad reality that we now live in. My opinion on “Married” dating, whether on Ashley Madison or in a local bar, is sad, deceptive, fraudulent, underhanded, and sleazy.

What hit me like a ton of bricks was seeing people who had recently gotten engaged, newlywed couples, and  20 year married veterans, were listed side by side in endless rows of excel data. Did this hack expose the death of monogamy? Should we stick a fork in it? Perhaps everyone who gets married from now on should be required to write their own vows.

New Marriage Vows should look something like this:
I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, when I’m not holding someone else, from this day forward, or until you catch me cheating, for better, for worse, probably not for worse, for richer, for poorer, definitely not for poorer, in sickness and in health, not if your sickness is a strain on me, until death do us part, are you up to date on your life insurance?

I myself have been married for 12 years. My marriage is not perfect. We fight, we fail each other, but we try. We don’t “Married” date. I am not here to throw stones from the porch of my glass house. I am here to say that life as we know it will change from this event. This hack will go down in the electronic history books.

This hack will change the way people live their “Online” lives. There is no such thing as privacy anymore. If you though what you did in the deep dark crevices of the internet was safe, you are mistaken. This hack will cause a “cyber” fallout with global ramifications. It has officially been announced that divorce attorneys will be experiencing “Christmas in September,” as millions of petitions for divorce will likely be filed.

I am concerned that this will mark the end of the institution of marriage as we know it. And to think that right wing politicians and religious evangelists wanted to blame gay marriage for the destruction of traditional American values. Traditional American Values in small town USA did that all on its own.

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I am very excited to announce my first vlog. I am not going to tell you how long it took me to shoot and then edit this footage, but holy freaking crap. My hope is to bring you a weekly update with the trending topics and my take on the issues.  Send me your feedback and subscribe to my YouTube channel. This week we discussed the Ashley Madison Hack, Josh Duggar, Jared Fogel, Breastfeeding, University of Alabama Recruitment video, and Deez Nuts. Enjoy the show!

 

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About a moth ago the “Married” dating website Ashley Madison was hacked. The site claimed that 37 million members data was breached and the hackers demanded that the site be taken down. The hackers, know as The Impact Team, required that the site be taken down, or the information would be made public. Now, 30 days later, the information has been leaked.

Avid Life Media, which is the company behind Ashley Madison provided members with an opportunity to delete their accounts for a $15 fee directly following the breach. But guess what, The Impact Team has that information as well.

Security Blogger Brian Kerbs stated that “I’ve now spoken with three vouched sources who all have reported finding their information and last four digits of their credit card numbers in the leaked database,”

So where is the database? It was apparently leaked on the dark web. What the hell is that you ask? It means, that it is only accessible via an encrypted browser. Most of us do not have the ability to view the data right now, but my guess it will be available shortly.

15,000 of the profiles had .mil and .gov email addresses. Is anyone surprised by that? With so much “married” dating going on it amazing government offices aren’t closed more often.

So with the anticipation of the leak, here are a few defenses that the prospective members may be crafting for the big reveal.

1: I thought I was signing up for a coupon website.
2: My brother/sister signed me up as a joke. Funny, right?
3: My credit card was stolen.
4: It wasn’t me.
5: Why are you looking at the data? Don’t you trust me?
6: It said life is short, what was I supposed to do?
7: I know that’s my picture in the profile, but people steal stuff online all the time, duh!
8: I paid that damn deletion fee, this site lied to me!
9: I only created the account to see if you had an account. I would never cheat on you!
10: It’s technically not cheating because she lived in a different zip code.

Life may be a bit shorter for these members, at least married life as they know it. Perhaps if they had kept it in their pants, or had only shared it with their spouse, they wouldn’t be in this mess. I wonder if this hack will have as much entertaining information as Heidi Fleiss’ receipt ledger?

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Happy Friday,

Today I am on The Commute with Nikki Medoro. It is an awesome podcast. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter. Make sure to subscribe to her podcast on iTunes, Stitcher and anywhere else people get their podcasts. Search “The Commute”.

Click the link and listen to my conversation about how creative men are when it comes to “Getting Some.”

Playing The Odds

Thanks, Meredith

Twas the first day of school, and I rocked it like a Mother!

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Dropped all the kids off without even a stutter.

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Packed lunches and snack packs and even some fruit.

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Kissed foreheads, tied sneakers, all my kiddos looked cute.

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Took pictures to remember this very special day.

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It’s the first time ALL my kids are at school, can I get a HEYYYYY!

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Everyone’s backpack was full to the brim.
After drop off guess what??? I made it to the gym.

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My morning was tight, but no sweat off my brow.
Got some chicken in the crock pot, gonna fix it Kung Pow.

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Time to saddle up and head over to parent pick-up.
I’ll blast some T-Swift, the other Mom’s will know what’s up!

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Then off to  7 Eleven for a first day of school Slurpee treat.

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“Please don’t take your shoes off in the car, you have smelly feet!”
Time to head home and start on homework.

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I’ll be filling out school forms for the next week like a clerk.

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Sign here and sign there, blood and urine sample too?
Can we digitize this paperwork? I’ll upload for you.

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So another year begins, here’s to crazy days and chatter.
Because educating our kids, is all that really matters.

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