Hi Faithful Followers,
I am over on Scary Mommy talking about my sons autism diagnosis. Please check out the link and share it like you stole it!
Have a great day guys! Tomorrow I will be sending some Donald Trump action your way
Hi Faithful Followers,
I am over on Scary Mommy talking about my sons autism diagnosis. Please check out the link and share it like you stole it!
Have a great day guys! Tomorrow I will be sending some Donald Trump action your way
On Monday the Ashley Madison story broke. The site was hacked, and 37 million members’ information was at risk of being leaked. I took a look at the site and a few articles that were circulating on CNN, The Huffington Post, The Wall Street Journal, and I decided to write a piece about the situation. I had no idea that my tiny humor post would strike such a nerve.
My post has over 950 comments ranging from positive support, to people wishing for my ultimate demise. If you have a minute you should head over and read the comments. Make that 15 minutes. Life Is Short. Have An Affair. Ashley Madison
I decided that I need to write a follow-up piece to reply to some of the comments that I received via email and on my site. Please keep in mind that I am a humor blogger and I do not have the ability to keep sarcasm out of anything that I write.
1. You live under a rock: At the present time I do not live under a rock.
2. You are naive: Yes, I am . I am also positive that this is one of the many things people find charming about me.
3. Marriage is a fluid agreement: Ummm, in my house marriage is a contract. A firm contact that does not allow me to play with anyone’s fluids, except my husbands.
4. “Married dating” is real and everybody is doing it: I don’t think we should call it “married dating” anymore. Let’s keep it simple and call it cheating, and not everyone is doing it. Cheaters are doing it.
5. You are a judgmental person who has no idea what marriage is all about: I am an opinionated person who has been married for 12 years. I know nothing of “married dating,” and I hold no judgement over you. As for marriage, I know that it is a close second to the hardest thing I have ever done, the first being parenting.
6. Open marriage is a real thing and you should learn about it: I knew that open marriages existed. It is not something that I see much in my small town, but I am sure it is going on. If you have an open marriage I am assuming that both partners know it is open. Therefore you are in the clear to participate in “married dating.” Go ahead and hump until the cows come home.
7. Cheating does take organization and time management skills: I figured as much. Considering I locked myself out of my house yesterday and put the milk in the panty last night, I will stick with a monogamous relationship. The heartburn alone would cause me to spend more time then I like at CVS purchasing Tums to ease my gastrointestinal discomfort.
8. The meaning of monogamy has changed and you missed it: I just checked the dictionary, Wiki answers, Yahoo answers, and I “Googled” it to be sure. All sources confirmed that it does in fact mean being with ONE person during the course of the relationship. Not one person that day, and a different person the next day. I couldn’t find the definition for 24 hour monogamy, but I will let you know when I do.
9. You sound uptight. You should have a threesome: I have seen Seinfeld, so I was aware of the infamous “Menage a Trois.” Like I said, I currently do not live under a rock. Or at least my rock has cable. I think I will refrain from said activity due to the fact that I am standing firm with the monogamy thing.
10. I read your article and I think we should have an affair: This one threw me for a loop. If he had read my article I think he would have understood that I am currently married and not seeking out anyone to participate in “married dating.” I will have to go back and read my original post again to make sure that I was clear in my stance on said “married dating.”
These are my responses to just a few of the comments that were made after my post. Please feel free to send me your opinion on the breach, or any other issue that you have with me or my writing. Your opinion counts, just as much as mine.
My 4 yr old said something really funny in the car yesterday. He called my husband a “kissey face” and said that Daddy kisses everyone in town. I said, “What? Who did you see Daddy kiss?” He replied, “I was just tricking you. He only kisses you.” After the minor cardio infarction that I suffered, my husband and I had a conversation about cheating. He said, “How do people who live in a small town have an affair? I mean, everyone knows that you’re married, I just don’t get it.”
Maybe they have an account on Ashley Madison? Have you heard of this website? I hadn’t, but today I saw that Ashley Madison was hacked and it’s 37 million members are in danger of having their identity leaked. Yes, you heard correct, 37 MILLION MEMBERS. This dating website is for married people to meet up and have affairs with other married people.
Below is the Ashley Madison website information:
~Ashley Madison is the most famous name in infidelity and married dating. As seen on Hannity, Howard Stern, TIME, BusinessWeek, Sports Illustrated, Maxim, USA Today. Ashley Madison is the most recognized and reputable married dating company.Our Married Dating Services for Married individuals Work. Ashley Madison is the most successful website for finding an affair and cheating partners. Have an Affair today on Ashley Madison. Thousands of cheating wives and cheating husbands signup everyday looking for an affair. We are the most famous website for discreet encounters between married individuals. Married Dating has never been easier. With Our affair guarantee package we guarantee you will find the perfect affair partner. Sign up for Free today.
Now that you have read this, do you have any questions? I did. Here are a list of the questions, and thoughts that came to mind after reading about this company and the current security breach.
1. WTF? Is this for real?
2. No seriously, is this a real thing?
3. 37 Million people use this? Do these people have jobs?
4. If you’re married, and have a job, where the hell do you find the time for a dating website?
5. I am really confused. 37 Million people?
6. If life is short, shouldn’t you love the one you’re with? You know, the one you married?
7. Who is going to be liable for all of the murders that occur when the 37 million members information is leaked?
8. I hope John Bobbitt isn’t a member. He didn’t do so well after the last time he got caught.
9. I bet divorce attorneys love to advertise on this site.
10. If you’re married, aren’t you supposed to be monogamous? Am I thinking of something else?
11. You probably need to be really organized to cheat. I can’t remember where I put my car keys. I would get caught in like 5 minutes.
12. Married dating is a thing? If you’re married, why are you dating?
13. I am really having a difficult time with this.
14. This is the most reputable married dating company? There are more? Oh Dear Lord!
15. This website has a guarantee? How can you guarantee you will find the perfect affair partner?
16. This is a rabbit hole. I need to stop.
I am very interested to see how this security breach plays out. I am also baffled at the fact that 37 million married people are members of an online dating service. I guess monogamy is a thing of the past. Perhaps we are on the verge of a new definition of marriage. Maybe instead of saying “I do” people should say, “I’ll try, but when I get bored, I’ll try something else.” Because life is short. Have an affair.
Last night we had a couple over for dinner. They, like us have three kids. We had a great evening. At the end of the night, I walked our friends to the door and the gentlemen leaned in and hugged me. If you know me, you know that I do not hug. If you don’t know me, this post will shed some light. I did the polite thing and hugged him, only to have my husband say, “Wow, she hates to hug people. I can’t believe she hugged you. She only hugs on birthdays and Christmas.” I tried to smile and joke it off. I wanted to smack my husband, but he knows that I am not a hugger. So I figured I would share a list of things that make me uncomfortable.
1. Interpretive dance: I actual sweat thinking about it. I do not need to know how you feel through your version of dance and music. Please. I just can’t.
2. Hugging: Don’t get me wrong; I hug my kids, and sometimes my husband, but I prefer not to hug as a rule of thumb. How about a high five? Fist bump? Hearty handshake?
3. Clowns: Do I really need to elaborate on this? Super. Freaking. Creepy.
4. Mimes: Seriously, this is not my idea of art. I like my art hanging on a wall, without a distressing stare of silent judgement.
5. Emotions: I am seriously stunted in the emotional category. I understand emotions exist, but I prefer to ignore them.
6. Crying: I do not like to cry, or see others cry. I never know what to say when someone is crying. I usually try to wait it out, because I am almost positive hugging will be involved.
7. Animals dressed as people: Please dress your dog as a dog. Why do people dress animals. I know where this phobia comes from. My mother dresses her dog as well as carries her in an infant carrier. I am positive I was never carried in an infant carrier. I digress, this is a whole post on it’s own.
8. Serious Conversations: I hate the words, “We have to talk.” I get a knot in my stomach and feel queasy. I prefer the language of sarcasm. I am fluent in derision, mockery, ridicule, scorn, sneering, scoffing, cynicism, irony, and much much more.
9. Mandals: I am adamant that men should only wear one type of sandal, that is flip flops. Please under no circumstance should you wear ANY other type of sandal. They should be outlawed and burned. I just did a Google search for men’s sandals and about 52 different types populated. I am getting hives. Please! Only flip flops.
10. Fanny Packs: Why on earth is this item still being produced and sold? Get a purse if you are a woman, or get a wallet if you are a man. Buy a backpack if necessary. But please, for the love of all things holy, burn your fanny pack!
This is the short list. I have so many other issues that we couldn’t possibly unearth today. Just know that I am a hot mess of crazy. It truly not you, it’s me.
I am a woman. I am a wife. I am a mother. My brain never stops. Even when I sleep, I have constant lists and topics running wild through my cerebellum. It. Is. Exhausting. I love my husband. I love my kids. However, I would love to sleep. The mythological creature known as “Sleep” has eluded me for quite some time now. I am positive that I am the one who robs myself of sleep. Below you will find a list of 50 thoughts that run through my head from sunrise to sunset.
1. Is that a foot in my face?
2. Why does my hair smell like pee?
3. What day is it?
4. Did I pack lunches last night?
5. Where is the toilet paper? I know I bought toilet paper. Why isn’t it in this cabinet. I just went to the grocery store. Oh wait, that was last week. Not this week. Maybe I didn’t buy toilet paper.
6. I have to get everyone up and ready. But it is so quiet. I just want them to sleep until lunch.
7. OK, get them up. Push the coffee pot button first. At least the smell of coffee with soothe me.
8. Why are they fighting already? They haven’t been up for five freaking minutes. How can anyone be this angry all the time?
9. Why does everyone ask me where everything is? I can’t remember where I put my shoes, let alone your shoes.
10. It isn’t even 8:00 AM yet. Dear sweet Lord help me!
11. We can make it to school on time if we leave right now.
12. We will only be five minutes late if we leave right now.
13. Where are my keys?
14. How on earth have they not brushed their teeth yet? I don’t care if he is the smelly kid in class. Just go to the car.
15. OK, relax. I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing.
16. Oh, I like this song. Why do I like this song. There are only 5 total words in this song. I use to be smart.
17. OK 2 kids dropped off, one more to go.
18. OK, off to work. Why am I sweating already. I think I smell.
19. Don’t forget to switch the laundry when I get home. It may be moldy. I forgot to switch it last night.
20. Take something out for dinner. What did we have yesterday? How do I not remember what I made yesterday?
21. Spaghetti. We had spaghetti! I knew I would remember. OK, well I guess we can’t have spaghetti.
22. What time is it?
23. Why are these leftovers in the fridge? I told him to take this as lunch. How does he forget his lunch ever freaking day? I should call and see if he needs lunch.
24. I better vacuum. What is that spot on the floor? Why is it sticky? We didn’t have pancakes today. Is that maple syrup?
25. OK, 2 hours until pick up. What do I need to do? Shit! I forgot to switch the laundry.
26. OK, I need to wash this again.
27. Off to pick up. I will switch this when I get home.
28. Did I forget to turn the crock pot on? I didn’t smell food.
29. OK, two kids picked up, one to go.
30. Why are they fighting? They just got in the car. Why do they hate me?
31. Shit! I forgot to turn the crock pot on. OK, that will be dinner tomorrow. We can do breakfast for dinner tonight.
32. One hour until they go to bed. I can do this. 60 minutes.
33. Who threw that ball at my head? Freaking kids! Seriously, they hate me.
34. 40 minutes until bed. I can do this.
35. They just need to shower and brush teeth. Maybe tonight will be the night they do it all by themselves.
36. Why do I have to help them every night. We brush teeth every night. It is not rocket science.
37. 10 minutes. I can do this.
38. Seriously kid go to bed. If they come out and ask for water one more time.
39. OK, it is quiet. I am so happy to be sitting down right now.
40. I am so tired. I can’t see straight.
41. Did he just ask me if I want to do it? Seriously? Is he insane?
42. Is he seriously pouting right now?
43. It will only take five minutes, just suck it up and do it so he will go to bed.
44. OK, I can go to bed in 10 minutes and I will get a solid six hours of sleep.
45. OK, brain shut off. It is bedtime.
46. What was that noise? Is a kid awake?
47. I better check on the kids.
48. OK, everyone is fine.
49. I am so tired!
50. Shit! I forgot to switch the laundry.
There is no off switch. We just keep moving forward like the Energizer bunny on crack. Day in, day out. I am positive there are times you feel the same way I do. So I applaud you and your efforts to make it from sunrise to sunset.
I have been married for 12 years. When I announced my engagement 13 years ago to family and friends, I received love and excitement from almost everyone. It was a normal engagement and very exciting time for my future husband and I. We had family and friends join us. It was exactly what it should have been. We had our share of fights and disagreements about flowers and food. It was a bit more stressful because we were mixing cultures and races, but at the end of the day we were blessed. No one felt it necessary to picket my wedding. No articles were written deeming my choice blasphemy. No one uttered a peep about our future children. It was just a union between a brown boy and a white girl. It was what we wanted and no one stood in our way. It was a great day.
Today is a great day. Today is the day that my best friend can happily travel the United States and say in every state that they are legally bound. Today is a day that recognizes them as husband and husband. Today is the day that they can proudly say they are recognized by the government of the United States. I am happy for them today. I am saddened by the fact that it has taken this long, but today is a great day. I am happy to live in a place where opinions are valued and freedoms are protected. I am excited for all of the couples who have been waiting for this day. A day that I took for granted 12 years ago. A day that I always thought was my right to have. That day 12 years ago was given to me, but my best friends had to fight for today. They had to fight for a right that I took for granted. The right to be married.
I am filled with joy, love, and patriotism today. Today I am feeling pretty gay. Marriage is for anyone who will lay their life down for someone they love. Marriage is for anyone who will take care of their spouses needs over their own. Marriage is for anyone who wants to raise a family with someone who shares their core values and beliefs. Marriage is not a secret club. Marriage is not a privilege. Marriage is a right.
So today I say congratulations. It’s about time that tolerance and acceptance are the headlines in the news. Today is a great day to be gay.
Come check me out on Youtube. I am launching my channel in July. I will be vlogging weekly. Come subscribe to my channel so you don’t miss a thing!
Having three kids under the age of 9 can be exhausting. Let’s be honest, most days I look like a character out of the Walking Dead. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who is my perfect parenting partner. My kids can be very demanding and when they come calling with certain requests, I simply say “Go ask your Father.” Here is a list of 5 questions that are automatically redirected to Dad.
1. Can you build me a fort? My husband is a serious wanna-be architect. Anytime the kids ask for a fort, Dad is the man with a plan. I have walked into a living room that rivals the catacombs of Paris. He is always up for a fort building challenge.
2. Can we play Batman? Superheroes are no match for my man. Daddy will play Batman, Spiderman, Ironman, or any combination of the Marvel men that make you gasp. My boys love to have Superhero inspired dodgeball events in my living room, and Daddy is usually the culprit who started the match.
3. Can we go fishing? We live on a lake with tons of fish and creepy crawlies. I love to sit and fish with the kids, but only if Daddy is with us. Mommy doesn’t like to bait the hook with the squirmy wormy.
4. Can we watch Star Wars?My kids love action and adventure movies. However, I am no Star Wars fanatic. If the kids want to know what episode Yoda makes an appearance, they will need to ask Storm Trooper number 1. Daddy is also always up for a light saber dual, or Chewbacca tickle party.
5. Can we have dessert? By the time dinner is done and the dishes are put away, I am ready to hit the couch for some peace and quiet. Daddy deals in “dessert duty” at our house. Who wouldn’t love a popsicle, or bowl of cookie dough custard?
So for all the Fathers out who take off the training wheels, spool the fishing line, coach the little league teams, our hats go off to you. Happy fathers day from our family to yours.
There has recently been a bit of a rumbling over social media about the fact that granny panties are currently “in style.” I am very excited to hear this, but I am not new to the granny panty game. I have never been much of a thong supporter. I do not like having a chronic wedgie, nor do I want to pay more for less underwear. My husband has always been saddened by the fact that I enjoy circus tent, white cotton “day of the week” underwear. To him I say, keep rockin’ your Dad bod, and I’ll keep my fanny safely concealed.
I am titillated to see that my underwear of choice is now deemed fashionable and hip. It just affirms the fact that I make solid undergarment choices, which obviously translates into my supreme wisdom over all other topics. My reasoning for not wearing thongs, however has nothing to do with the fashion forward trends. Here are the top 5 reasons I choose to wear said granny panties over super sexy thongs.
So I dare you to put on a pair of comfy cotton cheek cuddler’s and not grin from ear to ear. More is less. The freedom I feel in my tighty whities is like nothing else. You may mock my panty lines, but you will never crush my wedgie free spirit.
It seems that there are superheroes everywhere you turn. New summer movies will be gracing the big screens any day now, and comic book television dramas are sure to be on the fall primetime lineup. I have sat through hours of Batman, Ironman, the Flash, Superman, Spiderman, and most recently Daredevil. I am at a loss to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good action flick as much as the next guy, but I just don’t get superheroes.
What is it about superheroes that make our husbands want to secretly be these men? Why do they dream about a meteor falling from the sky, causing intergalactic gel to ooze into the water system, thus giving them secret powers that they can use to fight crime???? I guess I am no fun. I don’t see the point in watching a movie or television series where people have magical powers. If you want me to watch a show with you, create a character that was hit by a bolt of lightning and woke up without her saggy tits, cellulite on her ass, and the absence of cross-continental baggage under her eyes. That show I will watch!
So men, let me tell you what will make you a Superhero to your significant other:
1. Scrub the toilet. The entire toilet, including the shit stains.
2. Wash the dishes….with soap.
3. Give the kids a bath….with soap.
4. Cook dinner, or get take-out. Either way she didn’t have to cook, so you win.
5. Take us shopping and smile the entire time. Don’t ask if the item is on sale.
6. Wake up at night with the kids….especially if someone pissed the bed. Don’t pretend you can’t hear them. The dead can hear them.
7. Hold your farts. If it is a dire emergency, pass gas next to the children, not your wife.
8. Don’t fart while in bed, and don’t even think about pulling the covers up over her head.
9. When we agree that a holiday or special occasion does not require gifts, get her one anyway. She wants a gift. She always wants a gift.
10. Snuggle up next to your wife while in bed and cuddle with no expectation of sex. Like legitimately no expectation of sex.
11. Don’t’ push your junk on her back and tell her you have a gift for her. It’s not really a gift. She has seen it before.
12. Vacuum, mop, wash the windows, repeat.
13. Ask her if she wants a mustache ride without expecting anything in return.
14. Get a babysitter without telling her and take her to dinner.
15. Wash the laundry, and put it away. Let me clarify, put it in the correct drawer. Don’t put your son’s underwear in your wife’s drawer.
16. Load the dishwasher, and then empty the dishwasher without being asked. I bet she drops to her knees later that evening.
17. Text her a sweet message during the day. Something like, “Babe, I can’t wait to get home and do a load of whites.”
18. Take the kids……ANYWHERE. For an extended period of time.
19. Bring her chocolate…….ANYTHING.
20. Bring her wine……..ANY KIND.
So as you can see, it is pretty simple to become a superhero. Your spouse will most definitely think that you can leap tall buildings in a single bound if you follow these 20 tips. They will call you the man of steel, or whatever ridiculous name you want them to scream while in the bedroom. These 20 tips are proven panty dropper’s, so get started today.
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