Dear Pediatric Dentist

Dear Pediatric Dentist,

I left your office today feeling violated and confused. After I received my bill for the 20 minute visit, the front desk associate had to administer smelling salts so I could get up off the ground. I am positive I pay for dental insurance for the three cash cows that you treat in your office. I spend over a thousand dollars a year for coverage, yet I was handed a bill for over $200 for a cleaning on one child and a filling on another. You do understand that the children have baby teeth and that they will eventually fall out? I’m positive that you learned that in dental school. I myself have seen baby teeth fall out. I also play the role of the fucking tooth fairy, so I get hit up for cash on that end as well.

I am always a fan of efficiency and a quick visit. However, today you cleaned my oldest child’s teeth and completed a filling on the other child in less than 20 minutes. How is that even possible? I have sat in the Starbuck drive thru for longer than 20 minutes. Is your time really worth $11 a minute?

I just want to be clear on what it is that I expect from you when I take my children in for a visit. Please look at their teeth and let me know if we have any extensive problems. They do brush their teeth twice a day. I’m not exactly sure how much toothpaste ends up in their mouths, but I know they brush their teeth because I clean the bathroom sink.  If their teeth are going to rot out give me the option of pulling the tooth.  I promise that another tooth will grow back in its place. That is what permanent teeth do. They grow back in the same fucking spot where you charged me over $100 to fill that baby tooth.  I am not saying that I want my children to walk around toothless, but I will not pay for services that we do not need.

Moving on, please don’t try to sell me additional X-rays, or treatments that are unnecessary.  I am almost positive that with the degree that you earned that you can take a peek in there and know if a major problem is occurring. You already took one set of x-rays this year, don’t try to sell me anymore, I will not pay for them. I have a set of 3D glasses that we got at the movie theater a while back. I will put those on and X-ray their teeth myself if necessary.

I am happy that you have a degree and make tons of money. After coming to your office for two years I feel like I own part of you jaguar, will you let me borrow it sometime? I must say however that you have chosen the wrong field. Proctology seems to suit you. You will still be checking an orifice, just one that is a little further south of the border. I hear they make a shit ton of money. I am positive that you gave me an anal probing with my bill, did I pay for that as well?  Perhaps you should warn your customers of the impending colonoscopy. I was not fully prepared, I would have skipped lunch.

Sincerely,

One pissed off Parent