Being a parent is super easy if you aren’t one. Wait, what? Well, before I had kids, I was great at giving advice about parenting. If I could go back in time, I would bitch-slap Pre-parenting me and set the record straight. This is the hardest job on the face of the earth. I said a lot of things prior to being a Mom. Here are 10 of the things I said I would never ever do.

1. Give my kids Junk Food: I was going to make my own baby food. I was going to be 100% natural. I tried. I really did, but that policy was just too strict for my house. I have found myself in the check out line at the grocery store with three screaming kids, right next to the Snickers bars and Kit-Kats on a weekly basis, and 50% of the time, I give in. Not proud, just honest.

2. Give in to a crying baby: I am a firm believer in “Crying it out”, it is just much easier said then done. I would put my first child down in his crib and sit at the door and cry as he cried. I would wait until my husband left the hallway to run in and check on him. It did get easier to let the others cry it out, but that was mostly because I was just too damn busy doing other crap to go in and check on them.

3. Be the last one at pickup: I remember always be the last kid to get picked up from school or sports practice. It was so embarrassing. I always thought that my parents “forgot” me. I never really thought about the fact that they were super busy and they got me as soon as they could. I have actually been on my way home and gotten a call that both my husband and I “forgot” to pick up our son. Talk about turning a shade red, I was so embarrassed. We had miss-communicated and he was the last one to be picked up from daycare. Guess what, he survived, and so did I.

4. Let my kids sleep in my bed: I said over and over again that kids in the bed was a bad idea. I was not going to share my space with the kids. I would get up and walk them back into their beds. NOT A REALITY. At 2AM I was not about to drag my tired ass out of bed to put them back in their own bed. I have managed to survive 9 years of children in my bed, so I guess it worked out in the end.

5. Let my kids eat school lunch: I always hated school lunch. I ate it almost everyday as a kid. When I was older I packed my own lunch. I was going to be the Mom who packed everyone’s lunch every day and made sure to pack a napkin with a love note on it. I am lucky if they are sent with lunch three days a week, and the love note may or may not be my wadded up snotty tissue from my bathrobe pocket.

6. Bribe my kids to listen to me: I felt that bribes were the lowest form of parenting. Well, I must currently dwell in Hell, because I bribe on a daily basis. “Did you clean your room? No Dessert if you don’t clean your room, and it’s ice cream tonight.” I am too tired to read the proper parenting book to get the job done, so I will bribe my ass off to gain ground each day.

7. Yell and Scream like a lunatic: I grew up in a household of screamer’s. Everyone yelled at everyone for everything. I am not a fan of yelling. I do however lose my “Mommy shit” at least once a day. It is bound to happen with three kids, and I try to keep it at a level that will not cause the cops to darken my doorway.

8. Sweat the small stuff: I was going to be a proactive parent who cared about the big picture. I wanted to always focus on what really mattered. It’s amazing how fast the walls close in when you are in the trenches of parenting. I know this sounds dramatic, but the daily grind can wear you down, and the small stuff becomes a mountain before you know it. For example, keeping the house clean. It seems like a small task, but it is daunting. I finished cleaning my house one day only to find myself  face to face with a turd on the couch. After spending two hours cleaning, it was a bit devastating to find a fresh turd on the couch. Shit really does happen.

9. Give in to their demands: I have been known to have a bit of a rough exterior. I believe that you work for your things and it is not beneficial to have them given to you. I want to make sure my kids know the value of hard work. At the same time I can’t seem to walk out of a store without buying something for each kids, almost every time We go out, and it is so hard to say “No” to three repeating parrots who continue to squawk until you whisper scream “Fine, put it in the cart and be quiet.”

10. Drive a Mini-Van: I was going to be the cool Mom who held tightly to class and sophistication. Bawahahaahhaha. That lasted about 10 minutes. To be honest, I love my mini-van. It is super awesome and it doubles as a super sweet party van on the weekends. Me and six of my closest friends can bar hop all night in that sexy ride.

So in the end, I do a ton of stuff I admittedly said I would never do. I do it to survive. I do it to remain sane. I do it because life happens. Don’t beat yourself up for the choice you make to keep your family moving. Remain calm and parent on my friends.

Sunshine

www.thatsinappropriate.net

It hit me like a ton of bricks the other day. I received a “backhanded” compliment that I had heard many times before, but that day it really pissed me off. Normally I am able to “Shake it off” like Taylor has told me to do time and time again, but I just couldn’t. I wanted to reach across the table and throat punch the person who had just given me what he thought was a sweet compliment. Below I have listed the top 5 backhanded remarks I have received as a Mom.

You look so nice when you get dressed: This one always gets me. I want to say, “Oh thank you. I know I looked like complete crap the other day when I dropped off the kids. It was a bit of a rough morning, attempting to get three blessings dressed and ready for school, while cleaning up dog pee, emptying the dishwasher, and getting dinner in the crock pot. I just can’t believe that I forgot to put on my make-up and pantyhose before I left the house. Oh, Heavens me!”

Don’t worry, the Baby weight will eventually come off, you’ll see: I remember being in the middle of a conversation with someone at work when they said this. It was like a knife through the heart. I had actually lost all the baby weight, but gravity, that spiteful Bitch had shifted things on me. My pants didn’t fit the same, I was totally uncomfortable, and these words of “encouragement” sent me straight to the freezer section for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s!

I get it. Why clean your house when you have kids: I do my best to keep up with the mess. I really, really, really, do. I use to be so freaking tidy. But living with a bunch of organizationally challenged toddlers has caused my house to be in a constant sate of disrepair. I had someone stop by last week to do some work on my house. When he said this to me, I wanted to nicely let him know that I did in fact clean up before they came over, but I had recently taken some “I don’t give a shit” pills and this was as far as I had gotten.

Relax, I’m sure it’s just a stage: Please don’t say this to a Mom who is in the middle of a massive grocery store melt down with their 3 yr. old. It is not helpful. I have three kids, that have been going through “stages” for about 9 years now. Smile at me with that look like “I get it, I have kids too and sometimes I want to shove them in a closet.” We all go through it. I have been guilty of saying it myself, but I now declare it to be UN-helpful and derogatory.

You look good for having kids: Here we have it, the piece de resistance. THIS IS NOT A COMPLIMENT!!!! If I look good, just tell me that. Why is my looking good relational to how many humans I’ve pushed through my lady parts. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Stop thinking that you gave me such a great compliment, you didn’t. What I hear when you pay me this compliment is “Wow, if you hadn’t had those awful children, you would be smoking hot!”

So let’s all be kind to one another and keep our comments to ourselves if we have nothing nice to say. If you feel as though you need to strain to be polite or find the right words….STOP. Say nothing and smile. A smile works wonders.

Sunshine

That’s Inappropriate