May 2015 - That's Inappropriate

28May 2015

5 Reasons I’ve Rocked “Granny Panties” Forever

There has recently been a bit of a rumbling over social media about the fact that granny panties are currently “in style.” I am very excited to hear this, but I am not new to the granny panty game. I have never been much of a thong supporter. I do not like having a chronic wedgie, nor do I want to pay more for less underwear. My husband has always been saddened by the fact that I enjoy circus tent, white cotton “day of the week” underwear. To him I say, keep rockin’ your Dad bod, and I’ll keep my fanny safely concealed.

I am titillated to see that my underwear of choice is now deemed fashionable and hip. It just affirms the fact that I make solid undergarment choices, which obviously translates into my supreme wisdom over all other topics. My reasoning for not wearing thongs, however has nothing to do with the fashion forward trends. Here are the top 5 reasons I choose to wear said granny panties over super sexy thongs.

Let it breath: My nether-regions need to stay properly ventilated. I do not want a cotton, or better yet, nylon fabric wadded up my Va-jay, stopping the air flow.
Comfort is priceless: Yeah, that’s right. I like to be comfortable while working my ass off all day. The last thing I need is to be distracted by an atomic wedgie while my four-year-old is trying to light the house on fire with a starter log on my patio.
Shape Shifters: After three kids, my hips have expanded and shifted more times than the tectonic plates on the ocean floor of the western hemisphere. A thong could snap under such pressure. That is actually where the phrase, “You’ll shoot your eye out with that thing” came from.
No room at the Inn: I already have three kids, one dog, and a husband stuck so far up my ass, that I literally cannot stick even the tiniest of things up there. No room for even the slimmest piece of butt floss.
Safety First: Wearing granny panties makes me feel like my pelvis is buckled in. They are like the seat belt of underwear. No one drives the car without buckling up. Click it or ticket.

So I dare you to put on a pair of comfy cotton cheek cuddler’s and not grin from ear to ear. More is less. The freedom I feel in my tighty whities is like nothing else. You may mock my panty lines, but you will never crush my wedgie free spirit.

27May 2015

20 Tips To Becoming A Superhero To Your Spouse

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 18 Comments

It seems that there are superheroes everywhere you turn. New summer movies will be gracing the big screens any day now, and comic book television dramas are sure to be on the fall primetime lineup. I have sat through hours of Batman, Ironman, the Flash, Superman, Spiderman, and most recently Daredevil. I am at a loss to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good action flick as much as the next guy, but I just don’t get superheroes.

What is it about superheroes that make our husbands want to secretly be these men? Why do they dream about a meteor falling from the sky, causing intergalactic gel to ooze into the water system, thus giving them secret powers that they can use to fight crime???? I guess I am no fun. I don’t see the point in watching a movie or television series where people have magical powers. If you want me to watch a show with you, create a character that was hit by a bolt of lightning and woke up without her saggy tits, cellulite on her ass, and the absence of cross-continental baggage under her eyes. That show I will watch!

So men, let me tell you what will make you a Superhero to your significant other:

1. Scrub the toilet. The entire toilet, including the shit stains.

2. Wash the dishes….with soap.

3. Give the kids a bath….with soap.

4. Cook dinner, or get take-out. Either way she didn’t have to cook, so you win.

5. Take us shopping and smile the entire time. Don’t ask if the item is on sale.

6. Wake up at night with the kids….especially if someone pissed the bed. Don’t pretend you can’t hear them. The dead can hear them.

7. Hold your farts. If it is a dire emergency, pass gas next to the children, not your wife.

8. Don’t fart while in bed, and don’t even think about pulling the covers up over her head.

9. When we agree that a holiday or special occasion does not require gifts, get her one anyway. She wants a gift. She always wants a gift.

10. Snuggle up next to your wife while in bed and cuddle with no expectation of sex. Like legitimately no expectation of sex.

11. Don’t’ push your junk on her back and tell her you have a gift for her. It’s not really a gift. She has seen it before.

12. Vacuum, mop, wash the windows, repeat.

13. Ask her if she wants a mustache ride without expecting anything in return.

14. Get a babysitter without telling her and take her to dinner.

15. Wash the laundry, and put it away. Let me clarify, put it in the correct drawer. Don’t put your son’s underwear in your wife’s drawer.

16. Load the dishwasher, and then empty the dishwasher without being asked. I bet she drops to her knees later that evening.

17. Text her a sweet message during the day. Something like, “Babe, I can’t wait to get home and do a load of whites.”

18. Take the kids……ANYWHERE. For an extended period of time.

19. Bring her chocolate…….ANYTHING.

20. Bring her wine……..ANY KIND.

So as you can see, it is pretty simple to become a superhero. Your spouse will most definitely think that you can leap tall buildings in a single bound if you follow these 20 tips. They will call you the man of steel, or whatever ridiculous name you want them to scream while in the bedroom. These 20 tips are proven panty dropper’s, so get started today.

*This message is endorsed and sponsored by every woman on the planet

20May 2015

What Are The Odds Tonight?

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

I am so excited to be a Wannabe BLUNTMOM. My newest post is up on their page. Please click the link to read the post. Comment and share like you’re getting paid for it

http://www.bluntmoms.com/odds-tonight/

Much love, Meredith

18May 2015

5 Signs You Are a Flawed Friend

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 2 Comments

This past weekend I was sitting with friends, relaxing and enjoying a mid-day buzz. We were chatting about “Pet Peeves” our friends do that drive us crazy, and in the middle of the conversation I had an Oprah ” Ah-ha” moment. I am that flawed friend. I hadn’t always been that way, but I am at the point in my life where I can only retain so much information, and complete so many tasks on a daily basis. My flawed friendship status was never intentional, but the fact remains….. I am a flawed friend.

I had no idea how much I sucked until I took a look around my house and realized that I still have a ton of stuff that I “borrowed” and never returned. I am always asking for favors, and most of the time I am late to anything I am invited to. I sat searching my brain for redeeming qualities and found I was as empty as my Sangria glass. However, I do have a swimming pool and a liquor cabinet, So I have that going for me. At least my shallow friends will still visit, it is summer time.

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I was envisioning being inducted into the Friendship Hall of Shame in my mind. I could see friends from the past, present, and future all giving speeches as to why I was the absolute worst friend ever.

Now that I have accepted my flawed friend status, I have decided to help others by writing about it. You too may also be a terrible friend, and not realize it. So here are the top 5 reasons that I am a sucky friend. Check the list and see if you too will be inducted into the Friendship Hall of Shame.

1. Always Late: I am constantly late. I always blame my children for my tardiness, but most of the time it is my fault. I am a habitual offender of losing track of time. I will start a task and get distracted, start another task, and then realize I was supposed to be at Starbucks to meet someone 15 minutes ago. Sometimes I will set a reminder, only to forget what the reminder was for. Then I sit and ask my dog what I am late for. It’s an exhausting process.

2. Finders Keepers: I borrow things from friends all the time. I currently have a coffee grinder and Laptop that has been in my possession for about six months. I called my bestie to ask him if he needed the coffee grinder back and he laughed, “Oh Sweetie, I bought another one a few months ago.” I was so embarrassed. I had basically confiscated several household items from my friends and never took the time to shop for my own item, or return their item. What a Schmuck!

3. Forgetful: I try to write down, or schedule every aspect of my life. I can’t seem to remember important dates such as birthdays and anniversaries. I always miss my families and friend special days. I am not sure if it’s because I am not a big fans of holidays, or it’s simply because I have the emotional IQ of a rock. Either way, I never send cards, and I always end up looking like a complete Asshat. Once again, never intentional, but shameful just the same.

4. Non-Consoler: I am the WORST at consoling my friends. Any time they have an issue that brings them to tears, I turn straight to an awkward untimely joke. I become very uncomfortable with emotions and crying. I begin to sweat and make jokes about bodily functions or male genitalia. I am not even sure that I know how to properly hug someone. I never know if I am supposed to go in first, or wait and see. It is a nightmare.

5. Notorious Bad Movie Selector: I love to watch movies with friends. It seems that my movie choices aren’t as renowned as Siskel and Ebert review choices. I recently forced my friends into viewing the first two Sharknado movies. The summer of 2015 will be no different. I have full intentions of a viewing party for the third movie Sharknado 3; Oh Hell No, coming in July. I am really a bad friend if I am trying to share cinematic genius with them? The movies were brilliant!

So to all my friends, I apologize. Please know that I have deep feelings of like for you, and I would do anything for you. I would even give you the shirt off of my back, but most likely it was yours to begin with. Please accept me as I am, and I will do my best to uncomfortably sit with you in your time of need.

12May 2015

Pantyliners, Aisle 7

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 4 Comments

I normally do all of the shopping for our household. This past weekend was Mother’s Day so I asked my husband if he would go to the store to pick up a few things. Around noon, I sent him to the store for a total of 5 items. One of the items on the list was pantyliners. After giving birth to three children, I need the type of protection that said pantyliner provides. It is not a fun topic to discuss, but it is my lot in life to pee when I sneeze, laugh, jump, trip, fall, high-five, the list goes on and on.

I was very specific with the type of pantyliner and brand that I wanted him to buy. I am a creature of habit, so I like to purchase the same product when I get great results. Pantyliners are a product that need to work…EVERY. TIME. My husband sent me a text, stating that he could not find the brand that I wanted. I told him where they were located in the store, and asked him to ask someone if he couldn’t find them. I knew that when I told him to ask someone, that he wouldn’t. My guess is that he figured if he asked an associate they would naturally assume that the pantyliners were for him. I mean what other logical thought would the associate have. A man in the feminine hygiene aisle, he must be shopping for his own personal use.

10 minutes later, he texted back stating that they really don’t have them and he sent me a picture of the brands that they did have. I looked over the selection and asked him to pick up the box of Always brand pantyliners and check to see if they were un-scented. He spent another five minutes reading the box. My guess is that he ran from the feminine care aisle and attempted to hide in the corner of the store. We have been married for over 12 years. He has watched me give birth three times, and yet he is embarrassed to buy a feminine care product. He finally texted me back stating that he didn’t think they were scented. Below is our short and sweet text conversation:

I couldn’t help but have a little fun with my husband. I mean seriously, it is not that big a deal. I wasn’t asking him to go up to a woman in the aisle and ask her for a detailed personal review on the pantyliner. I just wanted him to get the right one. He apparently didn’t think my joke was funny. I still laugh when I see the picture that I took of our text conversation. Life is too short to be embarrassed over pantyliners and personal hygiene products. I can safely say that I wouldn’t have a problem going to the store to buy him jock itch cream. He did come home with a pack of pantyliners, so it was a successful venture. I am safe to sneeze, thanks to my husband.

08May 2015

Become a “Survivalist” Parent in 5 Easy Steps

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

We all have places to go. Each day we get up, get moving, and sometimes, get where we need to be….on time. Miracles do happen people. I have three children, 9, 6, and 4 years old. I have decided that my main job at this moment in time is to be a survivalist. If you want to be able to leave the house in under five minutes flat, don’t have kids. If you already have kids, follow my list of tips and tricks to get you where you need to be with the least amount of stress possible.

1. Snack Pack: I have a canvas tote bag hanging on a hook inside of my pantry. As I am getting the kids packed up and ready to hit the road, I pack the bag full of granola bars, snacks, fruit, and juice boxes. The odds of at least one kids crying, “I’m hungry” from the back seat is the safest bet in the books. Most days, we haven’t even pulled out of the drive- way before someone claims that they are starving to death.

2. You Leave it, You Lose it: The rule at my house is simple. If you want to take a toy as we run out the door, you are welcome to do so. My advice is simple, take a toy that you are not in love with. If you leave it somewhere, you lose it. We will not go back to get it from the park, the grocery store, school, or any other place it was left. My kids learned pretty quick that taking a toy is a risky bet. We have lost many good men along the way, including Buzz Lightyear, Barbie, Transformers, the list goes on and on.

3. Don’t Clean Your Car: Yes, I said do not clean your car. I have a minivan and I love it. It is a disaster, but I always have the things that I need. My floor is littered with broken crayons, Cheerios, coloring books, and various McDonalds action figures. If I were to clean my van, I would miss out on having all of these things at my fingertips. For instance, “Mom, I’m bored.” My reply, “There are crayons and a coloring book on the floor next to you, make me a Picasso.” It’s built-in entertainment people. I’m not messy, I’m prepared.

4. Essential Items On Demand: Most days we rush out the door without jackets, shoes, underwear, it happens. In my van, I have a crate packed with jackets, shoes, extra clothing, and headbands, for the “Just in case” moments in life. My youngest son will make his way to the van in the morning without shoes, at least once a week. I may get all the way to his Daycare without realizing it. But guess what, I have essential items on demand. He might go into school with some sweet socks and sandals, but I did my job. Life goes on.

5. Bag-O-Tricks: I no longer have any children in diapers. It was a wonderful day to be freed of the diaper bag. However, I quickly learned that the diaper bag was a source of power. It was kind of like Mary Poppins bag of everything. I quickly assembled band-aids, hair ties, baby wipes, hand sanitizer, chapstick, and other needed items to be placed in a bag that is kept in the van at all times. I might not have anyone in diapers, but I will forever and always need baby wipes.

Being prepared for anything and everything, is the only way to become a true survivalist parent. Parenting is the hardest job on the planet, make it a bit simpler by having enough bug spray and sunscreen to protect a village. Make your daily trips bulletproof by following these tips. I guarantee you will feel immediate relief if you need an extra pair of underwear and you find those bad boys in your trunk.

06May 2015