Happy Friday!
I am over at SPOTMEGIRl.com talking about working out after having kids. This is my first time on their site. Click on over and read and share.
10 Ways Working Out Has Changed Since Having Kids
Have a great weekend. Next week I’m going to write about a very important topic….Selfies!
Meredith
Hi Faithful Followers,
I am over on Scary Mommy talking about my sons autism diagnosis. Please check out the link and share it like you stole it!
To My Son-You Are Not Your Autism
Have a great day guys! Tomorrow I will be sending some Donald Trump action your way 
Meredith
The Summer of 2015 was a long journey for me. I am a work from home mother of three who has spent that past few weeks dreaming of the new school year. Now that the 2015 school year is almost here, I can barely contain myself. Here are 10 survival tips for new-to-school Mommies.
1. School supplies: The list of school supplies may seem daunting. If you are wondering why kindergartener’s need so many Ziplock bags, I assure you, they will use them. If possible by back up school supplies. If you find anything BOGO, that is a no-brainer…..BUY IT! They will run out at some point in the year and you can send in fresh supplies. Best part, you paid the sales prices.
2. Classroom Allergies: With so many kids having so many different allergies, make sure to know if your child’s class has any of the major food allergies, such as the dreaded peanut allergy. I was “That Mom” last year, who brought in cookies for the class, and right on the package was the warning label: “This product was produced in the same machines as products containing peanuts.” My daughter gave me the evil-eye as I walked the cookies straight out the classroom and back to the minivan.
3. Parent Pick-up: If you will be driving your child to school, remember that parent drop off and pick up is a form of purgatory. The lines never seem to get any shorter and you will begin to notice that the radio stations play the same songs at the same time every single day. Try to find a car-pool group, or let your child take the bus. If you think back 30 years ago, most of us rode the bus. We all survived the experience, and are most likely better for it.
4. Homework: Things are a bit different in the homework department these days. My daughter came home from kindergarten last year with a weekly homework packet. Each night we had to do specific pages and a certain amount of reading. Sign the log, the agenda, the workbooks, etc. The homework never ends and I finally realized that I needed to set a specific time each day to get it done. There will be a day when you wake up to get the kids ready and you forgot to check their homework. Life goes on, write a note, and DO NOT SWEAT IT. They will have more homework the next day.
5. Dress Code: My kids go to a school with a uniform. I LOVE IT. I am a fan of anything that makes my life easier. If your kids get to pick their outfits, I suggest you let them wear whatever they want, as long as it follows the dress code. There are no prizes for best dressed in elementary school, and it will help keep your sanity. The mornings are chaotic, let them dress themselves. I promise that no matter what they wear, they will make it through the day. Polka dots and stripes are a perfect combination at 5 years old.
6. Brown bag or lunch line: I pack my kids lunches three days a week. They are allowed to buy lunch twice a week. School lunch has gotten a bit pricey, but they like pizza and chicken nugget day. It also gives me two days where I don’t have to make lunches. Whatever choice you make, it will be the right one. If you forget to pack and lunch, DON’T SWEAT IT, the school will feed your child. They will also send you a bill
7. School Forms: Be prepared to fill out all school forms in triplicate. You will also need a DNA, urine, and blood sample. Make sure to have a light bill, your social security card, and be prepared to do a retina scan. Just kidding, but it seems that way when you are in the middle of filling out so many forms.
8. Pictures: Make sure to take a picture on the first day of school each year. I am not the most sentimental person in the world, but it is great to look back and see how much they have grown from year to year. If you are really on top of things, print the pictures out and put them in frames. Most of my frames have the stock photos they came with still in them.
9. Backpacks and Sneakers: These two items will be very important through the year. Kid grow so fast, and like my Dad says, “Things just aren’t made like the same way they use to be.” Buy a good sturdy canvas backpack. Kids love the character backpacks, but the zippers always break, and they are overpriced. Elsa caused me some major grief last year. I also recommend buying two pairs of sneakers at the same time. I found a pair of Sketchers that my son loves, so we bought them in the next size up as well. Your child will run the rubber right off the bottoms of those sneakers by December. Guaranteed!
10. Routine: Try your best to set up a routine for your morning. I have found that my children only want to sleep in on school days. They can be very hard to wake up. I go into each bedroom, turn on the lights, and sing at the top of my lungs until I hear them getting out of bed. A bad morning can ruin your day. To avoid that, i Try to keep backpacks, sneakers, and school essentials in the same place. I have hooks for each of my kids backpacks, and a shoe rack at the front door. There WILL be a day when someone can’t find their shoes. When that happens, I load the other kids in the car while the lost shoe is located. If said shoe cannot be found, we put on another shoe. I have dropped my youngest son off to school with two different shoes. He survived and so did I.
The new school year is an exciting time. Your children need the educational and social benefits that come with the glorious invention known as school. Weather you send your children to public or private school, know that you will both survive. You will forget to bring in class snacks, attend parent conferences, complete homework, send lunch money, drop off doctor notes, and many other things, but you will endure. So relax, take a deep breath, and do a happy dance when you drop off your child on the first day. Break out the cabbage patch, running man, the sprinkler, and go to town, like you just scored the winning touch down in the Superbowl! You survived the summer, now time to tackle the school year.
On Monday the Ashley Madison story broke. The site was hacked, and 37 million members’ information was at risk of being leaked. I took a look at the site and a few articles that were circulating on CNN, The Huffington Post, The Wall Street Journal, and I decided to write a piece about the situation. I had no idea that my tiny humor post would strike such a nerve.
My post has over 950 comments ranging from positive support, to people wishing for my ultimate demise. If you have a minute you should head over and read the comments. Make that 15 minutes. Life Is Short. Have An Affair. Ashley Madison
I decided that I need to write a follow-up piece to reply to some of the comments that I received via email and on my site. Please keep in mind that I am a humor blogger and I do not have the ability to keep sarcasm out of anything that I write.
1. You live under a rock: At the present time I do not live under a rock.
2. You are naive: Yes, I am . I am also positive that this is one of the many things people find charming about me.
3. Marriage is a fluid agreement: Ummm, in my house marriage is a contract. A firm contact that does not allow me to play with anyone’s fluids, except my husbands.
4. “Married dating” is real and everybody is doing it: I don’t think we should call it “married dating” anymore. Let’s keep it simple and call it cheating, and not everyone is doing it. Cheaters are doing it.
5. You are a judgmental person who has no idea what marriage is all about: I am an opinionated person who has been married for 12 years. I know nothing of “married dating,” and I hold no judgement over you. As for marriage, I know that it is a close second to the hardest thing I have ever done, the first being parenting.
6. Open marriage is a real thing and you should learn about it: I knew that open marriages existed. It is not something that I see much in my small town, but I am sure it is going on. If you have an open marriage I am assuming that both partners know it is open. Therefore you are in the clear to participate in “married dating.” Go ahead and hump until the cows come home.
7. Cheating does take organization and time management skills: I figured as much. Considering I locked myself out of my house yesterday and put the milk in the panty last night, I will stick with a monogamous relationship. The heartburn alone would cause me to spend more time then I like at CVS purchasing Tums to ease my gastrointestinal discomfort.
8. The meaning of monogamy has changed and you missed it: I just checked the dictionary, Wiki answers, Yahoo answers, and I “Googled” it to be sure. All sources confirmed that it does in fact mean being with ONE person during the course of the relationship. Not one person that day, and a different person the next day. I couldn’t find the definition for 24 hour monogamy, but I will let you know when I do.
9. You sound uptight. You should have a threesome: I have seen Seinfeld, so I was aware of the infamous “Menage a Trois.” Like I said, I currently do not live under a rock. Or at least my rock has cable. I think I will refrain from said activity due to the fact that I am standing firm with the monogamy thing.
10. I read your article and I think we should have an affair: This one threw me for a loop. If he had read my article I think he would have understood that I am currently married and not seeking out anyone to participate in “married dating.” I will have to go back and read my original post again to make sure that I was clear in my stance on said “married dating.”
These are my responses to just a few of the comments that were made after my post. Please feel free to send me your opinion on the breach, or any other issue that you have with me or my writing. Your opinion counts, just as much as mine.
My 4 yr old said something really funny in the car yesterday. He called my husband a “kissey face” and said that Daddy kisses everyone in town. I said, “What? Who did you see Daddy kiss?” He replied, “I was just tricking you. He only kisses you.” After the minor cardio infarction that I suffered, my husband and I had a conversation about cheating. He said, “How do people who live in a small town have an affair? I mean, everyone knows that you’re married, I just don’t get it.”
Maybe they have an account on Ashley Madison? Have you heard of this website? I hadn’t, but today I saw that Ashley Madison was hacked and it’s 37 million members are in danger of having their identity leaked. Yes, you heard correct, 37 MILLION MEMBERS. This dating website is for married people to meet up and have affairs with other married people.
Below is the Ashley Madison website information:
~Ashley Madison is the most famous name in infidelity and married dating. As seen on Hannity, Howard Stern, TIME, BusinessWeek, Sports Illustrated, Maxim, USA Today. Ashley Madison is the most recognized and reputable married dating company.Our Married Dating Services for Married individuals Work. Ashley Madison is the most successful website for finding an affair and cheating partners. Have an Affair today on Ashley Madison. Thousands of cheating wives and cheating husbands signup everyday looking for an affair. We are the most famous website for discreet encounters between married individuals. Married Dating has never been easier. With Our affair guarantee package we guarantee you will find the perfect affair partner. Sign up for Free today.
Now that you have read this, do you have any questions? I did. Here are a list of the questions, and thoughts that came to mind after reading about this company and the current security breach.
1. WTF? Is this for real?
2. No seriously, is this a real thing?
3. 37 Million people use this? Do these people have jobs?
4. If you’re married, and have a job, where the hell do you find the time for a dating website?
5. I am really confused. 37 Million people?
6. If life is short, shouldn’t you love the one you’re with? You know, the one you married?
7. Who is going to be liable for all of the murders that occur when the 37 million members information is leaked?
8. I hope John Bobbitt isn’t a member. He didn’t do so well after the last time he got caught.
9. I bet divorce attorneys love to advertise on this site.
10. If you’re married, aren’t you supposed to be monogamous? Am I thinking of something else?
11. You probably need to be really organized to cheat. I can’t remember where I put my car keys. I would get caught in like 5 minutes.
12. Married dating is a thing? If you’re married, why are you dating?
13. I am really having a difficult time with this.
14. This is the most reputable married dating company? There are more? Oh Dear Lord!
15. This website has a guarantee? How can you guarantee you will find the perfect affair partner?
16. This is a rabbit hole. I need to stop.
I am very interested to see how this security breach plays out. I am also baffled at the fact that 37 million married people are members of an online dating service. I guess monogamy is a thing of the past. Perhaps we are on the verge of a new definition of marriage. Maybe instead of saying “I do” people should say, “I’ll try, but when I get bored, I’ll try something else.” Because life is short. Have an affair.
I love you. You get to be the baby forever. We knew the day that you were born that something was different about you. The doctor was late and I was told to wait. We waited a bit too long. We didn’t know it for the first year, but your tiny brain went a while without oxygen. It caused some brain damage and we still aren’t sure exactly what that means. The cerebral palsy caused your left leg and arm to move a little different from the right side, but they get the job done. I can see how smart you are, there is no hiding that. It might take you longer to solve the problem, but I know you can do it. You amaze me every single day.
You are one of the funniest people I know, and I’m pretty funny if I do say so myself. You make me laugh each and everyday. I also cry almost everyday. I cry because it isn’t fair. I cry because I lose my temper. I cry because I am exhausted. I cry because I just want you to be “normal.” I cry because you don’t sleep, and I need you to sleep. I cry because you still aren’t potty trained and you are the only kid in your class that wears a diaper at nap time. I cry because my heart hurts for you.
This past week I took you to the doctor and they confirmed that you also have autism. Just like I knew that something wasn’t right before, I knew that this was also a possibility. It didn’t make it any easier to hear. I cried when I took you home from the doctor’s office. You asked me what was wrong. I didn’t reply.
I know that you are exactly who you were meant to be. I cry because I don’t always know how to help you. I cry because I can’t find the patience to give you exactly what you need. I cry because I fear that you are broken and I don’t know how to fix you. I cry because life is hard enough when you are “normal.”
I know that you are happy most of the time. I know that you love me all of the time. Please know that I love you too. I love you even when I am sad, and even when I cry. I love you when I yell and when I say things like, “I am on my last nerve.” I will do whatever I can for you, no matter what that looks like.
You have a beautiful soul. I try very hard to remember that when you are kicking and screaming. When we are in public and I have to leave the store or the restaurant because the meltdown in a level 10. I cry when you hit me, or your brother or sister. When you scream and cry and I just can’t figure out what set you off. I try. I promise you that I will always try.
You are not your brain damage. You are not your autism. You are my son. You are a comedian. You are a boy full of energy and ideas. You are my shadow. I love every piece of you. I cannot fix you because you are not broken. You are a puzzle that was put together with a different method. It’s my job care for you and love you just the way you are. Perfectly imperfect, just like the rest of us.
Last night we had a couple over for dinner. They, like us have three kids. We had a great evening. At the end of the night, I walked our friends to the door and the gentlemen leaned in and hugged me. If you know me, you know that I do not hug. If you don’t know me, this post will shed some light. I did the polite thing and hugged him, only to have my husband say, “Wow, she hates to hug people. I can’t believe she hugged you. She only hugs on birthdays and Christmas.” I tried to smile and joke it off. I wanted to smack my husband, but he knows that I am not a hugger. So I figured I would share a list of things that make me uncomfortable.
1. Interpretive dance: I actual sweat thinking about it. I do not need to know how you feel through your version of dance and music. Please. I just can’t.
2. Hugging: Don’t get me wrong; I hug my kids, and sometimes my husband, but I prefer not to hug as a rule of thumb. How about a high five? Fist bump? Hearty handshake?
3. Clowns: Do I really need to elaborate on this? Super. Freaking. Creepy.
4. Mimes: Seriously, this is not my idea of art. I like my art hanging on a wall, without a distressing stare of silent judgement.
5. Emotions: I am seriously stunted in the emotional category. I understand emotions exist, but I prefer to ignore them.
6. Crying: I do not like to cry, or see others cry. I never know what to say when someone is crying. I usually try to wait it out, because I am almost positive hugging will be involved.
7. Animals dressed as people: Please dress your dog as a dog. Why do people dress animals. I know where this phobia comes from. My mother dresses her dog as well as carries her in an infant carrier. I am positive I was never carried in an infant carrier. I digress, this is a whole post on it’s own.
8. Serious Conversations: I hate the words, “We have to talk.” I get a knot in my stomach and feel queasy. I prefer the language of sarcasm. I am fluent in derision, mockery, ridicule, scorn, sneering, scoffing, cynicism, irony, and much much more.
9. Mandals: I am adamant that men should only wear one type of sandal, that is flip flops. Please under no circumstance should you wear ANY other type of sandal. They should be outlawed and burned. I just did a Google search for men’s sandals and about 52 different types populated. I am getting hives. Please! Only flip flops.
10. Fanny Packs: Why on earth is this item still being produced and sold? Get a purse if you are a woman, or get a wallet if you are a man. Buy a backpack if necessary. But please, for the love of all things holy, burn your fanny pack!
This is the short list. I have so many other issues that we couldn’t possibly unearth today. Just know that I am a hot mess of crazy. It truly not you, it’s me.
I am a woman. I am a wife. I am a mother. My brain never stops. Even when I sleep, I have constant lists and topics running wild through my cerebellum. It. Is. Exhausting. I love my husband. I love my kids. However, I would love to sleep. The mythological creature known as “Sleep” has eluded me for quite some time now. I am positive that I am the one who robs myself of sleep. Below you will find a list of 50 thoughts that run through my head from sunrise to sunset.
1. Is that a foot in my face?
2. Why does my hair smell like pee?
3. What day is it?
4. Did I pack lunches last night?
5. Where is the toilet paper? I know I bought toilet paper. Why isn’t it in this cabinet. I just went to the grocery store. Oh wait, that was last week. Not this week. Maybe I didn’t buy toilet paper.
6. I have to get everyone up and ready. But it is so quiet. I just want them to sleep until lunch.
7. OK, get them up. Push the coffee pot button first. At least the smell of coffee with soothe me.
8. Why are they fighting already? They haven’t been up for five freaking minutes. How can anyone be this angry all the time?
9. Why does everyone ask me where everything is? I can’t remember where I put my shoes, let alone your shoes.
10. It isn’t even 8:00 AM yet. Dear sweet Lord help me!
11. We can make it to school on time if we leave right now.
12. We will only be five minutes late if we leave right now.
13. Where are my keys?
14. How on earth have they not brushed their teeth yet? I don’t care if he is the smelly kid in class. Just go to the car.
15. OK, relax. I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing.
16. Oh, I like this song. Why do I like this song. There are only 5 total words in this song. I use to be smart.
17. OK 2 kids dropped off, one more to go.
18. OK, off to work. Why am I sweating already. I think I smell.
19. Don’t forget to switch the laundry when I get home. It may be moldy. I forgot to switch it last night.
20. Take something out for dinner. What did we have yesterday? How do I not remember what I made yesterday?
21. Spaghetti. We had spaghetti! I knew I would remember. OK, well I guess we can’t have spaghetti.
22. What time is it?
23. Why are these leftovers in the fridge? I told him to take this as lunch. How does he forget his lunch ever freaking day? I should call and see if he needs lunch.
24. I better vacuum. What is that spot on the floor? Why is it sticky? We didn’t have pancakes today. Is that maple syrup?
25. OK, 2 hours until pick up. What do I need to do? Shit! I forgot to switch the laundry.
26. OK, I need to wash this again.
27. Off to pick up. I will switch this when I get home.
28. Did I forget to turn the crock pot on? I didn’t smell food.
29. OK, two kids picked up, one to go.
30. Why are they fighting? They just got in the car. Why do they hate me?
31. Shit! I forgot to turn the crock pot on. OK, that will be dinner tomorrow. We can do breakfast for dinner tonight.
32. One hour until they go to bed. I can do this. 60 minutes.
33. Who threw that ball at my head? Freaking kids! Seriously, they hate me.
34. 40 minutes until bed. I can do this.
35. They just need to shower and brush teeth. Maybe tonight will be the night they do it all by themselves.
36. Why do I have to help them every night. We brush teeth every night. It is not rocket science.
37. 10 minutes. I can do this.
38. Seriously kid go to bed. If they come out and ask for water one more time.
39. OK, it is quiet. I am so happy to be sitting down right now.
40. I am so tired. I can’t see straight.
41. Did he just ask me if I want to do it? Seriously? Is he insane?
42. Is he seriously pouting right now?
43. It will only take five minutes, just suck it up and do it so he will go to bed.
44. OK, I can go to bed in 10 minutes and I will get a solid six hours of sleep.
45. OK, brain shut off. It is bedtime.
46. What was that noise? Is a kid awake?
47. I better check on the kids.
48. OK, everyone is fine.
49. I am so tired!
50. Shit! I forgot to switch the laundry.
There is no off switch. We just keep moving forward like the Energizer bunny on crack. Day in, day out. I am positive there are times you feel the same way I do. So I applaud you and your efforts to make it from sunrise to sunset.