Category Archives: Friendships

Twas the night before Christmas, my house is a mess

My kids were up at 6AM, this Momma is stressed

There up my ass early with no time to spare

In hopes that a jolly fat man soon will be there

These children all sugared up like crack heads

I can’t picture a universe with them in their beds

My hubby still passed out, sawing some trees

No naps in my future, not sure when I’ll get some ZZZZ’s

When out in the road I heard such a clatter

Oh hell no, family already, such a distressing matter

Away to the vacuum, I turned it on with a flash

Straighten up pillows, blankets, and laundry real fast

I open the door to tons of family with gifts

Come in, please sit, time for spiked coffee, AHHH Yes

Nothing like day-drinking at 8AM with family and friends

After this holiday I may end up with The Bends

12 hours until I can attempt to put my little addicts to bed

I’ll spend today barking threats they’ll be filled full of dread

Who am I kidding they don’t fear me

We’ll be lucky to end the day without a series of fisticuff sprees

Soon it will be time for Church and then supper

By 5 PM eastern I’ll most likely need an upper

After bed it will be time to play the Jolly old soul

My husband better not ask to go for a bedroom roll

Then off to steal some sleep before the big day arrives

Relax and don’t stress, no need to get hives

Enjoy each minute, it’s fleeting and fast

I hope that your family has a wonderful Christmas blast!

We are quickly inching in on 2015. In this day and age I personally find it very difficult and demanding to be a wife, mother, and full time work at home employee. I wear several different hats and I am constantly juggling various activities.

Today I received a text from a friend with the following document in it. It is a scoring sheet on rating a woman on her ability to be a superior wife and mother. This way you can score her before you purchase the cow so to speak. Take a look at the chart. It was the standard in 1930. You can click on the chart to get a better view.

In the above chart it clearly states the duties that the wife is meant to perform. I will now give you my score and line by line ratings.

Demerits:                                                         My Score:

1. Slow to come to bed—delays until husband is asleep. 1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Yes, some nights I will wait his ass out until I know it is safe to enter the room without being mauled like poor Roy by Mantecore in 2003.
2. Doesn’t like Children –                                                               0                                                                                                                                                                                                               I am potentially safe on this question. I am assuming it is referring to your own personal children. I love my children, but I hate other peoples kids. Let’s be honest, we all feel this way, right?
3. Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks-                                1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I have never sewed a button. I will never darn a sock. I will happily go to the store and buy a new pack of Hanes and call it a day.
4. Wears soiled or ragged dresses or aprons-                        1                                                                                                                                                                                                       Guilty as charged. There are days I do not get out of my PJ’s. My pajama pants look like they were mauled by Mantecore. They are still my favorite pants, and I am not sure why that makes me a bad wife.
5. Wears red nail polish—                                                             1                                                                                                                                                                                                             As we speak I am currently wearing glittery red nail polish that looks sweeeeeeeeeet. My though behind wearing red nail polish as a negative is that it infers the woman is a whore. Well, I guess you can call me Debbie and see if I head for Dallas.
6. Often late for appointments–                                                 5                                                                                                                                                                                                   You’ve got me. I haven’t been on time for anything in at least 10 years. I have three kids. I will most likely be late for my funeral.
7. Seams in hose often crooked–                                                1                                                                                                                                                                                                               I wouldn’t wear panty hose if you paid me. Plus they wouldn’t work with my flip flops.
8. Goes to bed with curlers and face cream-                          0                                                                                                                                                                                                               I do not do this, but once I did get a really bad perm and my entire family called me Chester which was the name of a poodle we use to have.
9. Puts her cold feet on her husband to warm them up-  1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Damn straight I do that. My feet are cold, his legs are covered with think hair. Its like a sweater for my feet.
10. Is a back seat driver-                                                                   1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Guilty as charged. I am the worst back seat driver. I am also a pretty bad regular driver.
11. Flirts with other men at parties-                                           0                                                                                                                                                                                                               I don’t think I am guilty of this one, but you would have to ask my husband. I am not interested in taking on another man, a wife on the other hand would be a welcomed addition to our family.
12. Is suspicious and jealous-                                                         0                                                                                                                                                                                                            At the end of the evening I am so tired that my hair hurts. I do not have the time or energy to be jealous. Plus I am assuming he knows that I am handy with a shovel and am not afraid to dig a hole.

Merits:

1. A good hostess-                                                                           1                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I would say that I am an awesome hostess. I always have my fridge stocked with beer and wine, and I love throwing a party.
2. Has meals on time-                                                                   1                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I do work from home so the majority of the time I have dinner ready and served on the table at 6:30. My husbands only complaint being that most of our meals could be served to nursing home patients because I have cooked them in the crock pot for about 12 hours. One year I only cooked food that I could cover in cream of mushroom soup.
3. Can carry on an interesting conversation-                      1                                                                                                                                                                                                                  If you are reading this then you know I am pretty freaking interesting, however exceptionally inappropriate.
4. Can play a musical instrument-                                          0                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I do not play any musical instruments, but I am attempting to teach my vagina to play the flute.
5. Dresses for breakfast-                                                            0                                                                                                                                                                                                                   As stated before, I sometime never change out of my pajamas. Why on earth would I get dressed to hand you a granola bar?
6. Neat housekeeper-tidy-                                                         1                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I am giving myself this point because I am at war with my children and house every single day. I do my best to keep maple syrup off of the furniture and fruit loops out of the couch. We own a dog. Her role is to eat anything that falls on the floor. That should count as vacuuming. This is however a daunting task and I am currently losing the battle.
7. Personally puts children to bed-                                         1                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Bed time is usually sports center time at my house, which means I am the one putting their asses in bed. I do a lot of screaming and throwing of items as to disrupt his television watching, but it usually has no effect on him.
8. Never goes to bed angry-                                                     1                                                                                                                                                                                                                       I try not to do this, however sometimes I am simply passing out. That doesn’t count right?
9. Asks husbands opinion on important decisions and purchases- 1                                                                                                                                                                                            I say I do this all the time, however my husband would disagree. I do ask him what he think, I just don’t always do what he says. I am not sure why that is a problem.
10. Good sense of humor—jolly and gay-                             1                                                                                                                                                                                                                    If I do say so myself…Yes I have a pretty good sense of humor. I think that is necessary if you want to stay married and have children. Otherwise you would find me on a bridge taking one last selfie before I jumped.
11. Religious-sends children to church and also goes to church- 1                                                                                                                                                                                                   I do my very best with this one. Some Sundays are harder than others, especially after the Saturday drinking that occurred due to the week I had taking care of the demanding demons..AKA children.
12. Let’s Husband sleep late on Sundays and Holidays- 1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 As soon as the three hemorrhoids march into our room on the weekend, he better be up and out of that bed. I am not a camp counselor. Time to rise and shine Baby.

My score….Drum roll please……………………………  -3

That’s right folks. I scored in the negative rage. Every day I get up, take the kids to school, do the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, work from home, clean the pool, cut the grass, complete home projects, shuttle kids to sports and activities, cook dinner, provide the required services for my husband and then go to bed so I can get up and do it again the next day. And after all this I got a -3. I am greatful I was not a wife in the 1930’s. I would have never survived. So here’s to ringing in 2015. May your year be filled with good health, well behaved children, wealth, and a husband who knows better than to ask you to sew on a freaking button.

It’s Thanksgiving Eve, there’s a crap ton to do.
Did you take the turkey out of the freezer? Oh hell no, I asked you!
Better get that bird in the tub, he’ll be frozen till June.
No one likes an arctic bird, I know we will call him Elsa, I bet he can sing quite a tune.
We have green-beans and cranberries, I see giblets galore.
Quick…5 second rule, I just dropped the stuffing on the floor.
The rolls are real sticky, the potatoes turned brown.
It’s OK, don’t sweat it, the family will be drunk as we pass them around.
The turkey is ready to be stuffed to the gills.
WTF is that his neck? Please pass me one of those pills.
This meal only happens just one day a year.
Why do we stress and pour alcohol to calm all the fear.
Its about being thankful so relax and decompress.
Pour the vodka, beer or Zin, perhaps a Xanax is best.
Sit with your family and relish this thought.
29 days till Christmas and I already can’t remember what I bought.
Happy Harvest to you and yours.
May your day be filled with cheer.
What’s that smell, oh shit the turkey. Can we do it at your house next year?

I am not a crafty person. I am however a fan of the DIY network and anything on the HGTV. I love to watch people turn a piece of junk into something a gay antique collector would spend top dollar on. I have spent countless hours watching savvy home flipping couples as well as those Canadian hunks “The Property Brothers.” I am a bit confused with Canada as a result of their many home improvement shows. Every time I watch an episode I see some first time couple buying a $500,000 home. What do people in Canada do for a living? Are they drug runners? Who makes that kind of money at 25 years old? I can’t afford that type of house at 34. Please, if you read this and live in Canada, email me and tell me what you do for a living. I am dying to know. At this point I believe all Canadians to be lucrative drug dealers with a keen sense for DIY projects.

Last week after watching one of those ridiculous shows, my husband turned to me and said, “Let’s redo the kitchen cabinets.” I have wanted new cabinets since we moved into the house. I was thrilled. “Yes, what kind of cabinets do you want to buy” I asked. His reply, “No, we are going to re-finish them ourselves.” Was he kidding? What do we know about painting kitchen cabinets, or home renovations for that matter? We do watch a ton of HGTV, but I spend most of the time judging the people and making fun of them as they struggle with their projects. This did not seem like a great idea.

We decided to start with the bathroom vanity cabinets in case the project was a huge disaster. We went to Home Depot and bought a quart of paint, some brushes, sand paper, and counter top resurface product. We went home and watched a few U-Tube clips and decided to tackle the project. This was a great time to start because it was dinner time and I was positive that the three blessing would cooperate and help make this project a breeze. I set them up with some corn dogs and juice boxes so I could set up the tables in the garage.

As soon as I was ready to start sanding the cabinet doors, the tribe danced their way into the garage. “Can we ride bikes while you do this?” I opened the garage door and started throwing scooters and bikes into the yard. “Please stay outside while we sand the doors down” I requested. I put on my mask and started going to town on my hated oak doors. As I am sanding like a pro, my youngest rode his bike directly into the table knocking one of the doors onto the ground. “Get out of the garage” I yelled. I don’t remember seeing many children in the DIY shows. Perhaps I should have locked them in a closet so I could get the work finished. After an hour of scooters and bikes ramming into my cabinet doors, I ordered everyone into the living room to watch TV. I gave instructions on what to watch and explained that if they left the carpet, it was bedtime. Not five minutes later the three hemorrhoids were back in the garage asking to help paint the doors. I guarantee that those renovation savvy families give their children away to gypsies during project time. No work was going to get completed with the kids awake.

I took a break and went into the house to put the kids to bed. I then returned to the garage where we continued sanding, scraping, and prepping the doors. We were ready for the first coat of paint. It went on pretty good, but my husband decided that he wanted a different finish, so he ran to Walmart to buy a product to add to the paint. It was now 9:00pm and I was getting tired. While he was gone I decided to try the resurfacing product on the bathroom countertop. I read the directions. It was simple. Clean the counter, use a roller to apply. So I did just that. The paint was super sticky and smelled like gasoline. I was leaving drip lines and bubble all over the place. It looked like shit. I ran to get a rag to wipe it off, but it was too late. The countertop lost the battle. The $20 product I applied was now going to cost me $100 in purchasing a new countertop.

He returned with the plaster and we watched another video on how to make chalk paint. He went into the kitchen and got some of my Tupperware and a spoon to mix the plaster. I wasn’t paying enough attention to him so as he called me to mix in the paint I was about 15 seconds late and the plaster turned into concrete. “Is this how it looked in the video” I asked? Apparently that was not a funny question at 9:45pm. We began to exchange a few choice words and then quickly started mixing a second batch of paint. This batch seemed like it was going to work.

I looked around the garage and it was a mess. Paint on the floors, brushes soaking, bikes, scooters, corn dog sticks, and empty beer bottles were all over the garage floor. I bet this is what it looks like on those shows before the editing process. The house was quiet and it was close to midnight. We had gotten two cabinet doors painted in the course of 6 hours. Those fucking DIY people renovate an entire house in a 30 minute show.

Defeated I took a shower and decided to clean up in the morning. As I was washing my hair I could hear my husband screaming “What happened to the countertop?” This was not going to go over well. 6:30 AM rolled around pretty quickly. Three bright-eyed hemorrhoids were lined up in my room requesting breakfast. I was not in the mood to cook a weekend buffet. We went into the garage to check the cabinets. They didn’t look bad, but there was no way we could do this in the kitchen. We have over 20 doors and drawer faces to paint. At this rate it would take me six months to complete the project.

We decided to take a trip to a specialty paint store. We brought our two finished cabinet doors and shattered DIY dreams. The owner took a look at our door and explained the correct process to painting cabinets. We were out of the store in 15 minutes with another $200 worth of paint and supplies. We went home, put the kids to bed before starting the project and success was upon us. I am happy to inform you that with the correct paint and tools you can paint a cabinet door properly. I managed to paint my bathroom vanity in just a few hours and it looked like freaking Martha Stewart did the project herself.

So I offer you a few tips for those DIY projects that you are planning in your home. Send your kids to sleep away camp. Children and projects do not mix. Buy beer, or a ton of wine. It was helpful with easing the pain of the disaster that occurred on the first try. Don’t be naive and think that it is going to be cheap because you are doing it yourself. I managed to screw up $200 worth of product before we got it right. DIY can initiate divorce. It didn’t go that far for us, but the kitchen is still to be completed. Be strong. If Canadian drug runners can do it, so can we.