Reality Not

It seems like every day a new reality TV show pops up. There are shows that display the daily lives of celebrities, Moms that can’t dance, so they force their kids to, and poor lost souls who hoard and live in filth. I am over reality television. I am sick and tired of watching the Kardashians bitch over their rough lives and watch as they spend more money then I will ever make in my lifetime. Whose reality is this? Who do you know that can go into a store and spend without limits without getting their car repossessed, or the credit card companies calling every day to shame them into making a payment? When I am at the store with my family the scenario is more like The Hunger Games than anything else. We are going into an arena of battle. “Mom, can I have this?” “No, I don’t have a coupon for that.” “So what, I really want it and you said if I was good you would get me something.” “Well in that case, when you graduate high school and get the fuck out of my house I will buy you something.  That will be good for me.”

I am not saying that having wealth will make me happy; I am also NOT saying that. What I am saying is that if people want reality television I can give them that. Most people I know live like me. They work too much. Have too many bills. Eat drive thru meals weekly, and don’t have access to nannies, maids, or personal trainers. Why do we watch these so-called reality programs? My only logical thought is that it is an escape from our own reality.

Come; follow me for a true glimpse of realty. Last week I blew a tire on the interstate. I beat my kid with a flip-flop on the way to school. I forgot to pay the water bill and my when I got home from work with three smelly dirty troll children, my water was shut off.  After grocery shopping the other day I got into a screaming match with my three-year old who proceeded to pee his pants in the middle of the kitchen, where I had just unloaded all of my groceries. That’s right. He pissed on my groceries.

I’ve got reality. I was at a Labor Day party for a total of five minutes before my daughter was launched from the bouncy water slide and catapulted across the lawn and broke her arm. I spent the next four hours in the emergency room praying I was at an in-network hospital. “Are you sure she needs an x-ray? I mean she is pretty tough, tiger blood genetics.” The doctor just looked at me and shook his head. He wasn’t going to get an astronomical bill that would take a year to pay off. BOOM! Now that is some shitty reality.

Reality for most of us is not blowing through cash and daily shopping sprees. One time I watched an episode where the Kardashians learned to coupon. What the fuck? Are you serious? I have to coupon. I didn’t learn because it looked like fun. I must spend hours cutting, printing, and organizing a shopping list. If I don’t I have to pick which items go back. “Ma’am, do you want the toilet paper? No that’s ok; we will keep wiping our asses with our hands.”

Come on! How on earth is what we watch on TV everyday reality? If we are being honest I know why I haven’t gotten a contract for a reality show. I wouldn’t make it through a season before someone called the cops on me for some type of “abuse”. I tell my kids to go to bed or Poopy the coon will sniff around the house looking naughty children to eat. Fear works people, and I need some freaking sleep. I wield a flip-flop on a daily basis and I am a firm believer in a spanking.

My show could feature episodes of how dinner actually gets made when you cook it yourself. I can show the world how I clean toilets, wipe asses, battle cellulite without surgery, and get up and do it again day after day. I have a completely dysfunctional family, my parents and in-laws live in a five-mile radius of me.   I am pretty sure that the reality I live is closer to your reality then that of The Kardashians. Call the networks. Demand that we feature real families on our reality TV programming. Wait, that is probably a bad idea. No one would watch this. I was just kidding. My reality is pretty scary. Watch the pretty people with lots of money. They wear shiny things and keep us distracted so we can make it through the true reality that we face every day.