blogger Archives - That's Inappropriate

03Aug 2015

10 Steps To A “Safe Selfie”

I avoid being in any pictures at any and all costs. I never take “selfies” and to be honest, I don’t like to see other people’s “selfies.” There is a dangerous trend spreading across the globe where people are putting themselves in harm’s way to click the perfect “selfie.” As a mother of three I would like to start a campaign know as “Safe Selfies.” Below are some tips and tricks to practice while taking “selfies” to ensure that they are safe, secure, and in good taste.

1. Avoid the “Naughty Selfie” at all times: This is a firm tip to practice. You don’t want to look like a horses ass while showing too much titty. Keep your clothes on and no one will nag you about your indiscretions in the future.

2. Avoid the Dr. Seuss “selfie”: Do not selfie with a fox. Do not selfie in a box. Be sure to check both here and there; your selfie could end up EVERYWHERE!

3. Avoid high altitude “selfies.”: Perhaps it’s because the air is thinner, or you’re an idiot, but a “selfie” on the railing on a bridge or the rooftop of a building spells disaster.

4. Never “selfie” while drinking: It always seems like a great idea to take out the phone and click away while hanging out and drinking with friends. Instagram and Snapchat will tell a much different, more scandalous story the next day. You thought you looked hot, but hot you was not!

5. Duck-face “selfies” are done!: Please avoid the duck-face “selfie” at all costs. I am currently working with the state legislature to make this type of “selfie” a ticketable offense for animal cruelty.

6. Animal “selfies” are so not this season: Stay away from bears, bison, bucks, bees, beavers, bats, bulldogs, baboons, and bobcats. To be safe, avoid taking a “selfie” with any member of the animal kingdom that isn’t vaccinated and micro-chipped.

7. Avoid the arrestable “selfie”: It is not wise to take a “selfie” with guns, ammo, knives, weapons, money, drugs, or bomb making materials. If you are unaware of what self-incrimination is, shoot me an email and I will send you some information, and the contact of a good lawyer I know.

8. Funeral “selfies”: This type of selfie is usually in poor taste, especially if you also get an image of the casket or urn. Some people may wonder why you are shooting a peace sign next to Grandma’s casket with a stern look on your face.

9. DWS (Driving while selfie-ing): PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, stop taking selfies while driving in cars. I promise that this will end in catastrophe. You may have caught a glimpse of yourself in the side view mirror and thought, “Damn, I am looking smoking hot today,” but I beg of you, keep the phone off and away from you while driving. You will definitely look smoking hot when you plow into a tree and your car bursts into flames.

10. DO NOT EVER take a bathroom selfie: I repeat, NEVER EVER take a bathroom selfie. You may have seen yourself in the bathroom mirror and thought, “Wow, this is the perfect lighting for a dick pic.” I guarantee you that it is not the perfect lighting, and further more, shame on you. Put your penis back in your pants and go straight to time-out. But the real danger of the bathroom selfie is simple, you may unintentionally snap the picture with the toilet in the background and low and behold, the toilet is overrun with a gang of feces.

So if you must “selfie” please do it with care. Use the brains in your head, and keep the duck bill off your lips. I am not opposed to saving memories, I am simply trying to spread awareness about the great cause that is near and dear to my heart. So be smart and practice safe selfies!

Meredith is a work-from-home mother of three who writes about the inappropriate side of marriage and motherhood on her blog at That’s Inappropriate Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

27May 2015

20 Tips To Becoming A Superhero To Your Spouse

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 18 Comments

It seems that there are superheroes everywhere you turn. New summer movies will be gracing the big screens any day now, and comic book television dramas are sure to be on the fall primetime lineup. I have sat through hours of Batman, Ironman, the Flash, Superman, Spiderman, and most recently Daredevil. I am at a loss to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good action flick as much as the next guy, but I just don’t get superheroes.

What is it about superheroes that make our husbands want to secretly be these men? Why do they dream about a meteor falling from the sky, causing intergalactic gel to ooze into the water system, thus giving them secret powers that they can use to fight crime???? I guess I am no fun. I don’t see the point in watching a movie or television series where people have magical powers. If you want me to watch a show with you, create a character that was hit by a bolt of lightning and woke up without her saggy tits, cellulite on her ass, and the absence of cross-continental baggage under her eyes. That show I will watch!

So men, let me tell you what will make you a Superhero to your significant other:

1. Scrub the toilet. The entire toilet, including the shit stains.

2. Wash the dishes….with soap.

3. Give the kids a bath….with soap.

4. Cook dinner, or get take-out. Either way she didn’t have to cook, so you win.

5. Take us shopping and smile the entire time. Don’t ask if the item is on sale.

6. Wake up at night with the kids….especially if someone pissed the bed. Don’t pretend you can’t hear them. The dead can hear them.

7. Hold your farts. If it is a dire emergency, pass gas next to the children, not your wife.

8. Don’t fart while in bed, and don’t even think about pulling the covers up over her head.

9. When we agree that a holiday or special occasion does not require gifts, get her one anyway. She wants a gift. She always wants a gift.

10. Snuggle up next to your wife while in bed and cuddle with no expectation of sex. Like legitimately no expectation of sex.

11. Don’t’ push your junk on her back and tell her you have a gift for her. It’s not really a gift. She has seen it before.

12. Vacuum, mop, wash the windows, repeat.

13. Ask her if she wants a mustache ride without expecting anything in return.

14. Get a babysitter without telling her and take her to dinner.

15. Wash the laundry, and put it away. Let me clarify, put it in the correct drawer. Don’t put your son’s underwear in your wife’s drawer.

16. Load the dishwasher, and then empty the dishwasher without being asked. I bet she drops to her knees later that evening.

17. Text her a sweet message during the day. Something like, “Babe, I can’t wait to get home and do a load of whites.”

18. Take the kids……ANYWHERE. For an extended period of time.

19. Bring her chocolate…….ANYTHING.

20. Bring her wine……..ANY KIND.

So as you can see, it is pretty simple to become a superhero. Your spouse will most definitely think that you can leap tall buildings in a single bound if you follow these 20 tips. They will call you the man of steel, or whatever ridiculous name you want them to scream while in the bedroom. These 20 tips are proven panty dropper’s, so get started today.

*This message is endorsed and sponsored by every woman on the planet

06May 2015

My Mother’s Day Wish

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

I don’t want flowers.

Please don’t buy me a gift.

What do I want this year, several hours of quiet bliss.

Don’t knock on my door.

Don’t utter my name.

If a problem arises, call Daddy, he’s game.

I want to shower in silence.

I want to take a long nap.

I don’t want to see your fingers under the door while taking a crap.

Don’t tell me you’re hungry.

Don’t whimper or whine.

It’s Mother’s day rug rats, pass the wine while I dine.

The kitchen is closed.

No cooking today.

But I do want to binge watch episodes of Grey’s.

No cleaning or laundry.

No dishes will I do.

You crayon gobblers’ better think twice before throwing a coup.

I want to relax and read a book.

Eat a meal without sharing.

I’m sorry if this seems a bit uncaring.

Daddy, this goes for you too.

So tonight at bedtime…

I’ll take a pass on the screw.

I want to fall asleep untouched.

Please, no orifice invasion.

No groping or humping, I’m immune to persuasion.

Mommy needs a break.

But please don’t be sad.

The sperm donor’s here, you call him Dad.

28Apr 2015

An Open Letter to Taylor Swift

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 1 Comment

Let me begin by saying that I do in fact understand that I am a 34-year-old mother of 3. I am also a huge Taylor Swift fan. I have several friends who have given me grief for being such a “Swifty,” but I simply do not care. Here is my open letter to Taylor Swift, explaining why I am head over heels in love with her.

Dear Taylor Swift,

You are adorable. Sometimes I pretend to be your beautiful, fancy older sister who gets to jet set with you all over the globe. You are remarkable. I am in awe of your song writing talents and ability to engineer social media. You are undoubtedly a genius. I am impressed with your musical talents, but also your business and marketing skills. You have become a very accomplished individual at a very young age. Being a mother, I am grateful to you as an artist and competent role model. My children all adore your music and I am happy that they can listen to it. Your music videos are all safe for their eyes, and you have given back to the community that has supported you over and over again.

It seems like critics are always waiting for the other shoe to drop with you. They are waiting for you to “Lose it” or get photographed doing illegal or immoral things. To them I say, “Haters gonna hate,” to you I say, “Shake it Off.” You are a smart business woman, who I am thrilled to have my daughter look up to. You have found a way to make a huge impact while remaining grounded and sane. I applaud your efforts and I wish you the best. I know you will continue to succeed going quintuple platinum on your next three albums. I hope you are happy and find satisfaction with your craft.

I find your music infectious and I can never sit still when listening to your sick beats. I find myself mopping the floors to your energetic tunes. Your lyrics send a message of hope and inspiration, as well as power to know it is safe to be yourself. You have cornered the market on threenagers, teenagers, and thirty-somethings. I look forward to your 1989 tour, and I will see you in October.

Sincerely,

Crazy Mother of 3 Super Fan

P.S. My husband also loves you and uses the 1989 album as his workout mix 😉

Sunshine

www.thatsinappropriate.net

30Mar 2015

5 Ways To De-Stress your Daily Household Routine

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

I am a type A person with a primal need for completion. I find routines to be soothing and peaceful, but one thing always gets me….the house work never ends. The laundry, the dishes, the floors, they always need attention. I have tried and tried to find ways to feel like I am one step ahead, but that one step always ends with me in some type of bodily fluid, or dog excrement. With that in mind, I have created a list of 5 ways to De-stress your daily Household routine.

1. Wear Fuzzy Socks: I live in Florida so most of the time it is flip-flop weather. However, when I am in my house I wear fuzzy socks. Why would I do that you ask, its simple. I spray my fuzzy socks with some Mr. Clean and I skate mop the floors during the day. It is a great work out and it gets those unsightly blemishes up off the floor in a flash.

2. Window Decals: Have you ever used those cute holiday inspired window decals? They have them for every holiday and seasonal theme. If you keep them up all year-long, you can’t see how dirty the windows are. I have also found that if I do venture out and clean the sliding doors, people run into them, which is most definitely a hazard. So keep your Easter bunny decals up until the 4th of July and then go crazy with Halloween. Pumpkins for everyone

3. Crock Pot-it: The best kitchen invention ever is the crock pot. I will crock pot cook anything. Want chicken for dinner, DONE! Want a roast, DONE! Want a cake, DONE! There is a recipe for pretty much anything you can think of. I would have never guessed that owing a crock pot would be a highlight in my life, but I am one proud crock potting Momma.

4. Toy Bin Organization: I love to have everything in its place. I have several pieces of furniture from IKEA that house various sized bins to organize the kids toys. Each bin is used to house a different type of toy. One bin for hot wheels, one for action figures, one for toy food and kitchen play items, you get the picture. That beautiful site lasted about 30 seconds. The first time I asked the kids to pick up the play room they put all of toys away in the wrong bins. I was horrified, until I realized that there were in fact no toys on the floor and the room was cleaned up. So I have learned to let it slide. There may be a piece of three-week old pizza in a bin, but one of the kids will wise up at some point and eat it.

5. Bathroom hack: Now that all three of my kids shower on their own, I have designated that they will be the ones to clean the bathroom. How do I get them to do that you ask? It’s simple, I send them in with one bottle of 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner and a bottle of body wash and I tell them to go crazy. “Wash your body and hair first, then clean the walls, floor, and door.” I am not really concerned that they are cleaning the shower with body wash, they would be dumping it down the drain if I didn’t give them specific instructions, so at least it is going to good use. Next they get out of the shower and mop the floor up with their towels. They always forget to shut the door or the curtain all the way, so there is ample water on the floor. Once they use the towel to mop it up we have a nice shiny bathroom floor.

So in the end, I have learned to live with the daily grind of household chores and relaxed a bit on the ideal outcome. We live in our house, it is not a model home, it will not be perfect. If I want the house to be perfectly clean and smelling fresh, I will have to find someplace to send my three kids and husband. So I have decided to keep the lived in-house and stress less about the “lived in” look.

Sunshine

thatsinappropriate.net

@thatsinapropro

10Feb 2015

Welcome To Time Out

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

“Welcome To Time Out”

Mom Version of Taylor Swifts “Welcome to New York”

I find that I sing this tune very frequently in my home. Please feel free to sing along while you send your sweet child to time-out.

Welcome to your room, Mom slams the door

Crying, flailing limbs, tears and so much more

Everybody listens as you scream and roar

Searching for a wooden spoon, Mom counts to four

And she says

Welcome to Time-Out

Its been waiting for you

Welcome to Time-Out

You’re stuck now child

Feel free to cry and stomp your feet, feet

Ten minutes more

Cuz I can’t stand your shreeeeeeek, shreeeeeek

Welcome to Time-Out

Its been waiting for you

Welcome to Time-Out

When you first threw your cup and bowl on the floor

Took your spoon and fork, ran and slammed the door

Everybody here knows you’ve been before

Because you want what you want

Boy oh boy bad choice and more

Welcome to Time-Out

Its been waiting for you

Welcome to Time-Out

You’re stuck now child

Feel free to cry and stomp your feet, feet

Ten minutes more

Cuz I can’t stand your shreeeeeeek, shreeeeeek

It doesn’t matter if you can carry a tune or not. Sing loud and proud!!

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

06Feb 2015

What’s Your Mileage?

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

I like my minivan. It is practical, safe, and drives like a dream. It fits the whole family very comfortably. I never thought I could be so content with a minivan. What’s my point? I know at some time in the near future, maybe 3-4 years, I will get rid of my van. It will hit 100,000 miles and I will trade it in for a newer version. So once again, what’s my point? Cars, homes, appliances, and people all have a shelf life. My minivan will get kicked to the curb when that odometer hits 6 digits. So the question at hand is, what is my odometer reading, and will I get traded in?

As a woman in her mid-thirties, with a body that has been destroyed by child-birth three times, I think about being traded in. I’m not blind. I can see the newer, shiny versions that travel the block. Perky breasts, tight asses, and hair that is free of boogers and spit up. I myself admire those versions, I remember being that version. I am also aware of the fact that each year, gravity is more and more vengeful and there isn’t much I can do about it.

With my minivan there is no guessing. I can see the odometer each day. There are no surprises. It is clear and precise. 60,342 miles have been accrued. How many miles have I accrued? If you judge it by the dark circles under my eyes, or the pains in my knees and back, my mileage is pretty substantial for a mid-thirties model. I do my best to exercise and eat well, but the three blood sucking vampires that I live with make it difficult to look like the twenty something model that is dent free with still inflated tires.

When I go to the dealership to trade in my minivan it will not be a shock. I will be ready for the trade. I will do research on my next vehicle; I will be able to prepare myself mentally. I guess my real fear is that since I can’t see my odometer reading, will I be shocked if I get traded in? Will I be blindsided and feel like those poor crash test dummies, all mangled and broken?

The thought of having to start the dating process all over again is daunting. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be single again. When you go car shopping, you can ask for an accident report or a Car Fax. I guess that’s what dating is like after marriage. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you. How many kids do you have? Any major accidents or surgeries I should know about? Do you have a good health insurance plan? How about your 401K? Is your Mother still alive?” Yikes!!! Check please.

So in the end, will the odometer reading determine if I get traded in, or will it only increase my value and cause me to become a classic? There is the possibility that my husband will love the vintage look and keep me around for the long haul. Men have odometer as well, so I guess I could consider a trade. It’s a good thing for him that I hate car shopping. I wonder what the Car Fax on a thirty something, bald father of three looks like? My guess is it’s a comparative value to a 60,324 mile Minivan Mom.

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

30Jan 2015

#Mommitment

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 6 Comments

Taking care of other people as though your life depends on it….That is the commitment that we all make to our kids. Some moms make that commitment by being the crafty, hair did, stylish, got their shit together moms. Others rock the hell out of the yoga pants, snot covered t-shirts, crock pot meals, and consistent tardiness to dance class. Either way, we put our children first so that they can enjoy the things in life they dream about. We all do it out of an undying love; turned on like a light switch one day, that can never be flipped off. The fact that we as mothers would wish to judge and throw shame at one another makes me sad. We are all trying to do the same thing – raise humans.

My pledge is very simple. I vow to cast no “Mom” judgment. Moms are people, and people make decisions and choices. I may not agree with the choices or understand them, but I can still be kind, tolerant, loving, and gracious. I can listen when the days are long, and the laundry never ends. I can listen to rants and sympathize, because I was once in that exact same spot.

I pledge not to make snarky comments in my head when that crafty, Pinterest Mom brings in homemade cupcakes with hand-carved candy statues on top. I will try to just sit back and think about the time she took to make such a beautiful gesture for her child. I will write about my life and struggles so that you can know that we are all going through a very similar journey. I will try my best to make you laugh.

We are all trying to raise future teachers, lawyers, congressmen, small business owners, NBA stars, and (against all odds) astronauts. So, I will stand alongside you, I will not pick up a stone. Being a mom is hard enough; there is no need to endure a meteor shower.

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

27Jan 2015

What Did You Say?

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

whatdidyousay

Have you ever been out with friends and seen the “What did you say to me” head turn? It’s that moment when as a parent you heard exactly what the child said, but you can’t actually process that they said it. I have noticed that my children tend to say a lot of things and sometimes I am unsure of what the exact meaning is. Therefore, I have complied a list of terms and what they really mean. Please read below and save for your records in case you end up in the middle of a conversation with a crazy-ass child that seems to be babbling Yiddish.

Terms and their meanings:

I didn’t do it.: This means that the child did in fact do it, but they believe that you did not see them do it. They will defend their innocence to the death. You can show them streaming footage of the event in question and they will most likely still claim that they had no part in said activity. I myself have confronted my child with concrete evidence that they did in fact break a lamp, and yet she stood firm and tall, lying straight through her pearly white teeth.

Dad said I could.: This gem states that the child waited until “Dad” was on the couch napping to ask if they could get the glue, glitter, scissors, and yarn down from the craft bin to style the dogs hair. They obviously had permission from their father to complete the DIY project, so what is the actual problem? The dog seems satisfied and now you don’t have to take it to the groomers.

Why is your belly still fat?: Clear and to the point, this child is stating that you had that last baby over four years ago and it is time to get real and figure your shit out. On a side note, you have permission to slap the kid when they imply that you are pregnant when they damn well know you are not, however make sure it is your kid and not your kid’s friend.

You can’t make me!: This feisty child is challenging you to a duel of sorts. They are testing you to see if you will in fact, make them do whatever it is that you want them to do. They will wait you out, so be cautious and know your time restraints before going to battle. I have sat with my kid for over 2 hours at the dinner table over a few green beans, and I don’t have a DVR so I missed American Idol. Shit got real after that.

NO!: Silly, silly little one. This response is pretty specific. This child is asking, no dare I say demanding a series of spanking, time-outs, and other activities that follow when you tell your Mom no. My children are well aware of my specific sharp, head turn to the left. The daggers that shoot from my eyes like Indiana Jones zooming through the temple of doom. No good will ever come from this response. “No” is a four letter word in my house.

You’re the worst Mom ever!: This child is telling you the exact opposite. If you have gotten them this mad, your most likely the best Mom ever because you stood your ground. This is music to my ears! If they had done their homework and emptied the dishwasher, they could be playing video games right now instead of scooping dog shit up in the front yard.

I promise!: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, believe this one. I have never once seen an actual promise take root in my house. Children are sneaky, shifty, lie-baggers, and they are not to be trusted. They will promise you something in one hand, and take a hot steamy crap in the other. Watch out and be vigilant. My favorite is, “If you read me one more story I will go to bed.” That child must think I was born yesterday. My children do not sleep, they are powered by pure evil. I’m pretty sure if they get a combined 20 minutes of sleep throughout the night, they can stay awake for an uninterrupted 7 days.

So I leave you with a simple yet detailed list of terms that you may come across as you are parenting your little love muffin. I wish you luck in all of your conversations with your children, so you are never left wondering, “What did you say?”

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

26Jan 2015

The “F” Series

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

go the f

This weekend I had many thoughts running through my mind. If you are a parent I can pretty much guarantee that you have also had these very same thoughts. I did not share my thoughts with my children, although if we are being honest, I wanted to. Below are a few of the thoughts that entered my brain.

Why are you still talking?

Are you seriously this annoying?

Do you really think the noodles belong in your hair?

Why do you smell so bad?

What is that all over your face?

When is the last time you brushed your teeth?

Do I have to do everything for you?

Do you train to be this loud and obnoxious?

Why do you hate me?

Will you ever finish all of your food?

Am I positive these kids are mine?

Would they notice if I left?

Why do they hate each other so much?

While getting the kids ready for bed last night I was thinking about the Adam Mansbach book, “Go the F to sleep. If you haven’t read it, I urge you to do so. It is what ever parent deals with almost every night. Each night my kids act as if they have never heard of bed time before. They cock their head to the side and give me that confused look, as if I am speaking in Chinese. So after this weekend I employ Adam Mansbach to write a few more books. Below are some topics I would like him to explore.

Perspective Titles:

Shut the F up kid (Great gift for any child in your life that refuses to shut up. I’m not sure how my kids are alive, they never stop to take a breath .)

Do your F-ing homework (Perfect for the kid who needs to be buckled into the chair at the dining room table or else they will disappear like Houdini.)

Clean your F-ing room (For the child with no organizational skills and more match-box cars on the floor then Toys R Us has in their inventory.)

Hug your F-ing siblings (For the siblings that truly can’t stand each other but at some point need to figure out that they only get one family, so sorry your totally screwed.)

Be F-ing Nice ( For that boy or girl that always has something awful to say. Book included Tabasco Sauce for their filthy mouth.)

Take an F-ing Shower (Sweet and delicate way to tell your children that only farm animals should smell that way.)

Perhaps the “F” series as I will be calling it, will dramatically change my life. It may answer all of my prayers, or at least it will give me a laugh before I try to stick my head in the oven after I attempt to put my kids to bed for the 900^th time that night.

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

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