50 Thoughts I Think My Husband Has From Sunrise to Sunset

by ⋅ Leave a Comment
New-age-thinking-man1

A few months ago I wrote an article about 50 thoughts that travel through my mind on a daily basis. If you missed it, here it is: 50 Thoughts That I have Between Sunrise and Sunset. I took some heat in the comment section, stating that other people besides me apparently also have thoughts; including men. I wrote the piece to give a glimpse into my mind, not to state that others walk around with an empty head. However those comments prompted me to think about the thoughts my husband has on a daily basis.

Here is the speculated list of thoughts that I believe run though my husbands head from sunrise to sunset.

  1. I better hurry, I hit the snooze like ten times this morning.
  2. Did I shower last night? I’ll put on extra deodorant.
  3. Oh good, the wife bought me body spray, that will work.
  4. I don’t know if this tie matches. She is still asleep, should I wake her to ask?
  5. Shit, she looked pissed when I woke her up to ask about my tie.
  6. Why is there no food in the fridge? Didn’t she grocery shop this week?
  7. Where are the left overs? I guess it’s frozen burritos again.
  8. Where are my work keys? I know I put them on the counter last night.
  9. I probably shouldn’t have asked her where my work keys are, she is such a grump.
  10. Oh look, here they are, in my work bag. Hilarious!
  11. I have a meeting in like 20 minutes, I better hurry up.
  12. Will this person every shut up? I can’t take another meeting.
  13. I wonder what we are having for dinner.
  14. I want steak. I bet she put something in that crock-pot. Damn thing. Its like eating baby food.
  15. I’m horny. Maybe I’ll send her a text.
  16. Why is she so grouchy? That text was hilarious.
  17. I didn’t say send a naked picture, I said a dirty picture. Seriously!
  18. I bet if I leave work by 4:00 I can play nine holes.
  19. Why didn’t she send a dirty picture?
  20. Maybe I’ll text her and tell her I’m bringing steak home to grill. That way its like I cooked dinner.
  21. I could use a nap. A nap and sex would be good right about now.
  22. Another meeting, kill me now.
  23. Count down time, one hour until golf.
  24. I forgot to put my last round in this new golf app I bought. I better do that know so it can analyze my projected score.
  25. Sign these documents and lock my office door. I can be outta her in like 10 minutes.
  26. I’ll just shoot her a text and let her know I’ll be home in a few hours.
  27. I know, I’ll remind her that the doctor said golf was good for my blood pressure. Yeah, that and sex are good for my blood pressure.
  28. I love golf.
  29. I love beer.
  30. I’m horny again.
  31. That was an awesome swing. I nailed that ball.
  32. I’m gonna nail her later.
  33. OK, wrapping up. I’ll text her that I’m getting in the car.
  34. Shit, she needs me to stop at the store.
  35. Oh good, I forgot I wanted steaks.
  36. Sweet, beer is on sale.
  37. Did she say something about toilet paper?
  38. Why is it so loud every time I walk in this house?
  39. Geeze, don’t look so happy that I’m home.
  40. Let’s get that steak on the grill.
  41. Smells good. I need a beer.
  42. Why does she get mad when I smack her ass? It’s a compliment.
  43. She didn’t even say thank you to mw. I did cook dinner.
  44. OK, it’s finally quiet. The kids are in bed.
  45. Come over her little lady and spend some time with Daddy. Why does she look at me like that?
  46. I know, I’ll make that pissy face so she’ll give in.
  47. Totally worked!
  48. Why does she keep getting out of bed? Of course the kids are still here, where does she think they will go?
  49. I’m tired.
  50.  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

So there you have it. Here are my assumptions of what goes through my husbands head from sunrise to sunset. I am not implying that these are your thoughts, your husbands thoughts, or anything else that will get your panties in a big huge wadded bunch. Relax and share this with someone who has a sense of humor.

Resting Dick Face: The Male Equivalent of RBF

by ⋅ Leave a Comment
rdf

RBF has been all over the internet as of late. I myself suffer from a serious case of “Resting Bitch Face.” I have been asked numerous times, “What’s wrong, why are you so upset?” Only to respond, “That’s just my face, I’m fine.” RBF apparently plagues many women from all walks of life. I recently read an article in the New York Times, explaining that men with stern faces, and longing looks are distinguished. I disagree. I believe that men suffer as well. I know this because my husband suffers from what I have deemed “Resting Dick Face.”

“Resting Dick Face” causes the face to squint and scowl, looking grouchy and constipated. RDF is usually prompted by the following situations:

~Asking for help with the kids.
~Asking for help with the dishes.
~Asking for help with the laundry.
~Spending time with the in-laws.
~Spending time with the wife’s friends.
~Listening to the wife talk about her day.
~Interrupting ESPN.
~Interrupting an NBA game.
~Interrupting an NFL game.
~Interrupting a PGA event.
~Interrupting a 30 for 30 special.
~Clothes shopping.
~Shoe shopping.
~Purse shopping.
~Home decor shopping.
~Event planning (Other then Super Bowl)
~Denying sex due to a headache.
~Denying sex due to your period.
~Denying sex due to exhaustion.
~Denying sex simply to deny sex.
There is hope. There are several known cures for RDF. They include golfing, fishing, drinking with friends, and watching Sports Center. The most effective and fastest cure for RDF is sexual intercourse, but oral sex will work if you are short on time.

So women, be aware that your man may suffer from RDF. Take a deep breath and know you are not alone. It isn’t necessary to seek medical attention right away. You can simply ask him to wipe that nasty look off his face and finish putting the kids to bed. He can pout on the couch later.

Life Is Short. Have An Affair: Part Deux

by ⋅ 17 Comments
Screen Shot 2015-07-24 at 3.17.55 PM

On Monday the Ashley Madison story broke. The site was hacked, and 37 million members’ information was at risk of being leaked. I took a look at the site and a few articles that were circulating on CNN, The Huffington Post, The Wall Street Journal, and I decided to write a piece about the situation. I had no idea that my tiny humor post would strike such a nerve.

My post has over 950 comments ranging from positive support, to people wishing for my ultimate demise. If you have a minute you should head over and read the comments. Make that 15 minutes. Life Is Short. Have An Affair. Ashley Madison

I decided that I need to write a follow-up piece to reply to some of the comments that I received via email and on my site. Please keep in mind that I am a humor blogger and I do not have the ability to keep sarcasm out of anything that I write.

1. You live under a rock: At the present time I do not live under a rock.
2. You are naive: Yes, I am . I am also positive that this is one of the many things people find charming about me.
3. Marriage is a fluid agreement: Ummm, in my house marriage is a contract. A firm contact that does not allow me to play with anyone’s fluids, except my husbands.
4. “Married dating” is real and everybody is doing it: I don’t think we should call it “married dating” anymore. Let’s keep it simple and call it cheating, and not everyone is doing it. Cheaters are doing it.
5. You are a judgmental person who has no idea what marriage is all about: I am an opinionated person who has been married for 12 years. I know nothing of “married dating,” and I hold no judgement over you. As for marriage, I know that it is a close second to the hardest thing I have ever done, the first being parenting.
6. Open marriage is a real thing and you should learn about it: I knew that open marriages existed. It is not something that I see much in my small town, but I am sure it is going on. If you have an open marriage I am assuming that both partners know it is open. Therefore you are in the clear to participate in “married dating.” Go ahead and hump until the cows come home.
7. Cheating does take organization and time management skills: I figured as much. Considering I locked myself out of my house yesterday and put the milk in the panty last night, I will stick with a monogamous relationship. The heartburn alone would cause me to spend more time then I like at CVS purchasing Tums to ease my gastrointestinal discomfort.
8. The meaning of monogamy has changed and you missed it: I just checked the dictionary, Wiki answers, Yahoo answers, and I “Googled” it to be sure. All sources confirmed that it does in fact mean being with ONE person during the course of the relationship. Not one person that day, and a different person the next day. I couldn’t find the definition for 24 hour monogamy, but I will let you know when I do.
9. You sound uptight. You should have a threesome: I have seen Seinfeld, so I was aware of the infamous “Menage a Trois.” Like I said, I currently do not live under a rock. Or at least my rock has cable. I think I will refrain from said activity due to the fact that I am standing firm with the monogamy thing.
10. I read your article and I think we should have an affair: This one threw me for a loop. If he had read my article I think he would have understood that I am currently married and not seeking out anyone to participate in “married dating.” I will have to go back and read my original post again to make sure that I was clear in my stance on said “married dating.”

These are my responses to just a few of the comments that were made after my post. Please feel free to send me your opinion on the breach, or any other issue that you have with me or my writing. Your opinion counts, just as much as mine.

20 Tips To Becoming A Superhero To Your Spouse

by ⋅ 18 Comments
Cosplay_of_superheroes

superman

It seems that there are superheroes everywhere you turn. New summer movies will be gracing the big screens any day now, and comic book television dramas are sure to be on the fall primetime lineup. I have sat through hours of Batman, Ironman, the Flash, Superman, Spiderman, and most recently Daredevil. I am at a loss to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good action flick as much as the next guy, but I just don’t get superheroes.

What is it about superheroes that make our husbands want to secretly be these men? Why do they dream about a meteor falling from the sky, causing intergalactic gel to ooze into the water system, thus giving them secret powers that they can use to fight crime???? I guess I am no fun. I don’t see the point in watching a movie or television series where people have magical powers. If you want me to watch a show with you, create a character that was hit by a bolt of lightning and woke up without her  saggy tits, cellulite on her ass, and the absence of cross-continental baggage under her eyes. That show I will watch! 

So men, let me tell you what will make you a Superhero to your significant other:

1. Scrub the toilet. The entire toilet, including the shit stains.

2. Wash the dishes….with soap.

3. Give the kids a bath….with soap.

4. Cook dinner, or get take-out. Either way she didn’t have to cook, so you win.

5. Take us shopping and smile the entire time. Don’t ask if the item is on sale.

6. Wake up at night with the kids….especially if someone pissed the bed. Don’t pretend you can’t hear them. The dead can hear them.

7. Hold your farts. If it is a dire emergency, pass gas next to the children, not your wife. 

8. Don’t fart while in bed, and don’t even think about pulling the covers up over her head.

9. When we agree that a holiday or special occasion does not require gifts, get her one anyway. She wants a gift. She always wants a gift.

10. Snuggle up next to your wife while in bed and cuddle with no expectation of sex. Like legitimately no expectation of sex. 

11. Don’t’ push your junk on her back and tell her you have a gift for her. It’s not really a gift. She has seen it before.

12. Vacuum, mop, wash the windows, repeat.

13. Ask her if she wants a mustache ride without expecting anything in return.

14. Get a babysitter without telling her and take her to dinner. 

15. Wash the laundry, and put it away. Let me clarify, put it in the correct drawer. Don’t put your son’s underwear in your wife’s drawer.

16. Load the dishwasher, and then empty the dishwasher without being asked. I bet she drops to her knees later that evening.

17. Text her a sweet message during the day. Something like, “Babe, I can’t wait to get home and do a load of whites.” 

18. Take the kids……ANYWHERE. For an extended period of time. 

19. Bring her chocolate…….ANYTHING.

20. Bring her wine……..ANY KIND.

So as you can see, it is pretty simple to become a superhero. Your spouse will most definitely think that you can leap tall buildings in a single bound if you follow these 20 tips. They will call you the man of steel, or whatever ridiculous name you want them to scream while in the bedroom. These 20 tips are proven panty dropper’s, so get started today.

*This message is endorsed and sponsored by every woman on the planet

 

Pantyliners, Aisle 7

by ⋅ 4 Comments
photo

I normally do all of the shopping for our household. This past weekend was Mother’s Day so I asked my husband if he would go to the store to pick up a few things. Around noon, I sent him to the store for a total of 5 items. One of the items on the list was pantyliners. After giving birth to three children, I need the type of protection that said pantyliner provides. It is not a fun topic to discuss, but it is my lot in life to pee when I sneeze, laugh, jump, trip, fall, high-five, the list goes on and on. 

I was very specific with the type of pantyliner and brand that I wanted him to buy. I am a creature of habit, so I like to purchase the same product when I get great results. Pantyliners are a product that need to work…EVERY. TIME. My husband sent me a text, stating that he could not find the brand that I wanted. I told him where they were located in the store, and asked him to ask someone if he couldn’t find them. I knew that when I told him to ask someone, that he wouldn’t. My guess is that he figured if he asked an associate they would naturally assume that the pantyliners were for him. I mean what other logical thought would the associate have. A man in the feminine hygiene aisle, he must be shopping for his own personal use.

10 minutes later, he texted back stating that they really don’t have them and he sent me a picture of the brands that they did have. I looked over the selection and asked him to pick up the box of Always brand pantyliners and check to see if they were un-scented. He spent another five minutes reading the box. My guess is that he ran from the feminine care aisle and attempted to hide in the corner of the store. We have been married for over 12 years. He has watched me give birth three times, and yet he is embarrassed to buy a feminine care product. He finally texted me back stating that he didn’t think they were scented. Below is our short and sweet text conversation:

photo (24)

 

 

I couldn’t help but have a little fun with my husband. I mean seriously, it is not that big a deal. I wasn’t asking him to go up to a woman in the aisle and ask her for a detailed personal review on the pantyliner. I just wanted him to get the right one.  He apparently didn’t think my joke was funny. I still laugh when I see the picture that I took of our text conversation. Life is too short to be embarrassed over pantyliners and personal hygiene products. I can safely say that I wouldn’t have a problem going to the store to buy him jock itch cream. He did come home with a pack of pantyliners, so it was a successful venture. I am safe to sneeze, thanks to my husband.

My Mother’s Day Wish

by ⋅ Leave a Comment
toddlers-problems

funny-mothers-day-messages-2

I don’t want flowers.

Please don’t buy me a gift.

What do I want this year, several hours of quiet bliss.

 

Don’t knock on my door.

Don’t utter my name.

If a problem arises, call Daddy, he’s game.

 

I want to shower in silence.

I want to take a long nap.

I don’t want to see your fingers under the door while taking a crap.

 

Don’t tell me you’re hungry.

Don’t whimper or whine.

It’s Mother’s day rug rats, pass the wine while I dine.

 

The kitchen is closed.

No cooking today.

But I do want to binge watch episodes of Grey’s.

 

No cleaning or laundry.

No dishes will I do.

You crayon gobblers’ better think twice before throwing a coup.

 

I want to relax and read a book.

Eat a meal without sharing.

I’m sorry if this seems a bit uncaring.

 

Daddy, this goes for you too.

So tonight at bedtime…

I’ll take a pass on the screw.

 

I want to fall asleep untouched.

Please, no orifice invasion.

No groping or humping, I’m immune to persuasion.

 

Mommy needs a break.

But please don’t be sad.

The sperm donor’s here, you call him Dad.

An Open Letter to Taylor Swift

by ⋅ 1 Comment

Let me begin by saying that I do in fact understand that I am a 34-year-old mother of 3. I am also a huge Taylor Swift fan. I have several friends who have given me grief for being such a “Swifty,” but I simply do not care. Here is my open letter to Taylor Swift, explaining why I am head over heels in love with her.

Dear Taylor Swift,

You are adorable. Sometimes I pretend to be your beautiful, fancy older sister who gets to jet set with you all over the globe. You are remarkable. I am in awe of your song writing talents and ability to engineer social media. You are undoubtedly a genius. I am impressed with your musical talents, but also your business and marketing skills. You have become a very accomplished individual at a very young age. Being a mother, I am grateful to you as an artist and competent role model. My children all adore your music and I am happy that they can listen to it. Your music videos are all safe for their eyes, and you have given back to the community that has supported you over and over again.

tswift

It seems like critics are always waiting for the other shoe to drop with you. They are waiting for you to “Lose it” or get photographed doing illegal or immoral things. To them I say, “Haters gonna hate,” to you I say, “Shake it Off.” You are a smart business woman, who I am thrilled to have my daughter look up to. You have found a way to make a huge impact while remaining grounded and sane. I applaud your efforts and I wish you the best. I know you will continue to succeed going quintuple platinum on your next three albums. I hope you are happy and find satisfaction with your craft.

I find your music infectious and I can never sit still when listening to your sick beats. I find myself mopping the floors to your energetic tunes. Your lyrics send a message of hope and inspiration, as well as power to know it is safe to be yourself. You have cornered the market on threenagers, teenagers, and thirty-somethings. I look forward to your 1989 tour, and I will see you in October.

Sincerely,

Crazy Mother of 3 Super Fan

P.S. My husband also loves you and uses the 1989 album as his workout mix 😉

 

 

Sunshine

www.thatsinappropriate.net

 

7 Things Married Me, Would Share With Newlywed Me

by ⋅ 13 Comments

photo 2 (1)photo 1

I have learned a lot of lessons over the past 12 years. If I could go back and give newlywed me a few tips on surviving marriage, it would look a little something like this.

  1. Fairy Tales do not exist: Life happens and the best way to deal with that is by going with the flow. Resisting the current will cause a lot of stress and arguments. We all watch movies like the Notebook and Dirty Dancing, and think, “I want that kind of super sexy passionate relationship.” Sure, it looks pretty hot, heavy, and magical, but that is not reality. I bet if Dirty Dancing had a sequel, Johnny would come home without the milk at some point and we would really see how passionate Baby would become. “Johnny, are you serious? What are the kids going to put on their cereal in the morning? I asked for one freaking thing!”
  2. Let him go….anywhere he wants: For the first few years of our marriage, I nagged my husband to keep him close. I was always so upset that he would want to go away and be separated from me. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me every second of the day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I truly believe that. Since having children, I am happy to have my husband go out and play golf, or do anything his little heart pleases. The only rule is that he takes at least one kids when he goes. He needs time away from me and I need time away from him. We both need time away from the kids. It is necessary for survival. I recommend some separation if you want to remain married, it makes sense I swear.
  3. He is not going to change: I spent years complaining that my husband doesn’t clean toilets, or help with the household chores. I would actually ask him, “Why don’t you want to help me clean the house?” I can’t help but laugh out loud thinking about it. I don’t want to clean the house, why would he want to clean the house. We dated for a long time prior to marrying, and he was a slob then, why would he morph into a tidy companion. It was an unrealistic notion that drove me crazy. To this day I have never seen him scrub a toilet. I am positive that the Apocalypse will occur if he were to ever pick up a toilet brush.
  4. Romance IS OVERRATED: Wine me, dine me, …..You know the rest. Being romantic is not for everyone. I love to see it on the big screen, but it is not something that comes naturally to my husband. I use to beg him for romantic gestures, but that is like asking a musician to perform surgery. We all have talents and strengths, and it is unfair to demand a talent that someone does not possess. Everyday does not need to be a page out of a romance novel, that is not real life. The nights that he gets up and does the dishes without me prompting him are the sexiest gestures ever. Watch out Mr. Grey, my husband scrubbed a pot!!! SO Freaking HOT!
  5. Saying “I love you” is not enough: To show someone you love them, use actions not words. I am not the biggest fan of serious conversations, or talking about my feelings. I like to use actions to speak for how I feel. My husband knows I love him because I cook, clean, iron his dress shirts, pack his lunch, and buy his favorite toilet paper. Nothing says I love you like a clean, freshly wiped backside.
  6. Don’t argue over where to go for dinner: Don’t spend 45 minutes discussing where to go for dinner. Be happy you don’t have to cook and if you want something specific, ask. He can not read your mind. I promise. We went out last week and I wanted steak. I said, “Take me for steak.” His reply, “Outback it is.” It was quick and easy, up until the point where my three kids terrorized the restaurant and one violated the bathroom.
  7. Making Love is made up: Sex is a big part of marriage, but making love doesn’t look like a Hollywood movie scene . There will not be candles, music, or mood lighting every time the horizontal mambo will occur. Sometime you just need to do it because he asked. Sometime you need to do it because the kids are all asleep for the first time in a week. Sometimes you will just need to lock the bathroom door and do it while the kids knock and ask “why you are both showering at the same time?” I like the excuse about conserving water the best. We all need to do our part to save Mother Earth.

So if I could go back and tell that bright-eyed, young bride these 7 things, the first few years of marriage may have looked a bit different. At least now I know how to pick my battles. Marriage is a marathon, so buy comfortable under-ware that don’t get easily bunched and hold on for one wild ride.

DIY -Y -Baby New Lyrics to a Classic Tune

by ⋅ Leave a Comment

colourhammer

The past year of my life has been consumed with DIY projects and improvements on our home. It has been rewarding and also eye opening. I never would have guessed that I would want to spend so much money on a home, making it my own. This morning as I was making coffee in my bathroom for the 10th day in a row, the tune to “Ice Ice Baby” was jamming in my head. The lyrics were a bit different. Check them out.

“DIY-Y-Baby”

Yo, Home Reno, let’s kick it!

DIY-Y-Baby, DIY-Y-Baby

All right stop, put down that hammer and listen

DIY is back with a brand new addition

Projects, grab a hold of me tightly

Working like a dog, daily and nightly

Will it ever stop? Yo, I don’t know

Turn on the lights, damn there’s no glow!

To the extreme I rock a tool belt like a mad-man

Picking paint colors and formulating a sweet plan

Sandpaper, go slow go with the grain

I’m dropping knowledge on you with my home-reno super brain

Deadly, watch the saw blades carefully

Do it yourself and you’ll save on carpentry

Love it or list it, that show don’t play

I get sweet ideas, but my husbands gotta pay

If there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it

Check out this book, its got a ton of cool projects

DIY-Y-Baby, DIY-Y-Baby

DIY-Y-Baby, DIY-Y-Baby

Now that this project is jumping

Got my coffee brewing, pumpin in the bathroom

Want toast? Plug it in, in the living-room

Kitchen’s closed fool, off limits please don’t assume

Check your paint cans, I detect some bad fumes

I go crazy when I hear the power tools

And a nail gun, with a souped up big boom

I’m on a roll, it’s time to go to Home Depot

Rollin’ in my minivan

With the trunk propped, so the lumber don’t jam

The cashier on standby, waving “Do you need a tie?”

Did I stop? No, I just drove by

Cautiously, super slow to the next stop

I busted a left still need oil for the butcherblock

Sadly, Bed Bath and Beyond was closed

So I continued to 41, snowbird avenue

DIY-Y-Baby, Projects making me crazy

DIY-Y-Baby, Projects making me crazy

If there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it

Check out this book, its got a ton of cool projects

So if you love DIY and are brave enough to try, God bless and good luck. I am just about at the end of my rope. My only saving grace was this tune in my head this morning as I brewed a pot of bathroom coffee, know around here as “A cup of John.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can Your Vagina Play The Flute?

by ⋅ Leave a Comment

barbie and ken

 

 
Are you friends with any couples on Facebook that feel it necessary to show the world how much they love each other?  Constantly sending each other love letters for the world to read.  Well, my husband and I are friends with THOSE people. Let’s call them Barbie and Ken. Barbie and Ken can make you feel inadequate about your relationship in a mere nanosecond.

 
We first met Barbie and Ken about 7 years ago. When I first encountered Barbie I was amazed and astonished by her tale. She was a single mother of three who met a man who fell desperately in love with her.  They soon married and had two beautiful children of their own; increasing their family size to seven, yes I said SEVEN.

 

I slowly learned the details of their relationship and was dumbfounded. I asked one day, “What did you cook for dinner last night?” Her reply, “My husband made spaghetti.” I quickly questioned, “Ken cooks?”  I proceeded to ask, “Has he always cooked?” Her reply, “Yes, he cooks, cleans, grocery shops, and drops the kids off in the mornings.” My mind was racing. What the hell was this woman saying? Her husband cooks meals, cleans toilets and showers, and handles the kids. How can this be happening? There are men on this planet that know what a toilet brush is for? There are men with brains in their heads that sit on their shoulders and not just in the crotch of their pants? No, it isn’t true. It can’t be.

 

 
Where did this man learn to buy more than beer and toilet paper from the grocery store?  How can this be true? He must be a genetic mutation of sorts. My husband would sit in a pile of shit swarming with flies if I would allow it. What on earth could this woman possibly be doing to get her husband to do these things? My disbelief was unnerving, dare I say alarming.

 

 
She continued to captivate me with stories of the daily tasks that he performs. The final straw broke when she informed me that he coupon-ed! Holy hell, the man clips coupons! It was at that point that the light went on; as though I had been seeing only in black and white for my entire life. Barbie must be some type of sexual savant. Her vagina must be MAGICAL. Perhaps it plays the flute. Her vagina must beckon him like a siren, singing sweet musical notes that fascinate him and force him to coupon until his fingers bleed.

 

 

What other possible explanations could there be. Her vagina, I thought, must be like looking directly into the sun. Glowing and bursting until you can bear no more. When she lays in wait for him and slowly opens her thighs, does her vagina release a tractor beam pulling him in like the Star Ship Enterprise?  Beaming him up into inter-galactic ecstasy?

 

I must know how she became the Pied Piper of Pudenda (AKA Private Parts).  Did she take lessons? Was her mother a Madam? Was she secretly a stripper that worked her way through college? I sat there at a loss for words. I didn’t even know how to finish the conversation. I was enamored with Barbie.

 

I myself do all of the cooking, cleaning, and scrubbing of the shit stained toilets,  I even mow the fucking lawn. I sat there sadly thinking the only thought I could. My vagina must be BROKEN. There are no musical notes making their way out of my barren hole. I am the opposite of a musician. I am the equivalent of the worst cast off in American Idol history. My poor husband has suffered through years of tone-deaf intercourse. This is obviously why my husband refuses to help out around the house. I have blamed him for years, when in reality it is my damaged, crippled Va-Jay Jay.

 
It is now my life’s goal to teach my vagina to play the magical flute. At some point I will rule over my husband and watch while he washes shit stained underware and scrubs burnt pots and pans. I will have my revenge. I will become a concert flautist! My vagina will reign supreme.