Kids Archives - That's Inappropriate

18May 2015

5 Signs You Are a Flawed Friend

This past weekend I was sitting with friends, relaxing and enjoying a mid-day buzz. We were chatting about “Pet Peeves” our friends do that drive us crazy, and in the middle of the conversation I had an Oprah ” Ah-ha” moment. I am that flawed friend. I hadn’t always been that way, but I am at the point in my life where I can only retain so much information, and complete so many tasks on a daily basis. My flawed friendship status was never intentional, but the fact remains….. I am a flawed friend.

I had no idea how much I sucked until I took a look around my house and realized that I still have a ton of stuff that I “borrowed” and never returned. I am always asking for favors, and most of the time I am late to anything I am invited to. I sat searching my brain for redeeming qualities and found I was as empty as my Sangria glass. However, I do have a swimming pool and a liquor cabinet, So I have that going for me. At least my shallow friends will still visit, it is summer time.

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I was envisioning being inducted into the Friendship Hall of Shame in my mind. I could see friends from the past, present, and future all giving speeches as to why I was the absolute worst friend ever.

Now that I have accepted my flawed friend status, I have decided to help others by writing about it. You too may also be a terrible friend, and not realize it. So here are the top 5 reasons that I am a sucky friend. Check the list and see if you too will be inducted into the Friendship Hall of Shame.

1. Always Late: I am constantly late. I always blame my children for my tardiness, but most of the time it is my fault. I am a habitual offender of losing track of time. I will start a task and get distracted, start another task, and then realize I was supposed to be at Starbucks to meet someone 15 minutes ago. Sometimes I will set a reminder, only to forget what the reminder was for. Then I sit and ask my dog what I am late for. It’s an exhausting process.

2. Finders Keepers: I borrow things from friends all the time. I currently have a coffee grinder and Laptop that has been in my possession for about six months. I called my bestie to ask him if he needed the coffee grinder back and he laughed, “Oh Sweetie, I bought another one a few months ago.” I was so embarrassed. I had basically confiscated several household items from my friends and never took the time to shop for my own item, or return their item. What a Schmuck!

3. Forgetful: I try to write down, or schedule every aspect of my life. I can’t seem to remember important dates such as birthdays and anniversaries. I always miss my families and friend special days. I am not sure if it’s because I am not a big fans of holidays, or it’s simply because I have the emotional IQ of a rock. Either way, I never send cards, and I always end up looking like a complete Asshat. Once again, never intentional, but shameful just the same.

4. Non-Consoler: I am the WORST at consoling my friends. Any time they have an issue that brings them to tears, I turn straight to an awkward untimely joke. I become very uncomfortable with emotions and crying. I begin to sweat and make jokes about bodily functions or male genitalia. I am not even sure that I know how to properly hug someone. I never know if I am supposed to go in first, or wait and see. It is a nightmare.

5. Notorious Bad Movie Selector: I love to watch movies with friends. It seems that my movie choices aren’t as renowned as Siskel and Ebert review choices. I recently forced my friends into viewing the first two Sharknado movies. The summer of 2015 will be no different. I have full intentions of a viewing party for the third movie Sharknado 3; Oh Hell No, coming in July. I am really a bad friend if I am trying to share cinematic genius with them? The movies were brilliant!

So to all my friends, I apologize. Please know that I have deep feelings of like for you, and I would do anything for you. I would even give you the shirt off of my back, but most likely it was yours to begin with. Please accept me as I am, and I will do my best to uncomfortably sit with you in your time of need.

08Apr 2015

Help! My Kid Is A Goat.

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

I am constantly amazed at the things my kids say and do, as well as how they act whether in public or at home. I was having coffee with some friends the other morning and as we sat at the kitchen table I felt as though I was surrounded by a herd of goats. The kids were loud, eating everything in sight, climbing on the couch, and downright obnoxious. It was like being trapped in a barn yard with no way to escape. I came to the startling realization that my kids are goats!

Baby goats are called kids: Seriously, how funny is that. Female goats are called “Nannies”, this is becoming a bit weird, so I guess I am the “nanny” and it is my job to watch all of the “kids.” Touche’ animal kingdom, touche’.
Browsing Animals: People often think that goats will eat anything. Goats are known as browsing animals because they will put just about anything in their mouths, as to identify if the object is edible. Does that sound familiar? Just last week I had to ask my 4 yr old to spit out a crayon, car, bottle top, shoe lace, and a toy truck. Hummmmmm. I am beginning to see a pattern here.
Curious and Intelligent Creatures: Goats are known to be one of the most intelligent of the barn yard brethren. They are resourceful creatures, much like my three “kids.” My youngest son sat behind the couch the other day waiting for his sister to get up from the table to use the restroom. As soon as she was out of sight, he ran to her plate, ate her remaining food and drank her drink. She returned to an empty plate and looked at me with a puzzled expression. Sneaky little goat.
Climbers: To look at a goat, one would not picture an animal that can climb high mountains, and even trees, but goats are fantastic climbers. A few months back I found my 6 yr old on top of the refrigerator. What on earth was she doing there, looking for confiscated items of course. I assumed that since they couldn’t reach the top of the fridge it was a safe place to hide said item, but I was wrong.
Escape Artists: Houdini’s in a herd, goats are known to be very difficult animals to pen. They have an uncanny ability to find weaknesses in fencing and then exploit that weakness and escape. My kids are also mini Houdini’s, they have the ability to instantly make my patience disappear. Every night I put them to bed and they are able to find their way into the kitchen 57 times for water, a hug, one last kiss, and eventually a flip-flop beating. There is no way to contain them, legally that is.
Screamers: Goats are known to be very loud animals. The noise they make has been equated to a child scream. My kids have no idea what an “inside voice” is, or why screaming is so bothersome. They will scream from sunrise to sunset, and I have had them all tested for hearing deficits.
Nagging Creatures: While doing serious research on this piece I read about a farmer who would crawl to the bathroom in the morning on his hands and knees, because if the goats saw him they would cry and nag him until he came out to see them. My kids try daily to nag me to death. “What time is dinner? Where are my shoes? Why do I have to clean my room? Are you going to get out of bed and feed us? Why do you want to run away?” Nag, nag, nag, all day long with the questions. Ignoring them has yet to work.

I had no idea that I would grow up to be the nanny goat. I am not a fan of barns, or barn yard animals, but I guess I will keep my herd and carry on. I will continue to Shepard the hell out of this job until my goats are all grown.

Sunshine

thatsinappropriate.net

03Apr 2015

7 Things Married Me, Would Share With Newlywed Me

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 13 Comments

I have learned a lot of lessons over the past 12 years. If I could go back and give newlywed me a few tips on surviving marriage, it would look a little something like this.

Fairy Tales do not exist: Life happens and the best way to deal with that is by going with the flow. Resisting the current will cause a lot of stress and arguments. We all watch movies like the Notebook and Dirty Dancing, and think, “I want that kind of super sexy passionate relationship.” Sure, it looks pretty hot, heavy, and magical, but that is not reality. I bet if Dirty Dancing had a sequel, Johnny would come home without the milk at some point and we would really see how passionate Baby would become. “Johnny, are you serious? What are the kids going to put on their cereal in the morning? I asked for one freaking thing!”
Let him go….anywhere he wants: For the first few years of our marriage, I nagged my husband to keep him close. I was always so upset that he would want to go away and be separated from me. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me every second of the day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I truly believe that. Since having children, I am happy to have my husband go out and play golf, or do anything his little heart pleases. The only rule is that he takes at least one kids when he goes. He needs time away from me and I need time away from him. We both need time away from the kids. It is necessary for survival. I recommend some separation if you want to remain married, it makes sense I swear.
He is not going to change: I spent years complaining that my husband doesn’t clean toilets, or help with the household chores. I would actually ask him, “Why don’t you want to help me clean the house?” I can’t help but laugh out loud thinking about it. I don’t want to clean the house, why would he want to clean the house. We dated for a long time prior to marrying, and he was a slob then, why would he morph into a tidy companion. It was an unrealistic notion that drove me crazy. To this day I have never seen him scrub a toilet. I am positive that the Apocalypse will occur if he were to ever pick up a toilet brush.
Romance IS OVERRATED: Wine me, dine me, …..You know the rest. Being romantic is not for everyone. I love to see it on the big screen, but it is not something that comes naturally to my husband. I use to beg him for romantic gestures, but that is like asking a musician to perform surgery. We all have talents and strengths, and it is unfair to demand a talent that someone does not possess. Everyday does not need to be a page out of a romance novel, that is not real life. The nights that he gets up and does the dishes without me prompting him are the sexiest gestures ever. Watch out Mr. Grey, my husband scrubbed a pot!!! SO Freaking HOT!
Saying “I love you” is not enough: To show someone you love them, use actions not words. I am not the biggest fan of serious conversations, or talking about my feelings. I like to use actions to speak for how I feel. My husband knows I love him because I cook, clean, iron his dress shirts, pack his lunch, and buy his favorite toilet paper. Nothing says I love you like a clean, freshly wiped backside.
Don’t argue over where to go for dinner: Don’t spend 45 minutes discussing where to go for dinner. Be happy you don’t have to cook and if you want something specific, ask. He can not read your mind. I promise. We went out last week and I wanted steak. I said, “Take me for steak.” His reply, “Outback it is.” It was quick and easy, up until the point where my three kids terrorized the restaurant and one violated the bathroom.
Making Love is made up: Sex is a big part of marriage, but making love doesn’t look like a Hollywood movie scene . There will not be candles, music, or mood lighting every time the horizontal mambo will occur. Sometime you just need to do it because he asked. Sometime you need to do it because the kids are all asleep for the first time in a week. Sometimes you will just need to lock the bathroom door and do it while the kids knock and ask “why you are both showering at the same time?” I like the excuse about conserving water the best. We all need to do our part to save Mother Earth.

So if I could go back and tell that bright-eyed, young bride these 7 things, the first few years of marriage may have looked a bit different. At least now I know how to pick my battles. Marriage is a marathon, so buy comfortable under-ware that don’t get easily bunched and hold on for one wild ride.

30Mar 2015

5 Ways To De-Stress your Daily Household Routine

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

I am a type A person with a primal need for completion. I find routines to be soothing and peaceful, but one thing always gets me….the house work never ends. The laundry, the dishes, the floors, they always need attention. I have tried and tried to find ways to feel like I am one step ahead, but that one step always ends with me in some type of bodily fluid, or dog excrement. With that in mind, I have created a list of 5 ways to De-stress your daily Household routine.

1. Wear Fuzzy Socks: I live in Florida so most of the time it is flip-flop weather. However, when I am in my house I wear fuzzy socks. Why would I do that you ask, its simple. I spray my fuzzy socks with some Mr. Clean and I skate mop the floors during the day. It is a great work out and it gets those unsightly blemishes up off the floor in a flash.

2. Window Decals: Have you ever used those cute holiday inspired window decals? They have them for every holiday and seasonal theme. If you keep them up all year-long, you can’t see how dirty the windows are. I have also found that if I do venture out and clean the sliding doors, people run into them, which is most definitely a hazard. So keep your Easter bunny decals up until the 4th of July and then go crazy with Halloween. Pumpkins for everyone

3. Crock Pot-it: The best kitchen invention ever is the crock pot. I will crock pot cook anything. Want chicken for dinner, DONE! Want a roast, DONE! Want a cake, DONE! There is a recipe for pretty much anything you can think of. I would have never guessed that owing a crock pot would be a highlight in my life, but I am one proud crock potting Momma.

4. Toy Bin Organization: I love to have everything in its place. I have several pieces of furniture from IKEA that house various sized bins to organize the kids toys. Each bin is used to house a different type of toy. One bin for hot wheels, one for action figures, one for toy food and kitchen play items, you get the picture. That beautiful site lasted about 30 seconds. The first time I asked the kids to pick up the play room they put all of toys away in the wrong bins. I was horrified, until I realized that there were in fact no toys on the floor and the room was cleaned up. So I have learned to let it slide. There may be a piece of three-week old pizza in a bin, but one of the kids will wise up at some point and eat it.

5. Bathroom hack: Now that all three of my kids shower on their own, I have designated that they will be the ones to clean the bathroom. How do I get them to do that you ask? It’s simple, I send them in with one bottle of 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner and a bottle of body wash and I tell them to go crazy. “Wash your body and hair first, then clean the walls, floor, and door.” I am not really concerned that they are cleaning the shower with body wash, they would be dumping it down the drain if I didn’t give them specific instructions, so at least it is going to good use. Next they get out of the shower and mop the floor up with their towels. They always forget to shut the door or the curtain all the way, so there is ample water on the floor. Once they use the towel to mop it up we have a nice shiny bathroom floor.

So in the end, I have learned to live with the daily grind of household chores and relaxed a bit on the ideal outcome. We live in our house, it is not a model home, it will not be perfect. If I want the house to be perfectly clean and smelling fresh, I will have to find someplace to send my three kids and husband. So I have decided to keep the lived in-house and stress less about the “lived in” look.

Sunshine

thatsinappropriate.net

@thatsinapropro

03Mar 2015

7 Similarities Between Kids and College Spring Breakers

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

I was once a spring-breaker. A crazy college coed who lived on the beach for a week and loved every minute of it. I am currently in spring break hell as a 34-year-old mother of three, who works from home, and has been invaded by three children who have no place to go for the next 14 days. It dawned on me this morning that my three children have a lot in common with college students on spring break. Take a look a 7 ways kids are similar to college spring break assholes.

1. Loud and Obnoxious: We were out at Denny’s having breakfast when a group of ten college kids stormed through the doors. They were loud, annoying, and made the waitresses life a living hell. They were breaking the crayons and throwing them across the restaurant, blowing spit balls through their straws, and kept getting up to go to the bathroom. Does any of this sound familiar? Seriously, any of this? I am positive that every time we go out to eat with our kids, the waitress must wonder what she has done in her life, to deserve this. Food all over the place, crayons and papers on the floor, silverware stuck in the booth. Complete nightmare.

2. Gross Behavior: Spring breakers are notorious for getting drunk and peeing outside of bars and in the street. Just last week I was rushing to take one of my kids to the doctors and he had to go to the bathroom. He jumped out of the minivan and peed in a concrete planter in the parking lot. He was holding his “business” with one hand and waving at passing cars with the other. I guess peeing in a parking lot at 4 yrs old is more acceptable than at 21 yrs. old. Still, pretty gross if you ask me. Odd are good that some one is pissing on a shoe.

3. Inability To Make Good Choices: Something magical happens in the month of March. Super smart Deans list college students turn into drunken animals that run though the streets with not a care in the world. They tend to make some not-so-great choices. Bar hopping and double fist-ING shots can cause you to wake up with your head in a toilet, and vomit on your shoes. My children also lack the ability to make good choices. We are on day 2 of spring break and number 3 has already spent 2 hours in “lock-up” for trying to ninja kick his sister, among other household violations. My favorite is when he screams “I’m ready to be a human being” from his room and asks, “Can I come out now? I swear I will be a human being.” Filthy liar.

4. Always Naked: If you want to see some skin….travel to any of the spring break hot spots this season. College kids are notorious for running around naked at the beach, the hotel pool, or even in the streets, after a night of drinking. My kids also have this affliction. They are always naked. I am constantly screaming, “Put on some freaking pants, we have company.” Why must I instruct my children to wear clothing. We do not live in a nudist colony, therefore clothing is not an option, that also goes for under-ware. I literally have to do an under-ware check in the mornings before school. Every.Freaking.Day.

5. Out of Cash: I remember sitting at a table getting ready to go out with a group of friend during spring break and placing all of our cash on the table. $27 between 8 people. We spent the rest of the evening “Borrowing” money that we had no intention of paying back, so we could drink until the sun came up. My children are always asking to borrow money, swearing that “If you buy me this, I will pay you back when we get home. I have money in my piggy bank.” So cute, and yet so disillusion. They have spent that “Piggy bank” money 87 times already, and since you can’t read, all of those birthday cards filled with cash, are deposited into Mommy’s account. Sorry sucka! Get a job and learn to read.

6. Excited by Coins: Last week I asked my youngest to clean up the toy room. He asked what he could have if he completed the chore. I lifted up a shiny quarter and his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. He ran in and picked everything up. He held onto that quarter like Gollum held onto his “Precious” ring. College spring-breakers know the value of coins as well. You might see a spring breaker digging through the seats of their car, to find enough change for a soft taco at Taco Bell.

7. Sleep Not Required: Children and Spring-Breakers can both go exceptionally long periods of time without sleep. College students and children are gifted with the ability to fight sleep and survive. Spring-breaker use alcohol to sustain their energy levels, my kids could probably go at least 48 on pure Adrenalin, cheese-its, and a Netflix marathon of the Disney Channel.

So in conclusion, my children seem to suffer from spring-breakitis all year-long. They are gross, broke, naked, and always making bad choices.

Sunshine

www.thatsinappropriate.net

10Feb 2015

Welcome To Time Out

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

“Welcome To Time Out”

Mom Version of Taylor Swifts “Welcome to New York”

I find that I sing this tune very frequently in my home. Please feel free to sing along while you send your sweet child to time-out.

Welcome to your room, Mom slams the door

Crying, flailing limbs, tears and so much more

Everybody listens as you scream and roar

Searching for a wooden spoon, Mom counts to four

And she says

Welcome to Time-Out

Its been waiting for you

Welcome to Time-Out

You’re stuck now child

Feel free to cry and stomp your feet, feet

Ten minutes more

Cuz I can’t stand your shreeeeeeek, shreeeeeek

Welcome to Time-Out

Its been waiting for you

Welcome to Time-Out

When you first threw your cup and bowl on the floor

Took your spoon and fork, ran and slammed the door

Everybody here knows you’ve been before

Because you want what you want

Boy oh boy bad choice and more

Welcome to Time-Out

Its been waiting for you

Welcome to Time-Out

You’re stuck now child

Feel free to cry and stomp your feet, feet

Ten minutes more

Cuz I can’t stand your shreeeeeeek, shreeeeeek

It doesn’t matter if you can carry a tune or not. Sing loud and proud!!

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

06Feb 2015

What’s Your Mileage?

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

I like my minivan. It is practical, safe, and drives like a dream. It fits the whole family very comfortably. I never thought I could be so content with a minivan. What’s my point? I know at some time in the near future, maybe 3-4 years, I will get rid of my van. It will hit 100,000 miles and I will trade it in for a newer version. So once again, what’s my point? Cars, homes, appliances, and people all have a shelf life. My minivan will get kicked to the curb when that odometer hits 6 digits. So the question at hand is, what is my odometer reading, and will I get traded in?

As a woman in her mid-thirties, with a body that has been destroyed by child-birth three times, I think about being traded in. I’m not blind. I can see the newer, shiny versions that travel the block. Perky breasts, tight asses, and hair that is free of boogers and spit up. I myself admire those versions, I remember being that version. I am also aware of the fact that each year, gravity is more and more vengeful and there isn’t much I can do about it.

With my minivan there is no guessing. I can see the odometer each day. There are no surprises. It is clear and precise. 60,342 miles have been accrued. How many miles have I accrued? If you judge it by the dark circles under my eyes, or the pains in my knees and back, my mileage is pretty substantial for a mid-thirties model. I do my best to exercise and eat well, but the three blood sucking vampires that I live with make it difficult to look like the twenty something model that is dent free with still inflated tires.

When I go to the dealership to trade in my minivan it will not be a shock. I will be ready for the trade. I will do research on my next vehicle; I will be able to prepare myself mentally. I guess my real fear is that since I can’t see my odometer reading, will I be shocked if I get traded in? Will I be blindsided and feel like those poor crash test dummies, all mangled and broken?

The thought of having to start the dating process all over again is daunting. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be single again. When you go car shopping, you can ask for an accident report or a Car Fax. I guess that’s what dating is like after marriage. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you. How many kids do you have? Any major accidents or surgeries I should know about? Do you have a good health insurance plan? How about your 401K? Is your Mother still alive?” Yikes!!! Check please.

So in the end, will the odometer reading determine if I get traded in, or will it only increase my value and cause me to become a classic? There is the possibility that my husband will love the vintage look and keep me around for the long haul. Men have odometer as well, so I guess I could consider a trade. It’s a good thing for him that I hate car shopping. I wonder what the Car Fax on a thirty something, bald father of three looks like? My guess is it’s a comparative value to a 60,324 mile Minivan Mom.

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

30Jan 2015

#Mommitment

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 6 Comments

Taking care of other people as though your life depends on it….That is the commitment that we all make to our kids. Some moms make that commitment by being the crafty, hair did, stylish, got their shit together moms. Others rock the hell out of the yoga pants, snot covered t-shirts, crock pot meals, and consistent tardiness to dance class. Either way, we put our children first so that they can enjoy the things in life they dream about. We all do it out of an undying love; turned on like a light switch one day, that can never be flipped off. The fact that we as mothers would wish to judge and throw shame at one another makes me sad. We are all trying to do the same thing – raise humans.

My pledge is very simple. I vow to cast no “Mom” judgment. Moms are people, and people make decisions and choices. I may not agree with the choices or understand them, but I can still be kind, tolerant, loving, and gracious. I can listen when the days are long, and the laundry never ends. I can listen to rants and sympathize, because I was once in that exact same spot.

I pledge not to make snarky comments in my head when that crafty, Pinterest Mom brings in homemade cupcakes with hand-carved candy statues on top. I will try to just sit back and think about the time she took to make such a beautiful gesture for her child. I will write about my life and struggles so that you can know that we are all going through a very similar journey. I will try my best to make you laugh.

We are all trying to raise future teachers, lawyers, congressmen, small business owners, NBA stars, and (against all odds) astronauts. So, I will stand alongside you, I will not pick up a stone. Being a mom is hard enough; there is no need to endure a meteor shower.

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

27Jan 2015

What Did You Say?

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

whatdidyousay

Have you ever been out with friends and seen the “What did you say to me” head turn? It’s that moment when as a parent you heard exactly what the child said, but you can’t actually process that they said it. I have noticed that my children tend to say a lot of things and sometimes I am unsure of what the exact meaning is. Therefore, I have complied a list of terms and what they really mean. Please read below and save for your records in case you end up in the middle of a conversation with a crazy-ass child that seems to be babbling Yiddish.

Terms and their meanings:

I didn’t do it.: This means that the child did in fact do it, but they believe that you did not see them do it. They will defend their innocence to the death. You can show them streaming footage of the event in question and they will most likely still claim that they had no part in said activity. I myself have confronted my child with concrete evidence that they did in fact break a lamp, and yet she stood firm and tall, lying straight through her pearly white teeth.

Dad said I could.: This gem states that the child waited until “Dad” was on the couch napping to ask if they could get the glue, glitter, scissors, and yarn down from the craft bin to style the dogs hair. They obviously had permission from their father to complete the DIY project, so what is the actual problem? The dog seems satisfied and now you don’t have to take it to the groomers.

Why is your belly still fat?: Clear and to the point, this child is stating that you had that last baby over four years ago and it is time to get real and figure your shit out. On a side note, you have permission to slap the kid when they imply that you are pregnant when they damn well know you are not, however make sure it is your kid and not your kid’s friend.

You can’t make me!: This feisty child is challenging you to a duel of sorts. They are testing you to see if you will in fact, make them do whatever it is that you want them to do. They will wait you out, so be cautious and know your time restraints before going to battle. I have sat with my kid for over 2 hours at the dinner table over a few green beans, and I don’t have a DVR so I missed American Idol. Shit got real after that.

NO!: Silly, silly little one. This response is pretty specific. This child is asking, no dare I say demanding a series of spanking, time-outs, and other activities that follow when you tell your Mom no. My children are well aware of my specific sharp, head turn to the left. The daggers that shoot from my eyes like Indiana Jones zooming through the temple of doom. No good will ever come from this response. “No” is a four letter word in my house.

You’re the worst Mom ever!: This child is telling you the exact opposite. If you have gotten them this mad, your most likely the best Mom ever because you stood your ground. This is music to my ears! If they had done their homework and emptied the dishwasher, they could be playing video games right now instead of scooping dog shit up in the front yard.

I promise!: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, believe this one. I have never once seen an actual promise take root in my house. Children are sneaky, shifty, lie-baggers, and they are not to be trusted. They will promise you something in one hand, and take a hot steamy crap in the other. Watch out and be vigilant. My favorite is, “If you read me one more story I will go to bed.” That child must think I was born yesterday. My children do not sleep, they are powered by pure evil. I’m pretty sure if they get a combined 20 minutes of sleep throughout the night, they can stay awake for an uninterrupted 7 days.

So I leave you with a simple yet detailed list of terms that you may come across as you are parenting your little love muffin. I wish you luck in all of your conversations with your children, so you are never left wondering, “What did you say?”

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

26Jan 2015

The “F” Series

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

go the f

This weekend I had many thoughts running through my mind. If you are a parent I can pretty much guarantee that you have also had these very same thoughts. I did not share my thoughts with my children, although if we are being honest, I wanted to. Below are a few of the thoughts that entered my brain.

Why are you still talking?

Are you seriously this annoying?

Do you really think the noodles belong in your hair?

Why do you smell so bad?

What is that all over your face?

When is the last time you brushed your teeth?

Do I have to do everything for you?

Do you train to be this loud and obnoxious?

Why do you hate me?

Will you ever finish all of your food?

Am I positive these kids are mine?

Would they notice if I left?

Why do they hate each other so much?

While getting the kids ready for bed last night I was thinking about the Adam Mansbach book, “Go the F to sleep. If you haven’t read it, I urge you to do so. It is what ever parent deals with almost every night. Each night my kids act as if they have never heard of bed time before. They cock their head to the side and give me that confused look, as if I am speaking in Chinese. So after this weekend I employ Adam Mansbach to write a few more books. Below are some topics I would like him to explore.

Perspective Titles:

Shut the F up kid (Great gift for any child in your life that refuses to shut up. I’m not sure how my kids are alive, they never stop to take a breath .)

Do your F-ing homework (Perfect for the kid who needs to be buckled into the chair at the dining room table or else they will disappear like Houdini.)

Clean your F-ing room (For the child with no organizational skills and more match-box cars on the floor then Toys R Us has in their inventory.)

Hug your F-ing siblings (For the siblings that truly can’t stand each other but at some point need to figure out that they only get one family, so sorry your totally screwed.)

Be F-ing Nice ( For that boy or girl that always has something awful to say. Book included Tabasco Sauce for their filthy mouth.)

Take an F-ing Shower (Sweet and delicate way to tell your children that only farm animals should smell that way.)

Perhaps the “F” series as I will be calling it, will dramatically change my life. It may answer all of my prayers, or at least it will give me a laugh before I try to stick my head in the oven after I attempt to put my kids to bed for the 900^th time that night.

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

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