7 Things Married Me, Would Share With Newlywed Me

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I have learned a lot of lessons over the past 12 years. If I could go back and give newlywed me a few tips on surviving marriage, it would look a little something like this.

  1. Fairy Tales do not exist: Life happens and the best way to deal with that is by going with the flow. Resisting the current will cause a lot of stress and arguments. We all watch movies like the Notebook and Dirty Dancing, and think, “I want that kind of super sexy passionate relationship.” Sure, it looks pretty hot, heavy, and magical, but that is not reality. I bet if Dirty Dancing had a sequel, Johnny would come home without the milk at some point and we would really see how passionate Baby would become. “Johnny, are you serious? What are the kids going to put on their cereal in the morning? I asked for one freaking thing!”
  2. Let him go….anywhere he wants: For the first few years of our marriage, I nagged my husband to keep him close. I was always so upset that he would want to go away and be separated from me. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me every second of the day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I truly believe that. Since having children, I am happy to have my husband go out and play golf, or do anything his little heart pleases. The only rule is that he takes at least one kids when he goes. He needs time away from me and I need time away from him. We both need time away from the kids. It is necessary for survival. I recommend some separation if you want to remain married, it makes sense I swear.
  3. He is not going to change: I spent years complaining that my husband doesn’t clean toilets, or help with the household chores. I would actually ask him, “Why don’t you want to help me clean the house?” I can’t help but laugh out loud thinking about it. I don’t want to clean the house, why would he want to clean the house. We dated for a long time prior to marrying, and he was a slob then, why would he morph into a tidy companion. It was an unrealistic notion that drove me crazy. To this day I have never seen him scrub a toilet. I am positive that the Apocalypse will occur if he were to ever pick up a toilet brush.
  4. Romance IS OVERRATED: Wine me, dine me, …..You know the rest. Being romantic is not for everyone. I love to see it on the big screen, but it is not something that comes naturally to my husband. I use to beg him for romantic gestures, but that is like asking a musician to perform surgery. We all have talents and strengths, and it is unfair to demand a talent that someone does not possess. Everyday does not need to be a page out of a romance novel, that is not real life. The nights that he gets up and does the dishes without me prompting him are the sexiest gestures ever. Watch out Mr. Grey, my husband scrubbed a pot!!! SO Freaking HOT!
  5. Saying “I love you” is not enough: To show someone you love them, use actions not words. I am not the biggest fan of serious conversations, or talking about my feelings. I like to use actions to speak for how I feel. My husband knows I love him because I cook, clean, iron his dress shirts, pack his lunch, and buy his favorite toilet paper. Nothing says I love you like a clean, freshly wiped backside.
  6. Don’t argue over where to go for dinner: Don’t spend 45 minutes discussing where to go for dinner. Be happy you don’t have to cook and if you want something specific, ask. He can not read your mind. I promise. We went out last week and I wanted steak. I said, “Take me for steak.” His reply, “Outback it is.” It was quick and easy, up until the point where my three kids terrorized the restaurant and one violated the bathroom.
  7. Making Love is made up: Sex is a big part of marriage, but making love doesn’t look like a Hollywood movie scene . There will not be candles, music, or mood lighting every time the horizontal mambo will occur. Sometime you just need to do it because he asked. Sometime you need to do it because the kids are all asleep for the first time in a week. Sometimes you will just need to lock the bathroom door and do it while the kids knock and ask “why you are both showering at the same time?” I like the excuse about conserving water the best. We all need to do our part to save Mother Earth.

So if I could go back and tell that bright-eyed, young bride these 7 things, the first few years of marriage may have looked a bit different. At least now I know how to pick my battles. Marriage is a marathon, so buy comfortable under-ware that don’t get easily bunched and hold on for one wild ride.

Can Your Vagina Play The Flute?

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barbie and ken

 

 
Are you friends with any couples on Facebook that feel it necessary to show the world how much they love each other?  Constantly sending each other love letters for the world to read.  Well, my husband and I are friends with THOSE people. Let’s call them Barbie and Ken. Barbie and Ken can make you feel inadequate about your relationship in a mere nanosecond.

 
We first met Barbie and Ken about 7 years ago. When I first encountered Barbie I was amazed and astonished by her tale. She was a single mother of three who met a man who fell desperately in love with her.  They soon married and had two beautiful children of their own; increasing their family size to seven, yes I said SEVEN.

 

I slowly learned the details of their relationship and was dumbfounded. I asked one day, “What did you cook for dinner last night?” Her reply, “My husband made spaghetti.” I quickly questioned, “Ken cooks?”  I proceeded to ask, “Has he always cooked?” Her reply, “Yes, he cooks, cleans, grocery shops, and drops the kids off in the mornings.” My mind was racing. What the hell was this woman saying? Her husband cooks meals, cleans toilets and showers, and handles the kids. How can this be happening? There are men on this planet that know what a toilet brush is for? There are men with brains in their heads that sit on their shoulders and not just in the crotch of their pants? No, it isn’t true. It can’t be.

 

 
Where did this man learn to buy more than beer and toilet paper from the grocery store?  How can this be true? He must be a genetic mutation of sorts. My husband would sit in a pile of shit swarming with flies if I would allow it. What on earth could this woman possibly be doing to get her husband to do these things? My disbelief was unnerving, dare I say alarming.

 

 
She continued to captivate me with stories of the daily tasks that he performs. The final straw broke when she informed me that he coupon-ed! Holy hell, the man clips coupons! It was at that point that the light went on; as though I had been seeing only in black and white for my entire life. Barbie must be some type of sexual savant. Her vagina must be MAGICAL. Perhaps it plays the flute. Her vagina must beckon him like a siren, singing sweet musical notes that fascinate him and force him to coupon until his fingers bleed.

 

 

What other possible explanations could there be. Her vagina, I thought, must be like looking directly into the sun. Glowing and bursting until you can bear no more. When she lays in wait for him and slowly opens her thighs, does her vagina release a tractor beam pulling him in like the Star Ship Enterprise?  Beaming him up into inter-galactic ecstasy?

 

I must know how she became the Pied Piper of Pudenda (AKA Private Parts).  Did she take lessons? Was her mother a Madam? Was she secretly a stripper that worked her way through college? I sat there at a loss for words. I didn’t even know how to finish the conversation. I was enamored with Barbie.

 

I myself do all of the cooking, cleaning, and scrubbing of the shit stained toilets,  I even mow the fucking lawn. I sat there sadly thinking the only thought I could. My vagina must be BROKEN. There are no musical notes making their way out of my barren hole. I am the opposite of a musician. I am the equivalent of the worst cast off in American Idol history. My poor husband has suffered through years of tone-deaf intercourse. This is obviously why my husband refuses to help out around the house. I have blamed him for years, when in reality it is my damaged, crippled Va-Jay Jay.

 
It is now my life’s goal to teach my vagina to play the magical flute. At some point I will rule over my husband and watch while he washes shit stained underware and scrubs burnt pots and pans. I will have my revenge. I will become a concert flautist! My vagina will reign supreme.

5 Similarities Between Hemorrhoids and Children

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preph

Let me start by saying this post has been on my mind for a very long time. If you have never enjoyed a hemorrhoid, let me fill you in. It is one of the most uncomfortable experiences you can have as a human being. They are irritating, painful, itchy, and all around agonizing. I would like to take the next few minutes to explain why children are similar to hemorrhoids.

 

1. Timing: You never know when you will get a hemorrhoid. You can be having a great day and then all of a sudden, BOOM…Your ass has been invaded by an awful pain that can make a grown man cry for his Momma. Children seem to have the same knack with timing. You might be in the middle of doing your taxes, a DIY project, perhaps a self-breast exam, and then BOOM… a kid has shown up without notice and are all up in your business.

 

2. Irritation: A hemorrhoid is one of the most irritating of all physical afflictions. They itch and burn and it is painful to sit. You can’t seem to get comfortable. Children can be the most irritating things on the planet. I am positive that I was asked the exact same question 27 times today before I finally blew my top and chased my 4-year-old with my flip-flop. Children also make it impossible to sit. How many times have you attempted to sit down and your children need something; perhaps food, water, love, or attention. It is so irritating.

 

3. Location: Hemorrhoids are located in a very delicate part of ones anatomy. Yes, directly in the center of where the sun don’t shine. I find that my children love to crawl their way directly into that spot throughout the day. I can be alone in the kitchen, and not 30 seconds later I turn around with at least one child directly up my ass. They have the ability to basically implant themselves into your anus just like said hemorrhoid.

 

4. Pressure: The main cause of most people’s hemorrhoids is too much pressure on the veins in your nether region. I can safely say that my children put more pressure on me then my spouse, my boss, my friends, or any other people on this or any other planet. Children can make you feel like you live directly inside of a pressure cooker, ready to explode at any given time. I have in fact exploded in public on a few occasions, including the grocery store, bank, library, doctors office, park, etc.

 

5. Rushing: One of the main causes of developing a hemorrhoid is rushing to complete you daily constitutional. If you are rushed in the bathroom, you may find these painful playmates in your downstairs parts. Can you think of  time that your children have rushed you? Hummmmmm…. Let me think about that one. How about being rushed to leave the grocery store, bank, library, doctors office, but probably not the park. My entire life is in a constant state of fast forward. Not to mention I am always being rushed out of the bathroom by at least one, if not all three of my children.

 

So I leave you with this short list of similarities, and no real advice on how to care for either hemorrhoids or children. I have used Preparation H for hemorrhoids, but I don’t think it would be beneficial to smear it all over your children. You could attempt that, but it won’t solve the problem, and its super expensive. So let me know if you find a solution and I will happily share it out to the world.

Sincerely, Anally aggravated parent of three

 

Sunshine

That’s Inappropriate

thatsinappropriate.net

 

How Do You Match Up?

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We are quickly inching in on 2015. In this day and age I personally find it very difficult and demanding to be a wife, mother, and full time work at home employee. I wear several different hats and I am constantly juggling various activities.

Today I received a text from a friend with the following document in it. It is a scoring sheet on rating a woman on her ability to be a superior wife and mother. This way you can score her before you purchase the cow so to speak. Take a look at the chart. It was the standard in 1930. You can click on the chart to get a better view.

marital-rating-checklist-in-the-1930s-wife-edition

In the above chart it clearly states the duties that the wife is meant to perform. I will now give you my score and line by line ratings.

Demerits:                                                         My Score:

  1. Slow to come to bed—delays until husband is asleep. 1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Yes, some nights I will wait his ass out until I know it is safe to enter the room without being mauled like poor Roy by Mantecore in 2003.
  2. Doesn’t like Children –                                                               0                                                                                                                                                                                                               I am potentially safe on this question. I am assuming it is referring to your own personal children. I love my children, but I hate other peoples kids. Let’s be honest, we all feel this way, right?
  3. Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks-                                1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I have never sewed a button. I will never darn a sock. I will happily go to the store and buy a new pack of Hanes and call it a day.
  4. Wears soiled or ragged dresses or aprons-                        1                                                                                                                                                                                                       Guilty as charged. There are days I do not get out of my PJ’s. My pajama pants look like they were mauled by Mantecore. They are still my favorite pants, and I am not sure why that makes me a bad wife.
  5. Wears red nail polish—                                                             1                                                                                                                                                                                                             As we speak I am currently wearing glittery red nail polish that looks sweeeeeeeeeet. My though behind wearing red nail polish as a negative is that it infers the woman is a whore. Well, I guess you can call me Debbie and see if I head for Dallas.
  6. Often late for appointments–                                                 5                                                                                                                                                                                                   You’ve got me. I haven’t been on time for anything in at least 10 years. I have three kids. I will most likely be late for my funeral.
  7. Seams in hose often crooked–                                                1                                                                                                                                                                                                               I wouldn’t wear panty hose if you paid me. Plus they wouldn’t work with my flip flops.
  8. Goes to bed with curlers and face cream-                          0                                                                                                                                                                                                               I do not do this, but once I did get a really bad perm and my entire family called me Chester which was the name of a poodle we use to have.
  9. Puts her cold feet on her husband to warm them up-  1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Damn straight I do that. My feet are cold, his legs are covered with think hair. Its like a sweater for my feet.
  10. Is a back seat driver-                                                                   1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Guilty as charged. I am the worst back seat driver. I am also a pretty bad regular driver.
  11. Flirts with other men at parties-                                           0                                                                                                                                                                                                               I don’t think I am guilty of this one, but you would have to ask my husband. I am not interested in taking on another man, a wife on the other hand would be a welcomed addition to our family.
  12. Is suspicious and jealous-                                                         0                                                                                                                                                                                                            At the end of the evening I am so tired that my hair hurts. I do not have the time or energy to be jealous. Plus I am assuming he knows that I am handy with a shovel and am not afraid to dig a hole.

Merits:

  1. A good hostess-                                                                           1                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I would say that I am an awesome hostess. I always have my fridge stocked with beer and wine, and I love throwing a party.
  2. Has meals on time-                                                                   1                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I do work from home so the majority of the time I have dinner ready and served on the table at 6:30. My husbands only complaint being that most of our meals could be served to nursing home patients because I have cooked them in the crock pot for about 12 hours. One year I only cooked food that I could cover in cream of mushroom soup.
  3. Can carry on an interesting conversation-                      1                                                                                                                                                                                                                  If you are reading this then you know I am pretty freaking interesting, however exceptionally inappropriate.
  4. Can play a musical instrument-                                          0                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I do not play any musical instruments, but I am attempting to teach my vagina to play the flute.
  5. Dresses for breakfast-                                                            0                                                                                                                                                                                                                   As stated before, I sometime never change out of my pajamas. Why on earth would I get dressed to hand you a granola bar?
  6. Neat housekeeper-tidy-                                                         1                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I am giving myself this point because I am at war with my children and house every single day. I do my best to keep maple syrup off of the furniture and fruit loops out of the couch. We own a dog. Her role is to eat anything that falls on the floor. That should count as vacuuming. This is however a daunting task and I am currently losing the battle.
  7. Personally puts children to bed-                                         1                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Bed time is usually sports center time at my house, which means I am the one putting their asses in bed. I do a lot of screaming and throwing of items as to disrupt his television watching, but it usually has no effect on him.
  8. Never goes to bed angry-                                                     1                                                                                                                                                                                                                       I try not to do this, however sometimes I am simply passing out. That doesn’t count right?
  9. Asks husbands opinion on important decisions and purchases- 1                                                                                                                                                                                            I say I do this all the time, however my husband would disagree. I do ask him what he think, I just don’t always do what he says. I am not sure why that is a problem.
  10. Good sense of humor—jolly and gay-                             1                                                                                                                                                                                                                    If I do say so myself…Yes I have a pretty good sense of humor. I think that is necessary if you want to stay married and have children. Otherwise you would find me on a bridge taking one last selfie before I jumped.
  11. Religious-sends children to church and also goes to church- 1                                                                                                                                                                                                   I do my very best with this one. Some Sundays are harder than others, especially after the Saturday drinking that occurred due to the week I had taking care of the demanding demons..AKA children.
  12. Let’s Husband sleep late on Sundays and Holidays- 1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 As soon as the three hemorrhoids march into our room on the weekend, he better be up and out of that bed. I am not a camp counselor. Time to rise and shine Baby.

My score….Drum roll please……………………………  -3

That’s right folks. I scored in the negative rage. Every day I get up, take the kids to school, do the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, work from home, clean the pool, cut the grass, complete home projects, shuttle kids to sports and activities, cook dinner, provide the required services for my husband and then go to bed so I can get up and do it again the next day. And after all this I got a -3. I am greatful I was not a wife in the 1930’s. I would have never survived. So here’s to ringing in 2015. May your year be filled with good health, well behaved children, wealth, and a husband who knows better than to ask you to sew on a freaking button.