Wife Archives - That's Inappropriate

02Sep 2015

Resting Dick Face: The Male Equivalent of RBF

RBF has been all over the internet as of late. I myself suffer from a serious case of “Resting Bitch Face.” I have been asked numerous times, “What’s wrong, why are you so upset?” Only to respond, “That’s just my face, I’m fine.” RBF apparently plagues many women from all walks of life. I recently read an article in the New York Times, explaining that men with stern faces, and longing looks are distinguished. I disagree. I believe that men suffer as well. I know this because my husband suffers from what I have deemed “Resting Dick Face.”

“Resting Dick Face” causes the face to squint and scowl, looking grouchy and constipated. RDF is usually prompted by the following situations:

~Asking for help with the kids.
~Asking for help with the dishes.
~Asking for help with the laundry.
~Spending time with the in-laws.
~Spending time with the wife’s friends.
~Listening to the wife talk about her day.
~Interrupting ESPN.
~Interrupting an NBA game.
~Interrupting an NFL game.
~Interrupting a PGA event.
~Interrupting a 30 for 30 special.
~Clothes shopping.
~Shoe shopping.
~Purse shopping.
~Home decor shopping.
~Event planning (Other then Super Bowl)
~Denying sex due to a headache.
~Denying sex due to your period.
~Denying sex due to exhaustion.
~Denying sex simply to deny sex.
There is hope. There are several known cures for RDF. They include golfing, fishing, drinking with friends, and watching Sports Center. The most effective and fastest cure for RDF is sexual intercourse, but oral sex will work if you are short on time.

So women, be aware that your man may suffer from RDF. Take a deep breath and know you are not alone. It isn’t necessary to seek medical attention right away. You can simply ask him to wipe that nasty look off his face and finish putting the kids to bed. He can pout on the couch later.

24Jul 2015

Life Is Short. Have An Affair: Part Deux

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 17 Comments

On Monday the Ashley Madison story broke. The site was hacked, and 37 million members’ information was at risk of being leaked. I took a look at the site and a few articles that were circulating on CNN, The Huffington Post, The Wall Street Journal, and I decided to write a piece about the situation. I had no idea that my tiny humor post would strike such a nerve.

My post has over 950 comments ranging from positive support, to people wishing for my ultimate demise. If you have a minute you should head over and read the comments. Make that 15 minutes. Life Is Short. Have An Affair. Ashley Madison

I decided that I need to write a follow-up piece to reply to some of the comments that I received via email and on my site. Please keep in mind that I am a humor blogger and I do not have the ability to keep sarcasm out of anything that I write.

1. You live under a rock: At the present time I do not live under a rock.
2. You are naive: Yes, I am . I am also positive that this is one of the many things people find charming about me.
3. Marriage is a fluid agreement: Ummm, in my house marriage is a contract. A firm contact that does not allow me to play with anyone’s fluids, except my husbands.
4. “Married dating” is real and everybody is doing it: I don’t think we should call it “married dating” anymore. Let’s keep it simple and call it cheating, and not everyone is doing it. Cheaters are doing it.
5. You are a judgmental person who has no idea what marriage is all about: I am an opinionated person who has been married for 12 years. I know nothing of “married dating,” and I hold no judgement over you. As for marriage, I know that it is a close second to the hardest thing I have ever done, the first being parenting.
6. Open marriage is a real thing and you should learn about it: I knew that open marriages existed. It is not something that I see much in my small town, but I am sure it is going on. If you have an open marriage I am assuming that both partners know it is open. Therefore you are in the clear to participate in “married dating.” Go ahead and hump until the cows come home.
7. Cheating does take organization and time management skills: I figured as much. Considering I locked myself out of my house yesterday and put the milk in the panty last night, I will stick with a monogamous relationship. The heartburn alone would cause me to spend more time then I like at CVS purchasing Tums to ease my gastrointestinal discomfort.
8. The meaning of monogamy has changed and you missed it: I just checked the dictionary, Wiki answers, Yahoo answers, and I “Googled” it to be sure. All sources confirmed that it does in fact mean being with ONE person during the course of the relationship. Not one person that day, and a different person the next day. I couldn’t find the definition for 24 hour monogamy, but I will let you know when I do.
9. You sound uptight. You should have a threesome: I have seen Seinfeld, so I was aware of the infamous “Menage a Trois.” Like I said, I currently do not live under a rock. Or at least my rock has cable. I think I will refrain from said activity due to the fact that I am standing firm with the monogamy thing.
10. I read your article and I think we should have an affair: This one threw me for a loop. If he had read my article I think he would have understood that I am currently married and not seeking out anyone to participate in “married dating.” I will have to go back and read my original post again to make sure that I was clear in my stance on said “married dating.”

These are my responses to just a few of the comments that were made after my post. Please feel free to send me your opinion on the breach, or any other issue that you have with me or my writing. Your opinion counts, just as much as mine.

27May 2015

20 Tips To Becoming A Superhero To Your Spouse

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 18 Comments

It seems that there are superheroes everywhere you turn. New summer movies will be gracing the big screens any day now, and comic book television dramas are sure to be on the fall primetime lineup. I have sat through hours of Batman, Ironman, the Flash, Superman, Spiderman, and most recently Daredevil. I am at a loss to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good action flick as much as the next guy, but I just don’t get superheroes.

What is it about superheroes that make our husbands want to secretly be these men? Why do they dream about a meteor falling from the sky, causing intergalactic gel to ooze into the water system, thus giving them secret powers that they can use to fight crime???? I guess I am no fun. I don’t see the point in watching a movie or television series where people have magical powers. If you want me to watch a show with you, create a character that was hit by a bolt of lightning and woke up without her saggy tits, cellulite on her ass, and the absence of cross-continental baggage under her eyes. That show I will watch!

So men, let me tell you what will make you a Superhero to your significant other:

1. Scrub the toilet. The entire toilet, including the shit stains.

2. Wash the dishes….with soap.

3. Give the kids a bath….with soap.

4. Cook dinner, or get take-out. Either way she didn’t have to cook, so you win.

5. Take us shopping and smile the entire time. Don’t ask if the item is on sale.

6. Wake up at night with the kids….especially if someone pissed the bed. Don’t pretend you can’t hear them. The dead can hear them.

7. Hold your farts. If it is a dire emergency, pass gas next to the children, not your wife.

8. Don’t fart while in bed, and don’t even think about pulling the covers up over her head.

9. When we agree that a holiday or special occasion does not require gifts, get her one anyway. She wants a gift. She always wants a gift.

10. Snuggle up next to your wife while in bed and cuddle with no expectation of sex. Like legitimately no expectation of sex.

11. Don’t’ push your junk on her back and tell her you have a gift for her. It’s not really a gift. She has seen it before.

12. Vacuum, mop, wash the windows, repeat.

13. Ask her if she wants a mustache ride without expecting anything in return.

14. Get a babysitter without telling her and take her to dinner.

15. Wash the laundry, and put it away. Let me clarify, put it in the correct drawer. Don’t put your son’s underwear in your wife’s drawer.

16. Load the dishwasher, and then empty the dishwasher without being asked. I bet she drops to her knees later that evening.

17. Text her a sweet message during the day. Something like, “Babe, I can’t wait to get home and do a load of whites.”

18. Take the kids……ANYWHERE. For an extended period of time.

19. Bring her chocolate…….ANYTHING.

20. Bring her wine……..ANY KIND.

So as you can see, it is pretty simple to become a superhero. Your spouse will most definitely think that you can leap tall buildings in a single bound if you follow these 20 tips. They will call you the man of steel, or whatever ridiculous name you want them to scream while in the bedroom. These 20 tips are proven panty dropper’s, so get started today.

*This message is endorsed and sponsored by every woman on the planet

12May 2015

Pantyliners, Aisle 7

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 4 Comments

I normally do all of the shopping for our household. This past weekend was Mother’s Day so I asked my husband if he would go to the store to pick up a few things. Around noon, I sent him to the store for a total of 5 items. One of the items on the list was pantyliners. After giving birth to three children, I need the type of protection that said pantyliner provides. It is not a fun topic to discuss, but it is my lot in life to pee when I sneeze, laugh, jump, trip, fall, high-five, the list goes on and on.

I was very specific with the type of pantyliner and brand that I wanted him to buy. I am a creature of habit, so I like to purchase the same product when I get great results. Pantyliners are a product that need to work…EVERY. TIME. My husband sent me a text, stating that he could not find the brand that I wanted. I told him where they were located in the store, and asked him to ask someone if he couldn’t find them. I knew that when I told him to ask someone, that he wouldn’t. My guess is that he figured if he asked an associate they would naturally assume that the pantyliners were for him. I mean what other logical thought would the associate have. A man in the feminine hygiene aisle, he must be shopping for his own personal use.

10 minutes later, he texted back stating that they really don’t have them and he sent me a picture of the brands that they did have. I looked over the selection and asked him to pick up the box of Always brand pantyliners and check to see if they were un-scented. He spent another five minutes reading the box. My guess is that he ran from the feminine care aisle and attempted to hide in the corner of the store. We have been married for over 12 years. He has watched me give birth three times, and yet he is embarrassed to buy a feminine care product. He finally texted me back stating that he didn’t think they were scented. Below is our short and sweet text conversation:

I couldn’t help but have a little fun with my husband. I mean seriously, it is not that big a deal. I wasn’t asking him to go up to a woman in the aisle and ask her for a detailed personal review on the pantyliner. I just wanted him to get the right one. He apparently didn’t think my joke was funny. I still laugh when I see the picture that I took of our text conversation. Life is too short to be embarrassed over pantyliners and personal hygiene products. I can safely say that I wouldn’t have a problem going to the store to buy him jock itch cream. He did come home with a pack of pantyliners, so it was a successful venture. I am safe to sneeze, thanks to my husband.

06May 2015

My Mother’s Day Wish

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

I don’t want flowers.

Please don’t buy me a gift.

What do I want this year, several hours of quiet bliss.

Don’t knock on my door.

Don’t utter my name.

If a problem arises, call Daddy, he’s game.

I want to shower in silence.

I want to take a long nap.

I don’t want to see your fingers under the door while taking a crap.

Don’t tell me you’re hungry.

Don’t whimper or whine.

It’s Mother’s day rug rats, pass the wine while I dine.

The kitchen is closed.

No cooking today.

But I do want to binge watch episodes of Grey’s.

No cleaning or laundry.

No dishes will I do.

You crayon gobblers’ better think twice before throwing a coup.

I want to relax and read a book.

Eat a meal without sharing.

I’m sorry if this seems a bit uncaring.

Daddy, this goes for you too.

So tonight at bedtime…

I’ll take a pass on the screw.

I want to fall asleep untouched.

Please, no orifice invasion.

No groping or humping, I’m immune to persuasion.

Mommy needs a break.

But please don’t be sad.

The sperm donor’s here, you call him Dad.

03Apr 2015

7 Things Married Me, Would Share With Newlywed Me

by Meredith Masony ⋅ 13 Comments

I have learned a lot of lessons over the past 12 years. If I could go back and give newlywed me a few tips on surviving marriage, it would look a little something like this.

Fairy Tales do not exist: Life happens and the best way to deal with that is by going with the flow. Resisting the current will cause a lot of stress and arguments. We all watch movies like the Notebook and Dirty Dancing, and think, “I want that kind of super sexy passionate relationship.” Sure, it looks pretty hot, heavy, and magical, but that is not reality. I bet if Dirty Dancing had a sequel, Johnny would come home without the milk at some point and we would really see how passionate Baby would become. “Johnny, are you serious? What are the kids going to put on their cereal in the morning? I asked for one freaking thing!”
Let him go….anywhere he wants: For the first few years of our marriage, I nagged my husband to keep him close. I was always so upset that he would want to go away and be separated from me. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me every second of the day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I truly believe that. Since having children, I am happy to have my husband go out and play golf, or do anything his little heart pleases. The only rule is that he takes at least one kids when he goes. He needs time away from me and I need time away from him. We both need time away from the kids. It is necessary for survival. I recommend some separation if you want to remain married, it makes sense I swear.
He is not going to change: I spent years complaining that my husband doesn’t clean toilets, or help with the household chores. I would actually ask him, “Why don’t you want to help me clean the house?” I can’t help but laugh out loud thinking about it. I don’t want to clean the house, why would he want to clean the house. We dated for a long time prior to marrying, and he was a slob then, why would he morph into a tidy companion. It was an unrealistic notion that drove me crazy. To this day I have never seen him scrub a toilet. I am positive that the Apocalypse will occur if he were to ever pick up a toilet brush.
Romance IS OVERRATED: Wine me, dine me, …..You know the rest. Being romantic is not for everyone. I love to see it on the big screen, but it is not something that comes naturally to my husband. I use to beg him for romantic gestures, but that is like asking a musician to perform surgery. We all have talents and strengths, and it is unfair to demand a talent that someone does not possess. Everyday does not need to be a page out of a romance novel, that is not real life. The nights that he gets up and does the dishes without me prompting him are the sexiest gestures ever. Watch out Mr. Grey, my husband scrubbed a pot!!! SO Freaking HOT!
Saying “I love you” is not enough: To show someone you love them, use actions not words. I am not the biggest fan of serious conversations, or talking about my feelings. I like to use actions to speak for how I feel. My husband knows I love him because I cook, clean, iron his dress shirts, pack his lunch, and buy his favorite toilet paper. Nothing says I love you like a clean, freshly wiped backside.
Don’t argue over where to go for dinner: Don’t spend 45 minutes discussing where to go for dinner. Be happy you don’t have to cook and if you want something specific, ask. He can not read your mind. I promise. We went out last week and I wanted steak. I said, “Take me for steak.” His reply, “Outback it is.” It was quick and easy, up until the point where my three kids terrorized the restaurant and one violated the bathroom.
Making Love is made up: Sex is a big part of marriage, but making love doesn’t look like a Hollywood movie scene . There will not be candles, music, or mood lighting every time the horizontal mambo will occur. Sometime you just need to do it because he asked. Sometime you need to do it because the kids are all asleep for the first time in a week. Sometimes you will just need to lock the bathroom door and do it while the kids knock and ask “why you are both showering at the same time?” I like the excuse about conserving water the best. We all need to do our part to save Mother Earth.

So if I could go back and tell that bright-eyed, young bride these 7 things, the first few years of marriage may have looked a bit different. At least now I know how to pick my battles. Marriage is a marathon, so buy comfortable under-ware that don’t get easily bunched and hold on for one wild ride.

25Feb 2015

Can Your Vagina Play The Flute?

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

Are you friends with any couples on Facebook that feel it necessary to show the world how much they love each other? Constantly sending each other love letters for the world to read. Well, my husband and I are friends with THOSE people. Let’s call them Barbie and Ken. Barbie and Ken can make you feel inadequate about your relationship in a mere nanosecond.

We first met Barbie and Ken about 7 years ago. When I first encountered Barbie I was amazed and astonished by her tale. She was a single mother of three who met a man who fell desperately in love with her. They soon married and had two beautiful children of their own; increasing their family size to seven, yes I said SEVEN.

I slowly learned the details of their relationship and was dumbfounded. I asked one day, “What did you cook for dinner last night?” Her reply, “My husband made spaghetti.” I quickly questioned, “Ken cooks?” I proceeded to ask, “Has he always cooked?” Her reply, “Yes, he cooks, cleans, grocery shops, and drops the kids off in the mornings.” My mind was racing. What the hell was this woman saying? Her husband cooks meals, cleans toilets and showers, and handles the kids. How can this be happening? There are men on this planet that know what a toilet brush is for? There are men with brains in their heads that sit on their shoulders and not just in the crotch of their pants? No, it isn’t true. It can’t be.

Where did this man learn to buy more than beer and toilet paper from the grocery store? How can this be true? He must be a genetic mutation of sorts. My husband would sit in a pile of shit swarming with flies if I would allow it. What on earth could this woman possibly be doing to get her husband to do these things? My disbelief was unnerving, dare I say alarming.

She continued to captivate me with stories of the daily tasks that he performs. The final straw broke when she informed me that he coupon-ed! Holy hell, the man clips coupons! It was at that point that the light went on; as though I had been seeing only in black and white for my entire life. Barbie must be some type of sexual savant. Her vagina must be MAGICAL. Perhaps it plays the flute. Her vagina must beckon him like a siren, singing sweet musical notes that fascinate him and force him to coupon until his fingers bleed.

What other possible explanations could there be. Her vagina, I thought, must be like looking directly into the sun. Glowing and bursting until you can bear no more. When she lays in wait for him and slowly opens her thighs, does her vagina release a tractor beam pulling him in like the Star Ship Enterprise? Beaming him up into inter-galactic ecstasy?

I must know how she became the Pied Piper of Pudenda (AKA Private Parts). Did she take lessons? Was her mother a Madam? Was she secretly a stripper that worked her way through college? I sat there at a loss for words. I didn’t even know how to finish the conversation. I was enamored with Barbie.

I myself do all of the cooking, cleaning, and scrubbing of the shit stained toilets, I even mow the fucking lawn. I sat there sadly thinking the only thought I could. My vagina must be BROKEN. There are no musical notes making their way out of my barren hole. I am the opposite of a musician. I am the equivalent of the worst cast off in American Idol history. My poor husband has suffered through years of tone-deaf intercourse. This is obviously why my husband refuses to help out around the house. I have blamed him for years, when in reality it is my damaged, crippled Va-Jay Jay.

It is now my life’s goal to teach my vagina to play the magical flute. At some point I will rule over my husband and watch while he washes shit stained underware and scrubs burnt pots and pans. I will have my revenge. I will become a concert flautist! My vagina will reign supreme.

11Feb 2015

5 Guaranteed Effects of the 50 Shades of Grey Premier

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

48 hours until the day I have been waiting for. Yes, it has been two long years. LONG, very LONG. Ladies it is time. Soon enough I will be in a theater will hundreds of other horny housewives that can’t wait to meet Mr. Christian Grey. This movie has a lot to live up to. To be completely honest, I am nervous that I will end up disappointed. I was able to create my version of Mr. Grey. Will Jamie Dornan be able to fulfill my needs??? I can only hope that this will be the first of a series of films that will rock my thirty-something, mother of three libido into a frenzy. This movie has made me think about what will come after the fact. With such anticipation, I can only imagine that this movie will cause some major side effects. Like an earthquake, I am expecting the shock waves to be felt for quite some time after the release of the film. Below I have listed the top 5 Side effects of the 50 Shades premier.

October Baby Boom: With so many women ready and waiting for this Friday, I think it is safe to say that there will be more fireworks this month than on the fourth of July. October will be scarier for a different reason this year. Watch out Halloween, I predict that we will see a rise in October births. There is no way to avoid this. Women will be so drunk on smut, and most likely booze, poor choices will lead to a baby boom in the fall.

Bada Bing: Toys, toys, toys, and zip ties. I am predicting that sales will sky-rocket in the adult entertainment industry. Housewives across the globe will soon find a need for a butt-plug and whip. UPS and FEDEX delivery drivers will be working overtime to supply erotic toy time to middle-aged yoga pants wearing Moms. Mom’s, don’t forget to put away the toys, you don’t want little Johnny to find a light up vibrating stick and think its time to play Star Wars. “No Johnny, that is not a light saber!”

Husband Euphoria: Men across the world will be enjoying weeks, perhaps month (Once this hits DVD and pay per view) of UN-initiated sex. That’s right boys, the Mrs. may be begging you for it. She will be like putty in your hands. No longer will you hear, “I have a headache”, rather it will be, “Have you seen the handcuffs?” My advice, let her call you Christian.

Sexual Harassment Suits will Sky-Rocket: Women in a position of power in the work place will be unable to control their urges. Soon enough, case after case will surface where women are found guilty of locking the office door and chasing male employees with nipple clamps and blindfolds. There will be no stopping boss lady from tearing into the mail-room intern who is guilty of mishandling the mail. Obviously, this young man is in need of some stern corrections by the hands of a dominant .

Insurance Deductibles will be Crushed: Getting tied up and spanked in the Red Room is something that every 50 Shades fan dreams about. I predict that many men will be found at their local Urgent Care Centers, suffering from rope burn, whip lacerations, and nipple chaffing. Don’t forget to complete your honey-do list, being disobedient can land you in the hospital. On the bright side, frequent 50 Shades fliers (Men treated for erotic injuries) will need to download their 50 Shades co-insurance card in order to ensure a discount.

So here’s to this movie living up to the ideal we have in our filthy dirty minds. I never understood crazy people waiting in long lines in the cold for a TV that’s on sale, but believe me….I get it now. Good thing I already fandango-ed my ticket. See you there dirty old women….I can’t wait. #50ShadesofGrey

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

https://www.facebook.com/thatsinappropriateblog?ref=hl

10Feb 2015

Welcome To Time Out

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

“Welcome To Time Out”

Mom Version of Taylor Swifts “Welcome to New York”

I find that I sing this tune very frequently in my home. Please feel free to sing along while you send your sweet child to time-out.

Welcome to your room, Mom slams the door

Crying, flailing limbs, tears and so much more

Everybody listens as you scream and roar

Searching for a wooden spoon, Mom counts to four

And she says

Welcome to Time-Out

Its been waiting for you

Welcome to Time-Out

You’re stuck now child

Feel free to cry and stomp your feet, feet

Ten minutes more

Cuz I can’t stand your shreeeeeeek, shreeeeeek

Welcome to Time-Out

Its been waiting for you

Welcome to Time-Out

When you first threw your cup and bowl on the floor

Took your spoon and fork, ran and slammed the door

Everybody here knows you’ve been before

Because you want what you want

Boy oh boy bad choice and more

Welcome to Time-Out

Its been waiting for you

Welcome to Time-Out

You’re stuck now child

Feel free to cry and stomp your feet, feet

Ten minutes more

Cuz I can’t stand your shreeeeeeek, shreeeeeek

It doesn’t matter if you can carry a tune or not. Sing loud and proud!!

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

06Feb 2015

What’s Your Mileage?

by Meredith Masony ⋅ Leave a Comment

I like my minivan. It is practical, safe, and drives like a dream. It fits the whole family very comfortably. I never thought I could be so content with a minivan. What’s my point? I know at some time in the near future, maybe 3-4 years, I will get rid of my van. It will hit 100,000 miles and I will trade it in for a newer version. So once again, what’s my point? Cars, homes, appliances, and people all have a shelf life. My minivan will get kicked to the curb when that odometer hits 6 digits. So the question at hand is, what is my odometer reading, and will I get traded in?

As a woman in her mid-thirties, with a body that has been destroyed by child-birth three times, I think about being traded in. I’m not blind. I can see the newer, shiny versions that travel the block. Perky breasts, tight asses, and hair that is free of boogers and spit up. I myself admire those versions, I remember being that version. I am also aware of the fact that each year, gravity is more and more vengeful and there isn’t much I can do about it.

With my minivan there is no guessing. I can see the odometer each day. There are no surprises. It is clear and precise. 60,342 miles have been accrued. How many miles have I accrued? If you judge it by the dark circles under my eyes, or the pains in my knees and back, my mileage is pretty substantial for a mid-thirties model. I do my best to exercise and eat well, but the three blood sucking vampires that I live with make it difficult to look like the twenty something model that is dent free with still inflated tires.

When I go to the dealership to trade in my minivan it will not be a shock. I will be ready for the trade. I will do research on my next vehicle; I will be able to prepare myself mentally. I guess my real fear is that since I can’t see my odometer reading, will I be shocked if I get traded in? Will I be blindsided and feel like those poor crash test dummies, all mangled and broken?

The thought of having to start the dating process all over again is daunting. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be single again. When you go car shopping, you can ask for an accident report or a Car Fax. I guess that’s what dating is like after marriage. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you. How many kids do you have? Any major accidents or surgeries I should know about? Do you have a good health insurance plan? How about your 401K? Is your Mother still alive?” Yikes!!! Check please.

So in the end, will the odometer reading determine if I get traded in, or will it only increase my value and cause me to become a classic? There is the possibility that my husband will love the vintage look and keep me around for the long haul. Men have odometer as well, so I guess I could consider a trade. It’s a good thing for him that I hate car shopping. I wonder what the Car Fax on a thirty something, bald father of three looks like? My guess is it’s a comparative value to a 60,324 mile Minivan Mom.

Sunshine

http://thatsinappropriate.net/

@thatsinapropro

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