Thank You Granny For the Panties

There has recently been a bit of a rumbling over social media about the fact that granny panties are currently “in style.” I am very excited to hear this, but I am not new to the granny panty game. I have never been much of a thong supporter. I do not like having a chronic wedgie, nor do I want to pay more for less underwear. My husband has always been saddened by the fact that I enjoy circus tent, white cotton “day of the week” underwear. To him I say, keep rockin’ your Dad bod, and I’ll keep my fanny safely concealed.

I am titillated to see that my underwear of choice is now deemed fashionable and hip. It just affirms the fact that I make solid undergarment choices, which obviously translates into my supreme wisdom over all other topics. My reasoning for not wearing thongs, however has nothing to do with the fashion forward trends. Here are the top 5 reasons I choose to wear said granny panties over super sexy thongs.

1. Let it breath: My nether-regions need to stay properly ventilated. I do not want a cotton, or better yet, nylon fabric wadded up my Va-jay, stopping the air flow.
2. Comfort is priceless: Yeah, that’s right. I like to be comfortable while working my ass off all day. The last thing I need is to be distracted by an atomic wedgie while my four-year-old is trying to light the house on fire with a starter log on my patio.
3. Shape Shifters: After three kids, my hips have expanded and shifted more times than the tectonic plates on the ocean floor of the western hemisphere. A thong could snap under such pressure. That is actually where the phrase, “You’ll shoot your eye out with that thing” came from.
4. No room at the Inn: I already have three kids, one dog, and a husband stuck so far up my ass, that I literally cannot stick even the tiniest of things up there. No room for even the slimmest piece of butt floss.
5. Safety First: Wearing granny panties makes me feel like my pelvis is buckled in. They are like the seat belt of underwear. No one drives the car without buckling up. Click it or ticket.

So I dare you to put on a pair of comfy cotton cheek cuddler’s and not grin from ear to ear. More is less. The freedom I feel in my tighty whities is like nothing else. You may mock my panty lines, but you will never crush my wedgie free spirit.