An Open Letter to Taylor Swift

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Let me begin by saying that I do in fact understand that I am a 34-year-old mother of 3. I am also a huge Taylor Swift fan. I have several friends who have given me grief for being such a “Swifty,” but I simply do not care. Here is my open letter to Taylor Swift, explaining why I am head over heels in love with her.

Dear Taylor Swift,

You are adorable. Sometimes I pretend to be your beautiful, fancy older sister who gets to jet set with you all over the globe. You are remarkable. I am in awe of your song writing talents and ability to engineer social media. You are undoubtedly a genius. I am impressed with your musical talents, but also your business and marketing skills. You have become a very accomplished individual at a very young age. Being a mother, I am grateful to you as an artist and competent role model. My children all adore your music and I am happy that they can listen to it. Your music videos are all safe for their eyes, and you have given back to the community that has supported you over and over again.

tswift

It seems like critics are always waiting for the other shoe to drop with you. They are waiting for you to “Lose it” or get photographed doing illegal or immoral things. To them I say, “Haters gonna hate,” to you I say, “Shake it Off.” You are a smart business woman, who I am thrilled to have my daughter look up to. You have found a way to make a huge impact while remaining grounded and sane. I applaud your efforts and I wish you the best. I know you will continue to succeed going quintuple platinum on your next three albums. I hope you are happy and find satisfaction with your craft.

I find your music infectious and I can never sit still when listening to your sick beats. I find myself mopping the floors to your energetic tunes. Your lyrics send a message of hope and inspiration, as well as power to know it is safe to be yourself. You have cornered the market on threenagers, teenagers, and thirty-somethings. I look forward to your 1989 tour, and I will see you in October.

Sincerely,

Crazy Mother of 3 Super Fan

P.S. My husband also loves you and uses the 1989 album as his workout mix 😉

 

 

Sunshine

www.thatsinappropriate.net

 

The Day Mommy Lost Her SH#T

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One of my biggest parenting fears has always been that I will royally screw up my kids. They are relatively defenseless, and I have always been concerned with sending them straight to the therapist couch. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 dollars. About a month ago, I had the kind of day my kids will definitely, at some point, relive in a therapist’s office.

Spring break was upon our household like the Bubonic plaque. Kids were crawling all over the place and I had 14 days worth of maximum security lock up to look forward to. I work from home which has as many benefits as drawbacks. One major drawback being, I can’t get my work done when my kids are home. I tried to find camps to send them to, but that ship had sailed.

The week started out with the common daily issues we all face in our households. There was a ton of screaming, crying, fist fighting, food throwing, running, and tattle telling. I was doing my best to keep it together. I was stressed with work, the demands of the three tiny hemorrhoids, and I was getting ready to have my second surgery for the year. I was not in the best state of mind to say the least.photo (17)

It was day seven of the break. That morning I got a letter in the mail from my home owners associations stating that we had violated our deed restrictions and owed a $100 fine. I was livid. I had been battling with these Napoleonic retirees for months and I was done. I loaded everyone into the car and drove to the management office to pay my association fees and address my recent violation. I jumped out of the van to discover that the office was closed. My blood began to boil. I automatically texted my husband a list of obscenities that I could not blurt out in front of the kids. I boldly and feverishly texted that I was on the verge of throat punching someone and buckled myself back into my seat. 

On the drive home the kids continued to fight over who was going to watch what when we got home. One kid hit another kid with a book in the backseat and I swung around screaming, “If I have to pull this van over you will not be happy!” My idle threat fell on deaf ears as I continued home with the miniature tyrants screaming that they wanted to swim. I tried to text my husband to calm me down but he was in a meeting and couldn’t respond.

We entered the house and I ran into my office to check my voice-mails. Just as I had dialed a number I heard two of my kids screaming and crying as though they were being mauled by a grizzly bear. I ran from the office to find them fighting over a stuffed penguin.

At that moment I lost my SH#T. I couldn’t take another second of the screaming and fighting. I grabbed the stuffed penguin and said, “If you’re going to fight over it, you’re going to lose it!” I then proceeded to make the penguin a double amputee by ripping his arms off. I stuffed him in the garbage can and looked back at my kids. They stood there, in silence, mortified that I had maimed the penguin from Madagascar. I shoved his mangled body in the trash can and smacked his beaten head with the lid. He had made his way into an early grave. I stood there in shock, I was now a stuffed animal murderer. 

The kids took one look at me and were off like a bat out of hell and ran for their rooms. I followed, screaming hysterically about their constant fighting, and continued my rant for about five more minutes. Nothing in my path was safe. I slammed chairs, threw toys, clothing, and shoes.  As I walked past a mirror in the living room I caught a glimpse of myself and I stopped. I looked like a crazy lunatic.

I needed to find my SH#T and put it back together. I went to the bathroom and cried for a few minutes. I then walked back out to the living room and sat all of the kids on the couch. I apologized, I cried, they cried, and we all hugged. My son looked at me and quietly asked if he could have his penguin back. I explained that he was now in a better place and he said, “No, he is in a trash can.” I tried not to laugh, but I did. My oldest chimed in with, “Yeah buddy, it’s gone. Mom went crazy on that penguin.” 

It is most definitely a day that I won’t forget. It was one of my worst parenting moments, but it taught me a very specific lesson. I simply can’t do it all. I can’t take care of three kids, work from home, take care of the house, and keep any kind of sanity. I called my boss that evening and asked her for a week off so that I could properly do my most vital job, be a Mom.

So the reason I am talking about my worst parenting moment, is to let you know that it too shall pass. I know that my limits are real and must be acknowledged. We all fall, it’s what happens next that matters most.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

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kidasay

Conversations with your children can leave you speechless. Here are a few interactions that I deemed worthy of a share.

 

6 Yr. Old: Do we have sunblock?

Me: Yes Why?

6 Yr. Old: My friend is coming over after school.

Me: OK.

6 Yr. Old: He has asthma, so I’m just making sure we have sunblock.

Me: Yup, we’re all good.

 

9 Yr. Old: Gross, you farted.

6 Yr. Old: I didn’t fart.

Me: You are the only one here.

6 Yr. Old: It wasn’t a fart, it was my breath.

 

4 Yr. Old: I’m Spiderman, Batman, and a Ninja Turtle mixed together.

Me: Awesome, what are you called?

4 Yr. Old: Teenage Spiderbat Turtle Power.

Me: Wow, what is your super-power?

4 Yr. Old: WIFI

 

Me: Where are your pants?

6 Yr. Old: I had to take them off.

Me: Why?

6 Yr. Old: My underwear were crusty.

Me: What? Why?

6 Yr Old: No big deal, just a wet fart.

Me: ………………….

 

Listening to radio in-car (Blank Space by Taylor Swift)

4 Yr. Old: Mom, how does she make a bad guy good for the weekend?

Me:………..

4 Yr. Old: Does she put him in time out?

Me: Yes, that must be it. Hey look a squirrel.

4 Yr. Old: Wow, where?

 

6 Yr. Old: Mom, watch me run.

Me: OK.

6 Yr. Old: Look, see how my legs move.

Me: Your legs look fine.

6 Yr. Old: I think there is something wrong. Will you take me to a biologist?

Me: Sure, we can schedule that.

 

Me: Will you love me forever and stay my baby?

4 Yr. Old: Yes. I will stay here.

Me: What happens when you get married?

4 Yr. Old: I’m not getting a wife, I don’t want any kids?

Me: Why not.

4 Yr Old: Kids are a lot of work and I don’t want anyone to tell me what to do.

Me: Won’t you be lonely?

4 Yr Old: No, I’ll get a dog.

Me: Genius!

 

4 Yr. Old: Why is your tummy fat?

Me: I had three babies.

4 Yr. Old: A long time ago, why is it still fat?

Me: You use to be the favorite.

 

6 Yr. Old: Why are you wearing glasses?

Me: It’s hard for me to see.

6 Yr. Old: They’re ugly.

Me: That’s not nice.

6 Yr. Old: Well, it’s not a good look for you.

Me: I’ll make sure to ask your permission next time I buy glasses.

6 Yr. Old: You should, you obviously need help.

 

9 Yr. Old: This food is gross.

Me: It’s not gross its good for you, its organic.

9 Yr. Old: Organic is gross.

Me: You eat your boogers.

9 Yr. Old: So.

Me: Boogers are organic.

9 Yr. Old: Well, boogers taste good.

 

4 Yr. Old: Can I sleep in your bed?

Me: No, there is not enough room.

4 Yr. Old: Why can Daddy sleep with you?

Me: Because I married him.

4 Yr. Old: I will marry you. Can I sleep in your bed now?

Daddy: Don’t be so quick to offer that up buddy.

4 Yr. Old: I really want to get in your bed.

Daddy: So did I, and now I’m stuck. Think about it.

4 Yr. Old: I’ll just sleep on the floor.

You never know where the conversation will take you. It’s kind of like Mr. Toads wild ride, so buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Sunshine

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Help! My Kid Is A Goat.

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goatpic

I am constantly amazed at the things my kids say and do, as well as how they act whether in public or at home. I was having coffee with some friends the other morning and as we sat at the kitchen table I felt as though I was surrounded by a herd of goats. The kids were loud, eating everything in sight, climbing on the couch, and downright obnoxious. It was like being trapped in a barn yard with no way to escape. I came to the startling realization that my kids are goats!

  1. Baby goats are called kids: Seriously, how funny is that. Female goats are called “Nannies”, this is becoming a bit weird,  so I guess I am the “nanny” and it is my job to watch all of the “kids.” Touche’ animal kingdom, touche’.
  2. Browsing Animals: People often think that goats will eat anything. Goats are known as browsing animals because they will put just about anything in their mouths, as to identify if the object is edible. Does that sound familiar? Just last week I had to ask my 4 yr old to spit out a crayon, car, bottle top, shoe lace, and a toy truck. Hummmmmm. I am beginning to see a pattern here.
  3. Curious and Intelligent Creatures: Goats are known to be one of the most intelligent of the barn yard brethren. They are resourceful creatures, much like my three “kids.” My youngest son sat behind the couch the other day waiting for his sister to get up from the table to use the restroom. As soon as she was out of sight, he ran to her plate, ate her remaining food and drank her drink. She returned to an empty plate and looked at me with a puzzled expression. Sneaky little goat.
  4. Climbers: To look at a goat, one would not picture an animal that can climb high mountains, and even trees, but goats are fantastic climbers. A few months back I found my 6 yr old on top of the refrigerator. What on earth was she doing there, looking for confiscated items of course. I assumed that since they couldn’t reach the top of the fridge it was a safe place to hide said item, but I was wrong.
  5. Escape Artists: Houdini’s in a herd, goats are known to be very difficult animals to pen. They have an uncanny ability to find weaknesses in fencing and then exploit that weakness and escape. My kids are also mini Houdini’s, they have the ability to instantly make my patience disappear. Every night I put them to bed and they are able to find their way into the kitchen 57 times for water, a hug, one last kiss, and eventually a flip-flop beating. There is no way to contain them, legally that is.
  6. Screamers: Goats are known to be very loud animals. The noise they make has been equated to a child scream. My kids have no idea what an “inside voice” is, or why screaming is so bothersome. They will scream from sunrise to sunset, and I have had them all tested for hearing deficits.
  7. Nagging Creatures: While doing serious research on this piece I read about a farmer who would crawl to the bathroom in the morning on his hands and knees, because if the goats saw him they would cry and nag him until he came out to see them. My kids try daily to nag me to death. “What time is dinner? Where are my shoes? Why do I have to clean my room? Are you going to get out of bed and feed us? Why do you want to run away?” Nag, nag, nag, all day long with the questions. Ignoring them has yet to work.

I had no idea that I would grow up to be the nanny goat. I am not a fan of barns, or barn yard animals, but I guess I will keep my herd and carry on. I will continue to Shepard the hell out of this job until my goats are all grown.

Sunshine

thatsinappropriate.net

 

7 Things Married Me, Would Share With Newlywed Me

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I have learned a lot of lessons over the past 12 years. If I could go back and give newlywed me a few tips on surviving marriage, it would look a little something like this.

  1. Fairy Tales do not exist: Life happens and the best way to deal with that is by going with the flow. Resisting the current will cause a lot of stress and arguments. We all watch movies like the Notebook and Dirty Dancing, and think, “I want that kind of super sexy passionate relationship.” Sure, it looks pretty hot, heavy, and magical, but that is not reality. I bet if Dirty Dancing had a sequel, Johnny would come home without the milk at some point and we would really see how passionate Baby would become. “Johnny, are you serious? What are the kids going to put on their cereal in the morning? I asked for one freaking thing!”
  2. Let him go….anywhere he wants: For the first few years of our marriage, I nagged my husband to keep him close. I was always so upset that he would want to go away and be separated from me. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me every second of the day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I truly believe that. Since having children, I am happy to have my husband go out and play golf, or do anything his little heart pleases. The only rule is that he takes at least one kids when he goes. He needs time away from me and I need time away from him. We both need time away from the kids. It is necessary for survival. I recommend some separation if you want to remain married, it makes sense I swear.
  3. He is not going to change: I spent years complaining that my husband doesn’t clean toilets, or help with the household chores. I would actually ask him, “Why don’t you want to help me clean the house?” I can’t help but laugh out loud thinking about it. I don’t want to clean the house, why would he want to clean the house. We dated for a long time prior to marrying, and he was a slob then, why would he morph into a tidy companion. It was an unrealistic notion that drove me crazy. To this day I have never seen him scrub a toilet. I am positive that the Apocalypse will occur if he were to ever pick up a toilet brush.
  4. Romance IS OVERRATED: Wine me, dine me, …..You know the rest. Being romantic is not for everyone. I love to see it on the big screen, but it is not something that comes naturally to my husband. I use to beg him for romantic gestures, but that is like asking a musician to perform surgery. We all have talents and strengths, and it is unfair to demand a talent that someone does not possess. Everyday does not need to be a page out of a romance novel, that is not real life. The nights that he gets up and does the dishes without me prompting him are the sexiest gestures ever. Watch out Mr. Grey, my husband scrubbed a pot!!! SO Freaking HOT!
  5. Saying “I love you” is not enough: To show someone you love them, use actions not words. I am not the biggest fan of serious conversations, or talking about my feelings. I like to use actions to speak for how I feel. My husband knows I love him because I cook, clean, iron his dress shirts, pack his lunch, and buy his favorite toilet paper. Nothing says I love you like a clean, freshly wiped backside.
  6. Don’t argue over where to go for dinner: Don’t spend 45 minutes discussing where to go for dinner. Be happy you don’t have to cook and if you want something specific, ask. He can not read your mind. I promise. We went out last week and I wanted steak. I said, “Take me for steak.” His reply, “Outback it is.” It was quick and easy, up until the point where my three kids terrorized the restaurant and one violated the bathroom.
  7. Making Love is made up: Sex is a big part of marriage, but making love doesn’t look like a Hollywood movie scene . There will not be candles, music, or mood lighting every time the horizontal mambo will occur. Sometime you just need to do it because he asked. Sometime you need to do it because the kids are all asleep for the first time in a week. Sometimes you will just need to lock the bathroom door and do it while the kids knock and ask “why you are both showering at the same time?” I like the excuse about conserving water the best. We all need to do our part to save Mother Earth.

So if I could go back and tell that bright-eyed, young bride these 7 things, the first few years of marriage may have looked a bit different. At least now I know how to pick my battles. Marriage is a marathon, so buy comfortable under-ware that don’t get easily bunched and hold on for one wild ride.

Mom Guilt Party of One

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babyfeet

Today’s post is targeted at new Mom’s or soon to be Moms.

Becoming a Mom is a wonderful, scary, life altering journey that no one is really ready for. Think back to the conversation you had when you decided to have a baby. The discussion about about having enough money, or time, or help. My statement was most likely similar to most women, pleading with my husband, “We will never have enough time or money, but I want to have a baby.” So we did in fact have not one, but three babies over the course of four years. So here is my advice on surviving the first days with baby.

  1. SLEEP: This title is in capital letters because it is simply that important. Sleep as often as you can. If someone offers to sit with the baby, tell them yes please, and then go take a nap. Don’t do laundry, or dishes, or anything else. Sleep is so important and although we can live without it, we don’t function well and everyone suffers.
  2. Breast or Bottle you decide: This is 100% up to you. It is your body, and here is the best part….There is no wrong answer. You will in fact be feeding your baby, so either way you are doing your job. I have done both and I can tell you that all three of my kids are alive and thriving at the ages of 9, 6, and 4. They all took some from the boob, and the rest from the bottle. It is up to you and you alone to decide.
  3. Eat: Don’t forget to feed yourself. Eat what you want, when you want. You need to have enough energy to take care of all of the people living in your tiny village. Keep up your energy and don’t even think about “losing the baby weight” at this point in time. You will need all of the energy that you can produce to not only physically take care of baby, but the mental struggle is just as real and just as exhausting.
  4. Accept Help: You are home with your miracle and he hasn’t stopped crying for a solid 60 minutes. If your husband, or mother in law, or best friend just so happened to stop by, pass that baby over. Take a shower, a nap, or paint your toenails. Take a deep breath and know that it’s OK to accept help and take a break. You are a better Mom when you accept help, the more the merrier.
  5. Give up the guilt: Mom guilt is self imposed. It is pretty much the same thing as the Boogie-Man. We all know that the Boogie-Man isn’t real, but tell that to a 3 yr. old who insists that he is in his closet. Mom guilt can only wreck us if we allow it to become part of us. For many years I struggled with this daunting guilt. It is not productive or realistic to think that I will be able to be everything all of the time. Let the dishes sit, the laundry pile up, and the toys remain on the floor. I guarantee that they will still need attention tomorrow, so sit in a rocking chair with your baby and be still.
  6. Cry: It feels good to let it out. Crying is an acceptable emotion, especially if you just gave birth to a baby. Crying will give you an outlet and help you feel better about the current situation, even if your crying about an ASPCA commercial. I get it, I have done it, and I will most likely do it again.

So let yourself adjust to having another person in the house. When my first born was two weeks old I called my mother and cried for at least an hour. He was a colicky baby who only wanted to nurse. I remember telling her, “He is like an angry house guest that won’t leave. I know I am supposed to love him, but he just cries all the time.” As soon as the words left my mouth I felt bad, but what my Mom said I will never forget. “He won’t cry forever. Give him to your husband and go take a shower.” She was right, the crying eventually stopped and then I had more babies :) So relax and give up the guilt. It is only welcome at your table if you offer it an invitation.

 

Sunshine

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