It seems that there are superheroes everywhere you turn. New summer movies will be gracing the big screens any day now, and comic book television dramas are sure to be on the fall primetime lineup. I have sat through hours of Batman, Ironman, the Flash, Superman, Spiderman, and most recently Daredevil. I am at a loss to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good action flick as much as the next guy, but I just don’t get superheroes.
What is it about superheroes that make our husbands want to secretly be these men? Why do they dream about a meteor falling from the sky, causing intergalactic gel to ooze into the water system, thus giving them secret powers that they can use to fight crime???? I guess I am no fun. I don’t see the point in watching a movie or television series where people have magical powers. If you want me to watch a show with you, create a character that was hit by a bolt of lightning and woke up without her saggy tits, cellulite on her ass, and the absence of cross-continental baggage under her eyes. That show I will watch!
So men, let me tell you what will make you a Superhero to your significant other:
1. Scrub the toilet. The entire toilet, including the shit stains.
2. Wash the dishes….with soap.
3. Give the kids a bath….with soap.
4. Cook dinner, or get take-out. Either way she didn’t have to cook, so you win.
5. Take us shopping and smile the entire time. Don’t ask if the item is on sale.
6. Wake up at night with the kids….especially if someone pissed the bed. Don’t pretend you can’t hear them. The dead can hear them.
7. Hold your farts. If it is a dire emergency, pass gas next to the children, not your wife.
8. Don’t fart while in bed, and don’t even think about pulling the covers up over her head.
9. When we agree that a holiday or special occasion does not require gifts, get her one anyway. She wants a gift. She always wants a gift.
10. Snuggle up next to your wife while in bed and cuddle with no expectation of sex. Like legitimately no expectation of sex.
11. Don’t’ push your junk on her back and tell her you have a gift for her. It’s not really a gift. She has seen it before.
12. Vacuum, mop, wash the windows, repeat.
13. Ask her if she wants a mustache ride without expecting anything in return.
14. Get a babysitter without telling her and take her to dinner.
15. Wash the laundry, and put it away. Let me clarify, put it in the correct drawer. Don’t put your son’s underwear in your wife’s drawer.
16. Load the dishwasher, and then empty the dishwasher without being asked. I bet she drops to her knees later that evening.
17. Text her a sweet message during the day. Something like, “Babe, I can’t wait to get home and do a load of whites.”
18. Take the kids……ANYWHERE. For an extended period of time.
19. Bring her chocolate…….ANYTHING.
20. Bring her wine……..ANY KIND.
So as you can see, it is pretty simple to become a superhero. Your spouse will most definitely think that you can leap tall buildings in a single bound if you follow these 20 tips. They will call you the man of steel, or whatever ridiculous name you want them to scream while in the bedroom. These 20 tips are proven panty dropper’s, so get started today.
*This message is endorsed and sponsored by every woman on the planet
I’m going to share this with the husband 😉 And “mustache ride” is perfect.
These 20 tips/expectations might provide an answer to your recent bewilderment about affairs.
Touche’ my friend. Keep reading.
The title of the article is not representative of the one sided nature of it’s content. SuperHero to Your Spouse…really…the title should have been how to be the Perfect PW’d Husband. I was hoping to see a list that was void of gender roles…one that was insightful….not the typical one sided complaint & wish list of yet another females version of the perfect husband. Add to it the “if you do this she will drop to her knees or spread her legs”. I realize I might be in the minority here…but I find this article insulting and degrading and wish it had more insightful content rather than the same old female rhetoric.
Thank you for your input. This list was generated from my perspective. I appreciate that you do not agree with me. Thank you for writing and I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy the post.
Although I agree with much about the aforementioned comments about the one sided, veiled male bashing that the commenter espoused, I do appreciate how generous and open to others comments and disagreements you are. To put it more clearly, thank you for not being argumentative or nasty and for being open and understanding to differing viewpoints.
I am totally open to any and all comments people have for me. I write based on my perspective. I can only say how I feel or think about an issue. I love to hear what other people think. Everyone can and should have an opinion. I hope you hang around and find a post that makes you laugh.
Meredith, thank you for responding. I would be curious to see your “20 tips to be a Superheroine to your Spouse”. It would be interesting to hear a female perspective on what she thinks it takes for her to be Wonder Woman to her husband.
I should also add, I don’t disagree with the list completely. Having been married for almost 27 years I understand that marriage is a partnership and that we need to be there for each other, to help each other out, and yes to help do the things that I don’t want to (like the laundry, the bathroom and even the shit stained toilet). Lord knows if I don’t want to do these things, then she does not want to either. So why not share the load It leaves more time and energy for both of us to do the things we enjoy doing together. Dinning, walks on the beach, bike riding, etc etc etc. Guess I was just hoping to find in your post some golden nugget I had not read before.
Not trying to be sexist here, but there is definitely some truth to the statement “men clearly don’t underdstand women”. So you can probably imagine I am looking forward to reading your “20 Tips on being a Superheroine to your Spouse”.
I think that is a great idea and I will work on it I agree that marriage is a partnership and I like your suggestions! Have a great day.
That’s great. I look forward to reading it. Thank you!!!!!
I love this. I am cracking up. It is so funny and true. My husband did not think of it as funny but does realize that some of the actions come from him…especially #11. That’s how both sides came to marriage…we put our best foot forward (role-playing), tit for tat…some more than others, the hunt/chase, etc. As soon as we as men and women come to grips with our preconceptions and ideas about each other and what we ‘believe’ our roles should be we can sit back and have a good laugh. At the end of the day we are partners yet we play these games everyday at home, at work and in society for what we need and want. Keeping it real is the best medicine.
That is my thing. I love to keep it real and find the humor in every situation. Please keep reading
I’m the husband of nova and I wanna say I don’t know what the hell she talking bout so love when I do #11 I do it all the time and I ain’t going to stop
Well, #11 occurs frequently at my home. As long as she doesn’t John Bobbett you it should be all good
As a husband. I like your list. Modern men should be doing this stuff. If nothing more than to have more time with your spouse. And show your appreciation for all they do.
Too bad it doesn’t work!!
I have been doing these things for over 20 years of marriage. Three kids. I have done all that stuff on your list . (sans 14, she would freak out over that one) Plus worked a full time job, while wife has not had a job since we had kids. Sure she does that stuff, too. (not 13). I have bathed our kids and got them ready for bed about 90% of the time. I have changed more diapers than her!! I woke up at night, even though i had to go to work the next day. I take the kids away for afternoon or whole day many times. Beach, park, pool, mcdonalds, even clothes shopping!! It has not added up to snot in our relationship or marriage. She appreciates none of it. Even yells and screams at me for doing laundry, so I stopped helping with laundry. I would give a mustache ride every day, twice a day if she was even interested.
And before anyone says “you must been doing it wrong’. Never the issue. My rides always satisfied. Although, I have loaded the dishwasher ‘wrong’ many times, at least according to her.
So I am finally leaving her. It is very unfortunate, but has to be done.
Cant wait for your list of things wife should do to be SuperHeroine. I will use that for my next relationship.
Wow. Well best of luck in the future to you and your family. Marriage is a two way street. If your needs aren’t being met I would say it is time to have a major discussion. What about marriage therapy?
We have tried marriage therapy in the past. She had so many issues the therapist had her go to her own sessions. Then she stopped going cause she felt she was being blamed for all the marital issues.
I am very upset with myself for staying this long. Except for that fact we have three wonderful kids that I adore. Looking forward to having quality time to spend with them in the future.
Hi Jordan, take it from me, once you end that one-sided relationship you will meet plenty of Wonder Women in time that would leap tall buildings and deflect a shit-load of bullets for you. Weed out the villains masquerading as Superheroines. Don’t be mad with yourself. You gave it your all as any superman would, and you should be proud but don’t waste anymore time. One day, a Superwoman will fly you off your feet, just give the new ones a chance.